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Intrepid She



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Day 178: A Flashback and Some Tears

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 06 June 2014 · 340 views

June 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 107 Days:
 
I had a flashback today, a brief one. Not that I know what really constitutes a short or long flashback. I haven't experienced them very often. I think I had one years and years ago when I did an exercise from my first T. Interestingly, the exercise involved touch and nurturing. It was the only exercise of...


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Day 177: More Tears - The Boundaries of Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 05 June 2014 · 466 views

June 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 106 Days:
 
Whew, last night was tough! I was on pins and needles through the evening not sure I wanted to talk to AF and knowing I needed to talk to her. I have a rule I follow that I don't call her in the evening. She is with her family and needs time for them. I text her to let her know I hope to hear from her, but...


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Day 176: Deepest Shame

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 04 June 2014 · 471 views

June 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 105 Days:
 
I'm going to have to write and post this one with my hands over my eyes. I am not sure right now if I'll actually post it, or if I'll leave it up.
 
A couple times along this healing path I have encountered a truth in myself that felt it was my deepest shame. The first was associated with feeling my p...


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Day 175: Stopping T, Talking to Old Friend, Possible New Friend

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 03 June 2014 · 261 views

June 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 104 Days:
 
As usual, I have a lot on my mind today. Work was good, but exhausting. I left an hour early, which means I left two hours earlier than usual. And, I'm not going to work from home tonight, so I shortened my work day about three or four hours all together. So, it's kind of like I worked a half day today. ht...


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Day 174: Experiencing Arousal with Flashbacks (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 June 2014 · 968 views

June 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 103 Days:
 
Dear Pandy's friends and any non-Pandy's readers:
 
Please proceed with caution into this entry and be sure you are in a safe frame of mind. Obviously by the subject line you know the topic of this posting can be triggering. But I want to give a little extra warning that I will be discussing the expe...


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Day 173: Fun, Agony, Tears, and Relief (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 754 views

June 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 102 Days:
 
There is so much to say about the last three days. I hardly know where to begin. I suppose for simplicity's sake, and to help my brain, I'll approach this experience chronologically.
 
Thursday night was a tough one. I considered going to AF's house to stay the night after the ugly thing my H (I will...


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Day 172: Update

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 98 views

May 31, 2014 Intrepid Age = 101 Days:
 
I didn't post an entry on this date. I'm posting now on June 1st. This posting is just to say I went on a retreat with AF. I'll post a full entry about it on day 173 (June 1st).


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Day 171: Update

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 June 2014 · 111 views

May 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 100 Days:
 
I didn't post an entry on this date. I'm posting now on June 1st. This posting is just to say I went on a retreat with AF. I'll post a full entry about it on day 173 (June 1st).


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Day 170: Tears of Joy, Therapy Angst, Marital Distress (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 29 May 2014 · 447 views

May 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 99 Days:
 
I have a lot of things on my mind, but I'll limit myself to three topics tonight: (1) something that made my cry tears of joy last night; (2) my T crying this morning; and (3) marital distress.
 
Intrepid will be 100 days old tomorrow. How much she has learned and how far she has come in that century o...


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Day 169: Between the Raindrops

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 28 May 2014 · 364 views

May 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 98 Days:
 
I want to thank Jiva for pointing me in the direction of the exercise I will undertake tonight. But first, I need to admit one more fear, a fear underneath and driving the others, a fear I didn't recognize last night.
I'm afraid after this weekend she'll be done with me.
What will happen: My needs are infan...


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Day 168: So Afraid and Angry (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 27 May 2014 · 315 views

May 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 97 Days:
 
For years and years I didn't feel fear. I could break into a public pool, and take a running leap from a three story building, flying over 15 feet of poolside concrete to land in the middle of the diving pool . . . naked. I could start a fight in a movie theater. I could leap from my bike going top spe...


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Day 167: My Bladder (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Healing Work 26 May 2014 · 745 views

May 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 96 Days:
 
That's a strange title for this posting, but it's exactly what I'm going to write about. I spent this weekend with my friends in Portland. We all went to the same high school and have known each other for 25 years. Their DD was born about 18 months after my first DS, putting her between my two boys in age....


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Day 166: Forgiving Myself for Needing Touch?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Healing Work 25 May 2014 · 579 views

May 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 95 Days:
 
We had a great time with our friends today. I have felt the pain lingering in the background. Talking with my friend today about my healing process I realized how much shame I still feel.
 
I wrote a response in one of the forums about something I forgive myself for, which exemplifies my continuing struggle...


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Day 165: The House

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 May 2014 · 367 views

May 24, 2014 Intrepid Age = 94 Days:
 
The friends I am visiting live within a stone's throw of the house where I spent my teenage years (13-19 years old). I always feel a pull to go over there when I'm here visiting. One of my step-siblings lives there still. It creeps me out severely. I have no contact with them. I hold no ill will toward...


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Day 164: So Much Pain, So Much Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 23 May 2014 · 306 views

May 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 93 Days:

I am on the road. Family is traveling to Portland for the holiday weekend. So, since I am on my phone, this will be brief (relatively speaking).

;-)

I didn't sleep last night. My guts turned over several times. I played my guitar and kept envisioning being held and comforted. I was at a loss as to why I felt so bad....


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Day 163: I Felt Her Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 22 May 2014 · 356 views

May 22, 2014 Intrepid Age = 92 Days:
 
I am shaken and overwhelmed. I have just felt someone love me, unreservedly, for no reason, not because of anything I've done, just love me. I can't begin to put words to what I'm feeling. My throat is tight and aching. My head is pounding. I nearly cried earlier. I could cry now, almost. I think I need to...


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Day 162: A Question of Confrontation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 21 May 2014 · 266 views

May 21, 2014 Intrepid Age = 91 Days:
 
I don't know why, but last night I was really amped up and couldn't sleep. I didn't have any specific worries on my mind. I wasn't upset about anything. I wasn't experiencing any pain to speak of. Although, I do have a lot on my shoulders at work. The next three weeks are going to be nearly impossible. Mayb...


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Day 161: When I Say I'm OK

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 20 May 2014 · 481 views

May 20, 2014 Intrepid Age = 90 Days:
 
Warning, a little bit of bad language.
 
I have two related topics on my mind tonight: (1) What it means to say, "I'm OK," and, (2) I Wish You Hadn't . . .
 
(1) What it means to say, "I'm OK."
 
Of late I have been asked with concern, "Are you OK?" by people who care about me. I am learni...


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Day 160: The Shame of Needing Mothering

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 19 May 2014 · 493 views

May 19, 2014 Intrepid Age = 89 Days:
 
I had another anger release at work today. These are starting to happen more often and with greater intensity. A staff member in my office took me aside afterward and asked me what's going on. She's one of the people who knows I'm in T and why. I felt awful when I realized my reaction was intense enough for...


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Day 159: Amputated Emotions

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 18 May 2014 · 280 views

May 18, 2014 Intrepid Age = 88 Days:
 
I am about to take a short road trip with my DS (the older one). I didn't think I'd have time to post today, but I ended up with a little time just now.
 
The other day I had an intense reaction to the comments associated with my posting about mutual vulnerability . I didn't understand what I was feeli...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

June 2016

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.