My body co...
My body co...
As I started to write this posting I was tempted to refer to this entry as a terrible anniversary, thinking of it as an ann...
One year of speaking my truth. One year of unearthing a story that burned beneath my skin. One year of momentous, agonizing change.
I feel like Lewis & Clark, having reached the...
I must be a glutton for pain because I have now exposed myself to exquisite agony.
Most importantly, today I told my children about separating from their father. I planned to tell them last night but was side tracked by a severe bout of bladder spasms. I have much to say about that, but it's secondary to...
Tonight I informed my H about my plan to separate. It was a brief and civil conversation . . . and he was completely taken aback.
I asked him to go to the store, figuring we could talk and neither one of us could walk away. Also, we'd be away from the kids.
A recent development made it s...
The news from my mom about my step-father's heart surgery really got to me. I had the worst headache of my life the night I got the news (last Thursday) and cried for hours as I tried to fall asleep. It wasn't clear to me why I was crying. I was in agony but I couldn't understand the reason for...
I have been and expect to continue working extremely long hours for the next few weeks. Some serious problems have come up at my job that require me to resolve, over and above my normal responsibilities. It's the nature of my position to take the heat or the fall when something goes wrong. I expec...
I definitely do not feel intrepid tonight. I failed to get my supplies for the self-catheterization this week. It was hard to find a place to get them. The prescription was dropped off on Tuesday. AF went way out of her way to help me with that because my schedule made it very difficult for me to accomplish. T...
I slept really well last night. I even stayed in bed a little late this morning. In fact, I intended to sleep in until 7:30, but my brain woke at 7:00. I wanted to get that last bit of sleep, but my thoughts were noisy like a lawnmower. There was no going back to sleep. I have a very busy brain that wants to ge...
It's strange to combine the two topics I have to write about tonight, but they really did follow one another yesterday.
My self-catheterization appointment was the last appointment of the day at my ObGyn's office. I asked for the last appointment in case I had a bad reaction. AF went with me, as planned,...
I nearly had to go to the hospital last night. I'm not positive what happened, but I believe I was having bladder spasms. I was with a friend who is a nurse. She really wanted me to go to the hospital. But, I called my ObGyn and asked if I could just monitor my pain overnight and let her know if i...
Please don't read this posting if you might be vulnerable to being triggered. For that reason, the whole thing is behind a spoiler.
This might just be the most important posting I have made.
Yesterday (August 6th) the dam finally broke. For the last two weeks, or possibly three weeks, I...
I have a memory I'm processing right now I just can't face writing yet. It's not that it relates to something "worse" than other things that happened to me. But, god, I'm deeply sickened by it. I just can't face saying the words out loud, in so much as writing them here represents that to me.
A week to go until the self-catheterization appointment. I spoke briefly with the ObGyn and asked her what the appointment will involve. The answer wasn't sufficiently detailed for me. It didn't tell me anything more than I know already. I was looking for more of a step-by-step description. Will anyone else touc...
I met a new friend months ago and spent time with her for the first time today. We got together for several hours. Over the months I have been sharing my story with her. She has been understanding, supportive, and incredibly helpful. We have some things in common in our histories, so she is able t...
Half way through the two-month stretch of mayhem at my job and I'm feeling as though I'm half way through a marathon. I'm working insane hours because we are in the thick of backfilling positions that stood vacant for a year or longer. It's a good thing that we've hired the people we need. But, it'...
At my T appointment this morning I read my letter to AF about shopping together day before yesterday. I also had a text from AF this morning asking if I was wearing one of the new outfits, and how I felt in it. She knew I had meetings today, which prompted my original request to go shopping in the first p...
There are so many things I want to say to you and I am so limited in my ability to say them. How does one find the words to thank someone who faced a dragon with them? Shopping today felt like facing a dragon, at least it did before hand.
Because of the challenges with which you are...
About Intrepid She
This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.
The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.
To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid
Search My Blog
Trigger Warnings for all of the following links (*entry is in secure forums not available outside of Pandy's):
- Why Now?
- One Year In
- The Gynecologist
- Coping with Gyno Fear
- Abuse History Outline
- My Step-father
- Being Photographed
- My Mother's Voice
- Confronting Incest 1
- Confronting Incest 2
- Confronting Incest 3
- F/F CSA
- Fear of Females
- Childhood Neglect
- More Neglect
- Wanting Attention
- Force Fed
- Inability to Cry
- Convincing Myself it Wasn't So Bad
- Forgiving My Need for Touch
- Impact of Abuse on Educ'n/Career*
Year 2, Day 7: My Body Still Pays the PriceLolli - Dec 21 2014 05:48 PM
Year 2, Day 7: My Body Still Pays the Pricesueb0311 - Dec 18 2014 05:29 PM
Year 2, Day 7: My Body Still Pays the PriceQrious - Dec 18 2014 04:47 PM
Day 367: Anniversary of ?intrepidshe - Dec 15 2014 06:58 PM
Day 367: Anniversary of ?jiva.7106 - Dec 15 2014 11:05 AM