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Intrepid She



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Day 150: Mother F-ing letter Part 4 - What I Want from You Now (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 May 2014 · 234 views

May 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 79 Days:
 
Dear Pandy's friends, today I wrote the last section of the letter to my mom: "This is what I want from you now."
 
Before I share this last installment, I want to thank AngelFriend from the bottom of my heart for the time you spent with me yesterday. I spilled my guts for several hours; and you listene...


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Day 149: Too Content to Let Mom Intrude

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 May 2014 · 125 views

May 8, 2014 Intrepid Age = 78 Days:
 
Got home very late today after a tough work day and a miraculous conversation with AngelFriend. We talked for a long time. It was very powerful and comforting.
 
I feel too content tonight to let my mom intrude on this feeling. So, I am not going to finish the letter tonight.
 
Plus, I have wo...


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Day 148: Mother F-ing Letter Part 3 - How it Affected My Life (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 May 2014 · 200 views

May 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 77 Days:
 
To my Pandy's friends, I can't tell you how much your support, understanding, comments, and encouragement means to me. I know this has been painful for you to read, possibly as much as it has been for me to write. I am, as always humbled and astonished by the generosity, compassion, and courage you possess....


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Day 147: Mother F-ing Letter Part 2 - How I Felt About It (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 06 May 2014 · 277 views

May 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 76 Days:
 
Extreme Trigger Warning
 
Mom,
 
It occurs to me as I face this second section of the letter that you do not deserve the title, "Mom." You were an egg donor, you were an incubator, you were a restaurant (some of the time), you were a landlord (most of the time), but a mom?? Not really. And, I acc...


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Day 146: Mother F-ing Letter Part 1 - What You Did to Me (Major Trigger Warning!)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 May 2014 · 266 views

May 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 75 Days:
 
This is a very triggery post. Please proceed with caution.
 
Dear Pandy's friends, lend me your eyes please. I need reactions to this. I feel ashamed of having written it. 
 
As you know, I have been in T in order to reduce or eliminate my fear of doctors. At least, that's what got me to go t...


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Day 145: My Mother Can't Love Me (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Neglect, Healing Work 04 May 2014 · 205 views

May 4, 2014 Intrepid Age = 74 Days:
 
This topic might be triggering for some.
 

Some weeks ago I began a project working through the book Mothers Who Can't Love . I made it through the first half of the book, learning enlightening things, recognizing the categories of unloving-ness. In the spirit of staying focused on my current healing i...


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Day 144: How to be Held - But, How to not be Afraid

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 03 May 2014 · 198 views

May 3, 2014 Intrepid Age = 73 Days:
 
I have a couple questions at the end of this post I hope others will answer, if they feel comfortable doing so.
 
I am following advice I received from Jiva about sitting with this topic of touch/nurturing/crying a little longer, perhaps until I reach a place of achievement. I'm not sure quite what "a...


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Day 143: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or S** (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 02 May 2014 · 209 views

May 2, 2014 Intrepid Age = 72 Days:
 
I want to start today's posting with a thank you to MacGyver for sharing his amazing gift of insight. He analyzed a repeating nightmare I have. His interpretation has been immeasurably helpful to me. He gave me permission to share his identity. I'm so glad to get to do so, to give credit...


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Day 142: Letter to DDF

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 01 May 2014 · 207 views

May 1, 2014 Intrepid Age = 71 Days:
 
My DDF:
 
Or should I too call you Angel? You laughed today at my telling you we have referred to you here as an angel. I imagine it might have been a little embarrassing to receive such a big compliment. But, you really are exceptional. You have an amazing gift you share with easy generosity. I ha...


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Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 192 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
 
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).
 ...


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Day 140: I Asked Her to Hold Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 29 April 2014 · 208 views

Apr. 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 69 Days:
 
I had an appointment today with for more touch. The last time she touched me I had an anxiety attack, including myoclonic jolts that lasted for something like 20 minutes. Today before we headed for the exam room (we used an exam room because it would help me desensitize for when I am seen...


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Day 139: Feeling Scared Again, Plan for Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 28 April 2014 · 166 views

Apr. 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 68 Days:
 
Tomorrow I have an appointment for more touch. My T encouraged me, and Jiva has encourage me too, to talk to my friend about my needs and my fears. I feel the need to share this publicly as my fear level is pretty high again. This exercise will help me name and challenge my fears. The blue t...


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Day 138: Declaring War on Identity Lies

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 April 2014 · 175 views

Apr. 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 67 Days:
 
I have three topics banging around in my head, clamoring for expression. (1) More Lies and Truths; (2) Visualizing the Disintegrated Parts; and (3) A Difficult Upcoming Event.
 
Number 1 is my main topic and it's about declaring war on the lies about my identity that have deeply wounded me.
 
--I...


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Day 137: The Captain, The Little Girl, and The Mamma

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 26 April 2014 · 137 views

Apr. 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 66 Days:
 
I received a very helpful message from someone about a posting I made some months ago regarding a recurrent nightmare involving a vampire. In the posting I described having a variant of the dream and wondered what it might mean. In honesty, I gave it little thought after I posted it. Interpreting repr...


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Day 136: Integrating Intrepid

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 April 2014 · 118 views

Apr. 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 65 Days:
 
I decided to alter my countdown to move closer, to embrace, to bring within. I began my healing process with an aspiration of taking an intrepid journey. I did not have a map. I didn't even know where the starting point was located. I had no idea of the destination, the form of travel, the resources needed...


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Day 135: Successful ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 24 April 2014 · 189 views

Apr. 24, 2014 Countdown: 3 hours after ObGyn Appointment (64 Days Into Becoming):
 
Wow, I feel great! The appointment went really well and I learned some incredibly helpful things. She gave me amazing, empowering information I have needed for such a long time! I have a weird form of thyroid disease and she was able to identify a possible e...


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Day 134: T and ObGyn Tomorrow **TW** and Mom Stuff (very triggery)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 23 April 2014 · 449 views

Apr. 23, 2014 Countdown: 18 hours to ObGyn Appointment (63 Days Into Becoming):
 
I didn't think I would go to work today when I posted last night, but I was well enough today. Last night I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach. But, I had lots of comforting support here in Pandy's and I even reached out by phone to my doctor friend. As...


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Day 133: I Let a Doctor Hurt Me Today **TW**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work, Touch 22 April 2014 · 197 views

Apr. 22, 2014 Countdown: 2 days to ObGyn Appointment (62 Days Into Becoming):
 
It is clear that I still have a lot of ground to go with regard to how I deal with doctors. Today another one of my colleagues asked me about my wrist. I responded the same way I usually do and changed the subject. I tried to get her talking about herself. But, somet...


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Day 132: ObGyn Visit Plan

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 21 April 2014 · 136 views

Apr. 21, 2014 Countdown: 3 days to ObGyn Appointment (61 Days Into Becoming):
I will recognize that I'm feeling anxiety now, even though I haven't been willing to pay attention to it. I have a headache and I didn't sleep well the last few nights. My shoulders hurt, and I have felt very aggressive at work.
I will ask my T to call the ObGyn again to...


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Day 131: Fear, I mean, Four Days to Next ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 20 April 2014 · 154 views

Apr. 20, 2014 Countdown: 4 days to ObGyn Appointment (60 Days Into Becoming):
 
In light of my recent reactions to doctor appointments, I decided I'll write my list of fears, in order to give myself a few days to think about it, hear from others, and work on my plan. On the up side, this will be a talk only appointment. On the down side i...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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