I had a migraine last night and still have it now. No posting from last night. Hopefully this headache will be gone tonight.
All day I was on edge. It was the first time since I have been at my current job I didn't laugh in an entire day, or almost. We got to the very end of the day. Two of us were working on the final task of the day. One of us said something that made the other laugh and I observed it was the first time either of u...
I don't understand why some days I feel fine, other days joyful, and other days bereft/hopeless. It's like the Three Little Bears today. I like that metaphor. Baby Bear is Little Intrepid. When Goldilocks tests Baby Bear's porridge, it's just right. She also finds Baby Bear's bed just right. I l...
July 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 142 Days
You'd think by the title what I am about to write was the source of yet another emotional break down. And, by rights it should be. But, something entirely different happened today in my healing process, something unexpected, something for which I doubt I can do...
"I think I'll take some time off from remembering my history. " That's what I told myself yesterday. It turns out it's easier said than done. The intensity of my need for comforting overwhelms my cognitive choices about when and how I will process.
Last night I worked incredibly late with AF on a projec...
I have essentially three chapters of writing tonight: (1) Today's T session; (2) The Doctor Appointment; and, (3) The Well.
A therapy session and an unplanned doctor visit in the same day . . . it was intense . But it was good. Not to say I didn't experience fear, sorrow, and pain. However, the fear...
It was a big, big day today. First of all, I am starting to open up to another friend (someone from work). She's also a health care provider, I don't know yet how to nickname her. She is feisty, hard working, organized, and compassionate. She's a nurse. We have been warming up to one another for...
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, i...
We made the drive home after some difficult farewells this morning. The trip was wonderful, connecting in new ways with old friends. One of the things that happened was a moment of someone else sharing that caused me to cry. That's never happened before! I have three women friends there whose kids all...
Tomorrow morning we hit the road again to drive home. We had a wonderful visit with our friends in the town where we used to live. Thursday night, Friday, and today we were visiting people we haven't seen in over a year. I realized today how much love surrounded us here. I wasn't able to appreciate it, to feel...
I took so long to write my posting for yesterday, July 3, that I posted it today, July 4. As such, I don't really have a posting for today. Today was spent with friends at a barbeque. It was great fun to catch up with people.
I started and wrote most of this yesterday (July 3rd), but didn't get it posted until today, July 4th. This is VERY long. I needed to get it out. It has made me sick having it inside me; and it made me sick writing it.
Yesterday we drove for just under 10 hours to arrive at our friend's house. It has al...
I worked until 9:30 pm last night. Afterward I sat with AF and worked out an intensely painful set of memories. I think I might have cried for 2 hours. I can't believe that's even possible.
I don't have time to write it out. But it related to clothing shopping with my step father and everyrhing he did to me. I am le...
It was a good run these last few days. After that big eruption of emotion last week I have been feeling light and playful. Today I am anxious and in pain. I think the main culprit is knowing I have T tomorrow and will talk about my posting from June 20th . My fears and revultion with clothing shopping are inten...
I have slept well three nights in a row. Really well! It has been the not waking in the middle of the night, not laying for an hour or two trying to fall asleep, not having nightmares, being woken by the alarm clock wondering, "what the hell?" type of sleeping well. And boy was I full of it today! My poo...
I posted this elsewhere, but I keep thinking about it, so I guess it needs more attention.
It takes time and persistence to work splinters to the surface; and then a cliff dive into trust to pull them out.
I used to do that a lot when I was young (jump from cliffs into rivers). I remember that momen...
Some days one foot cannot find its place beside the other, yet I continue to propel forward.
Some days it feels like dub fails to follow lub, yet oxygen flows to my limbs.
Some days I fear the sun just will not rise, yet it wakens me through my curtains, much to my surprise....
Please forgive me for not letting you know I wasn't going to post. I had an unexpectedly intense reaction to a deep memory. I ended up sleeping on AF's couch.
I will need to write about it this evening.
I apologize for causing worry. I know I haven't been in a good place in recent days. This memory was working it...
About Intrepid She
This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.
The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.
To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid
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Contact Me Outside Pandys
Trigger Warnings for all of the following links (*entry is in secure forums not available outside of Pandy's):
- Day 1: Why Now?
- One Year In
- Letting Go
- First Non-dissociation
- The Gynecologist
- Coping with Gyno Fear
- Abuse History Outline
- My Step-father
- Being Photographed
- My Mother's Voice
- Confronting Incest 1
- Confronting Incest 2
- Confronting Incest 3
- F/F CSA
- Fear of Females
- Childhood Neglect
- More Neglect
- Wanting Attention
- Force Fed
- Inability to Cry
- Convincing Myself it Wasn't So Bad
- Forgiving My Need for Touch
- Impact of Abuse on Educ'n/Career*
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>intrepidshe - Apr 20 2016 10:02 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>RileyRalaigh_N - Apr 20 2016 08:19 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>intrepidshe - Apr 20 2016 01:34 PM
Trust in Therapist <trigger warning>blondie2002 - Apr 20 2016 08:39 AM
The Virus Withinintrepidshe - Apr 10 2016 09:33 PM