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Day 229: 14 Days to Self-catheterization; 1 Day to Shopping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 27 July 2014 · 399 views

July 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 157 Days
 
I'm thinking I should give myself a break. I'm thinking this because I have two big triggers to face and I'm looking to back out of one of them. But, I have been avoiding it for weeks and weeks now (shopping). And, I have another important event this week. My job calls for me to meet with guests who are strategically important to my organization. As much as I am not one who stands on formalities, I have to admit this is a time when it matters, when how a person looks impacts how they perform their job. I could rail on about society being superficial, but it wouldn't help me do my job successfully. Besides, this creates a motivation for me to face this fear I have of clothes shopping.
 
It's possible I will go tomorrow. AF has suggested tomorrow evening instead of Tuesday morning. She actually isn't in a good place to spend this kind of time with me. There is much work to do on our project and the deadline is looming larger and larger each hour. I tried to make an excuse along the lines of it not being a good idea for her to spend this time with me, but she had a ready response, "Oh, it's not going to take much time. You're not going to be able to tolerate shopping for long." It took a second for me to catch what she said. When I did I laughed loudly and told her I wouldn't speak to her any longer because she was a brat. Of course, I was kidding.
 
She really has a way of finding humor in moments when I am afraid or worried.
 
Yesterday, in anticipation of the possibility of going clothes shopping, I took a step in that direction, a sort of practice step. I hadn't intended to, though. I stopped by the store to pick up some items to bring to a friend's for dinner. As I walked toward the section of the store with the items I needed there was a series of clearance racks right along the aisle. I noticed a rack with shirts that caught my eye. They were just t-shirts, but more feminine than I would normally purchase. I walked past and thought about my plan to go shopping. So, I doubled back and decided to grab a couple t-shirts quickly. As I approached the rack with the t-shirts I felt my heart begin to race. But, I decided I could tolerate it. I told myself 'he' wasn't with me. No one would hurt me. No one would make fun of me.
 
As I was thinking these things I noticed a shirt on another rack that was a little more dressy than a t-shirt. I wanted to look closer to see what size it was, but I felt dizzy and could feel panic starting to rise inside me. I shook my head to clear it. It sounded like wind was blowing in my ears. I went to grab the t-shirts, but thought again. "Don't be afraid. It will be OK." I looked around to see if anyone was near me. I couldn't tolerate anyone being close, like at the same rack as me. I stepped up to the rack with the other shirt. It was too small. So, I looked for one in a larger size. My head really started to swim at this point. My heart felt like it was in the back of my mouth. I shook my head several more times to clear it. I took deep, slow breaths. I lost patience with the search but found another shirt in my size that was more feminine than the t-shirts. I grabbed it, along with the two t-shirts, and hoofed it away from that section, my head pounding.
 
I developed a migraine after that. My ribs pulled out. My shoulder started burning. But, I did it. I purchased the items and ended up wearing the nicer shirt to the dinner with my friends. They don't know me well enough to react, which helped. I didn't feel I was being appraised by them for how I looked. I had a pleasant visit and got home late. The migraine cleared before I got to their place. I took my prescription for it.
 
The one thing that didn't turn out well is that I broke my promise to not drive distracted or dissociated. I don't remember leaving the store, driving home, or whatever else happened up to the point I took the migraine medicine. I'm not sure how long I was home when I took it. So, I drove dissociated.
 
That's a difficult promise to keep because I don't know what's going to trigger me on any given day. And, I still struggle to recognize when I'm dissociated. Although, I knew I was doing something that would trigger me. So, I guess the lesson here is not to purposely do something triggering unless I have another driver with me.
 
Man . . . I'm having to add a lot of rules to my life!
 
If we go tomorrow I am hoping with all my might I don't have a bad reaction. There won't be time for me to grieve. I want very much to just get through it. But, I also know if I push myself past the emotions, I will be at risk of SH. I can feel the pull already. I don't want to cry, but I know I shouldn't SH. There is ground in between these two places. I just don't know what it looks like yet. I don't know how to find it. Please, let me find that ground tomorrow! I need to believe it's there and I need to believe I will find it. Also, I need to do what's necessary to avoid SH.
 
Sigh.
 
On the other front . . . 14 days to the self-catheterization appointment. I'm afraid about this, but less afraid than I am of shopping. I don't have anything to add on this topic tonight since I wrote about it last night. I will keep working on preparations and try not to think about it too much between now and then.
 
 
 
Addition a few hours later:
 
I forgot, again, to mention my T suggesting to me the idea of writing a letter to my parents and either not sending it, or sending it. My response at the time was I had already written the letter to my mom. So, I dismissed the idea summarily. However, I realized this evening I never wrote a letter to my step father. Now I feel the need to take on that project. But, no need to do so now, while having these other issues to address.



I hope you will find some clothes that you feel comfortable wearing, and very professional, befitting the true and wonderful person that you are.

 

I had a role model I fashioned my attire after. It helped me feel bigger and better than I normally felt.  I am so glad AF will be there to help you.

 

Take good care and here's hoping for the best possible outcome for you!!!

I don't like clothes shopping either so I often will shop online instead.

 

I hope all goes well tomorrow.hug.gif

:hug:

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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