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Day 239 and 240: Heretofore Unspeakable <Severe Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 07 August 2014 · 352 views

Aug. 6 and 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 167-168 Days
 
Please don't read this posting if you might be vulnerable to being triggered. For that reason, the whole thing is behind a spoiler.
 
Spoiler




I'm short on words right now but just want to let you know I'm here. 

 

<3

So much fear and helplessness and pain, and yet the toughest things to address and actually frame with words are the details about the acts in which we felt complicit.  Our shame arises from the illusion that we had control at those times, so we must surely have chosen to participate.  How many, many times have we all read variations upon this distorted truth here on Pandy's?  As reasoning adults, we know it's a distortion, but re-wiring the shame circuitry of our internal reality is another matter.

 

Feeling for you so much on this issue. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Intrepid, I'm short on words. I've been trying to process my repressed memories. I'm so very proud of you to having said the words out loud to AF. You are very lucky to have her. None of this was your fault. The monster is to blame. Sitting with you and offering safe hugs and my shoulder to cry on. You are so amazing. You are doing an incredible job on your healing journey. I'm honored to call you my friend. Much love, Sue
So glad you were able to get that out. None of this is your fault he is evil and carries all the shame. You were a precious innocent child trying to survive, you had no choice none. You are brave, keep up the good work you deserve to be loved.
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yarnfoolishness
Aug 08 2014 04:02 PM

I am incredibly grateful that you have a friend in AF.  I relate to everything you said.  None of it was your fault.  Not one bit.  

 

It does seem like the bits where we imagine we had a choice are the most incredibly painful and shame-filled.  The truth is, we do what we do in order to survive.  Particularly and especially as children. This does not mean we had an adult choice.  You didn't.  You simply didn't.

 

Be very very kind to you.  Be very very kind to your body.  Allow yourself to recover.

 

And know that I see no shame on you.  I see a brave survivor.

My T's eye widened to saucers when last session I explained how weirdly, thinking about a similar issue, I kept returning to a memory of almost drowning, of knowing I was surrounded by water but nonetheless having to will my mouth shut to stay alive.

I think my brain is kinder than my shame-filled adult mind is and keeps throwing up a useful connection. Your pain and memories of choking seem similar - your brain screaming at you that it wasn't your fault and any 'choice' was an illusion. You were a child. He was a monster.

Take care of you,

Q

Thanks for the trigger warning, Intrepid. This is too close to my own experiences for me to read right now. But i can tell from the above comments that it was horrible, horrible, horrible. Bottom line--no choice, no shame. (Adult) Grooming and control negates, perverts, and obscures (a child's) sense of, and actual, choice. It's hard to see, accept, and recover from. I hate helplessness the most.

 

Take care.

Sorry I'm a little late. Intrepid, I am so sorry that this happened to you...It's horrible, and NONE of it was your fault. I'm a little short on words, but I wanted to let you know that I read the whole thing, and that you are so brave for talking to her and for posting. You are so strong, intrepid, and inspirational. Take gentle care.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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