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Intrepid She



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Day 217: Migraine

Posted by intrepidshe , 16 July 2014 · 249 views

July 15, 2014 Intrepid Age = 145 Days

I had a migraine last night and still have it now. No posting from last night. Hopefully this headache will be gone tonight.


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Day 216: Beaten to a Pulp <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 14 July 2014 · 357 views

July 14, 2014 Intrepid Age = 144 Days
 
All day I was on edge. It was the first time since I have been at my current job I didn't laugh in an entire day, or almost. We got to the very end of the day. Two of us were working on the final task of the day. One of us said something that made the other laugh and I observed it was the first time either of u...


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Day 215: Feeling Overwrought

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 July 2014 · 385 views

July 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 143 Days 
 
I don't understand why some days I feel fine, other days joyful, and other days bereft/hopeless. It's like the Three Little Bears today. I like that metaphor. Baby Bear is Little Intrepid. When Goldilocks tests Baby Bear's porridge, it's just right. She also finds Baby Bear's bed just right. I l...


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Day 214: He . . . <trigger warning for the rest of the title - displayed in the posting>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 12 July 2014 · 366 views

He Pulled Me Down the Bed by my Feet
 
July 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 142 Days
 
You'd think by the title what I am about to write was the source of yet another emotional break down. And, by rights it should be. But, something entirely different happened today in my healing process, something unexpected, something for which I doubt I can do...


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Day 213: He Stood in the Doorway, Considering (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 11 July 2014 · 321 views

July 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 141 Days
 
"I think I'll take some time off from remembering my history. " That's what I told myself yesterday. It turns out it's easier said than done. The intensity of my need for comforting overwhelms my cognitive choices about when and how I will process.
 
Last night I worked incredibly late with AF on a projec...


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Day 212: Working Very Late

Posted by intrepidshe , 10 July 2014 · 177 views

July 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 140 Days

I am working extra late tonight and won't be able to post. I hope everyone is doing well!


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Day 211: Decompressing My Doctor Visit and T Session

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 09 July 2014 · 419 views

July 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 139 Days:
 
I have essentially three chapters of writing tonight: (1) Today's T session; (2) The Doctor Appointment; and, (3) The Well.
 
A therapy session and an unplanned doctor visit in the same day . . . it was intense . But it was good. Not to say I didn't experience fear, sorrow, and pain. However, the fear...


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Day 210: Unexpected Call from Doctor (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 08 July 2014 · 400 views

July 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 138 Days:
 
It was a big, big day today. First of all, I am starting to open up to another friend (someone from work). She's also a health care provider, I don't know yet how to nickname her. She is feisty, hard working, organized, and compassionate. She's a nurse. We have been warming up to one another for...


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Day 209: Do I Really Have to Go to the Doctor? (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 07 July 2014 · 301 views

July 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 137 Days:
 
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, i...


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Day 208: Heartbreak and Tears (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 06 July 2014 · 604 views

July 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 136 Days:
 
We made the drive home after some difficult farewells this morning. The trip was wonderful, connecting in new ways with old friends. One of the things that happened was a moment of someone else sharing that caused me to cry. That's never happened before! I have three women friends there whose kids all...


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Day 207: Healing Happens

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 06 July 2014 · 330 views

July 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 135 Days:
 
Tomorrow morning we hit the road again to drive home. We had a wonderful visit with our friends in the town where we used to live. Thursday night, Friday, and today we were visiting people we haven't seen in over a year. I realized today how much love surrounded us here. I wasn't able to appreciate it, to feel...


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Day 206: Posted Yesterday

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 July 2014 · 147 views

July 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 134 Days:
 
I took so long to write my posting for yesterday, July 3, that I posted it today, July 4. As such, I don't really have a posting for today. Today was spent with friends at a barbeque. It was great fun to catch up with people.


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Day 205: Wednesday's Horrifying Splinter (extreme trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Neglect, Touch, Healing Work 04 July 2014 · 1,052 views

July 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 133 Days:
 
I started and wrote most of this yesterday (July 3rd), but didn't get it posted until today, July 4th. This is VERY long. I needed to get it out. It has made me sick having it inside me; and it made me sick writing it.
 

Yesterday we drove for just under 10 hours to arrive at our friend's house. It has al...


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Day 204: Horrifying Splinter

Posted by intrepidshe , 03 July 2014 · 242 views

July 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 132 Days:

I worked until 9:30 pm last night. Afterward I sat with AF and worked out an intensely painful set of memories. I think I might have cried for 2 hours. I can't believe that's even possible.

I don't have time to write it out. But it related to clothing shopping with my step father and everyrhing he did to me. I am le...


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Day 203: Reprieve Over <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 July 2014 · 348 views

July 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 131 Days:
 
It was a good run these last few days. After that big eruption of emotion last week I have been feeling light and playful. Today I am anxious and in pain. I think the main culprit is knowing I have T tomorrow and will talk about my posting from June 20th . My fears and revultion with clothing shopping are inten...


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Day 202: A Good Day

Posted by intrepidshe , in Happy Things, Healing Work 30 June 2014 · 332 views

June 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 130 Days:
 
I have slept well three nights in a row. Really well! It has been the not waking in the middle of the night, not laying for an hour or two trying to fall asleep, not having nightmares, being woken by the alarm clock wondering, "what the hell?" type of sleeping well. And boy was I full of it today! My poo...


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Day 201: Cliff Jumping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 29 June 2014 · 289 views

June 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 129 Days:

I posted this elsewhere, but I keep thinking about it, so I guess it needs more attention.
 

It takes time and persistence to work splinters to the surface; and then a cliff dive into trust to pull them out.
 
I used to do that a lot when I was young (jump from cliffs into rivers). I remember that momen...


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Day 200: Volitile Eruption (TRIGGER WARNING)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 28 June 2014 · 407 views

June 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 128 Days:
 
Friends
 
Some days one foot cannot find its place beside the other, yet I continue to propel forward.
Some days it feels like dub fails to follow lub, yet oxygen flows to my limbs.
Some days I fear the sun just will not rise, yet it wakens me through my curtains, much to my surprise....


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Day 199: Missed Posting

Posted by intrepidshe , 28 June 2014 · 196 views

June 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 127 Days:

Please forgive me for not letting you know I wasn't going to post. I had an unexpectedly intense reaction to a deep memory. I ended up sleeping on AF's couch.

I will need to write about it this evening.

I apologize for causing worry. I know I haven't been in a good place in recent days. This memory was working it...


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Day 198: Can't Post

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 26 June 2014 · 204 views

 June 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 126 Days:
 
I just don't have it in me tonight.






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

June 2016

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