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Intrepid She



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Day 197: Injurious Trigger

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 25 June 2014 · 376 views

June 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 125 Days:
 
I have a friend I've known for a very long time with whom I have been out of contact for a few years (five or six maybe) who contacted me a couple days ago as we was getting ready to move to my area. I will refer to her as Elizabeth (Liza). She knew from Facebook where I was. She decided to leave her husband....


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Day 196: No Entry

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 June 2014 · 148 views

June 24, 2014 Intrepid Age = 124 Days:

I was not able to post an entry yesterday. A friend had an urgent problem I helped her address.


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Day 195: Terrible News in an Inconvenient Place

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 23 June 2014 · 323 views

June 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 123 Days:
 
I'm home. It feels like I was away for a long time because I haven't been keeping up with other's blogs here. So, I won't do a full posting tonight. I want to catch up with everyone.
 
I feel exhausted. I am sore from crying. As I wrote that posting last night I cried so much it was nearly impossible to t...


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Day 194: In Remeberance to an Earstwhile Mother

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 22 June 2014 · 290 views

June 22, 2014 Intrepid Age = 122 Days:
 
When I was in high school I became friends with a girl whose family later wanted to adopt me. I just learned today that their mom died last month. I lost touch with them when I moved away from Portland 14 years ago. I felt bad about that over the years, but did not have the resources to reestablish a...


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Day 193: Tears with PF

Posted by intrepidshe , 22 June 2014 · 260 views

June 21, 2014 Intrepid Age = 121 Days:

PF and I went out for coffee and had a long talk. I brought her up to date on my healing process and recent goings on. We talked about my intense need for affection and she said the same kinds of things AF says to me. Of course I feel starved, I have been starved.

After we were home and I was ready for bed I work...


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Day 192: Particularly Painful and Healing

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 21 June 2014 · 331 views

June 20, 2014 Intrepid Age = 120 Days:
 
Whew. It is so late that it is now yesterday I am writing about. I spent time with my sister this evening. It was good. We went through play lists and introduced music to one another. We have always shared a great passion for music and enjoy exchanging new discoveries.
 
This evening I went out to dinner...


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Day 191: Splinters

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 19 June 2014 · 341 views

June 19, 2014 Intrepid Age = 119 Days:
 
It turns out it is really hard to understand what it means to matter to people; and that makes no sense to me. I completely understand what it feels like when someone matters to me, when someone I love is in pain or struggling in some way. I feel an intense need to help and protect them, to encourage and...


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Day 190: More on SUI <TRIGGER WARNING>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 18 June 2014 · 371 views

June 18, 2014 Intrepid Age = 118 Days:
 
Before I launch into a pretty heavy topic again, I just want to say, "Hooray! I'm still breathing easy and clearly!" It feels so good!
 
Maybe I'm a bit of a challenge from a therapy perspective. I don't know. I always have things to talk about, too many things. I write every day and have difficulty deter...


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Day 189: Breathing

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 17 June 2014 · 294 views

June 17, 2014 Intrepid Age = 118 Days

What a night and then what a day! I maybe got 3 hours of sleep last night. I got up and went for a walk with AF this morning. The sunlight and exercise, as well as the smile on my heart turned my mood around. I had a good work day, productive and very enjoyable.

At the end of the day I went to AF's house for a neck/...


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Day 188: Triggered

Posted by intrepidshe , 16 June 2014 · 186 views

June 16, 2014 Intrepid Age = 117 Days:

I am having a very hard night. Not sure what will come of it. I feel completely triggered and want to do just about anything to shut myself off. I can't believe I am still going around in the world like I am a regular person.

My sleep scrip is out. My sister is drinking after being on the wagon for 2 years. She bou...


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Day 187: Jekyll and Hyde

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 June 2014 · 261 views

June 15, 2014 Intrepid Age = 116 Days:
 
My sister is coming to visit this week. She'll be here for the next six days and then we'll be going to Portland for the weekend to see Sarah McLaughlin. I'll probably not be as active over this next ten days. I'll miss keeping up with everyone. Please know my heart is with you and supporting you my wonde...


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Day 186: Heart of Heaven

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 June 2014 · 399 views

June 14, 2014 Intrepid Age = 115 Days:
 
So, I went to AF's yesterday to have dinner with her family in celebration of her birthday. It was great, great fun! So much laughter and playfulness. It warmed my heart and filled me with joy. I had a little bit too much to drink by the time I might have considered driving back home. I live about 40 minutes f...


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Day 185: No Posting - it is AF's B Day

Posted by intrepidshe , 13 June 2014 · 196 views

June 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 114 Days:

No posting tonight. Celebrating AF's b-day.


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Day 184: One Fear at a Time (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 12 June 2014 · 292 views

June 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 113 Days:
 
Pain. Deep and steady. It used to ride as a quiet undercurrent, an underground river flowing out of an aquifer. Now it is more of a wind storm. And, I really hate wind. I had some terrifying experiences with wind growing up. There was the wind blowing the camper around as we drove along treacherous roads...


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Day 183: Plans for Reducing SUI <trigger warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 June 2014 · 379 views

June 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 112 Days:
 
It was very awkward today in my T session to discover that sui* ideation is a bit of a big deal. I don't mean to sound like I take it lightly. It's just that for me, having such thoughts, isn't something I believed mattered. I don't see myself as ever taking any affirmative steps. At least not like when I...


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Day 182: Shut That Baby Up! <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 10 June 2014 · 355 views

June 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 111 Days:
 
Patience, trust, and love.
 
I know I need to lean into these emotions, but god, it's so hard! I also need to improve my self-soothing skills. I had a horrible, horrible night last night because I was racked with fear, which sparked self-loathing and even . . . umm . . . even . . . sui* ideation . No...


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Day 181: Checking In or Checking Out?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 June 2014 · 336 views

June 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 110 Days:
 
Last night I knew I wouldn't be able to get up for work this morning. I realized at about 11 pm I was utterly spent. I needed a good 10 hours in bed to be able to function at all. It felt like I was running a fever. I wasn't. I was just worn out and in need of more rest. I had slept well the previous two n...


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Day 180: To Everything Its Season (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 June 2014 · 5,959 views

June 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 109 Days:
 
When I left yesterday to visit Portland Friend (PF) I had a nagging feeling I wouldn't be able to find the words I needed. I knew I would read the letter to her, but after that I didn't think any more words would out. I was pretty scared as I drove there and thought several times to turn back. When I got t...


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Day 179: No Posting

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 June 2014 · 531 views

June 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 108 Days:
 
No posting on this day. I spent the day with my Portland Friend.


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Day 178: Part 2

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 June 2014 · 252 views

June 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 107 Days:
 
I tried to ignore this but it is nagging at me.

I am worried about seeing my Portland Friend (PF) tomorrow. I am staying the night with them. I plan to read my f-ing mother letter to her. I don't know what will come of this. I shouldn't be afraid, but I am. Even though we have been friends for more than 2...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

July 2016

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