Day 218: The Mirror Beyond the Veil
Rough day, but doing better. Cried my eyes out again. I feel like I am turning the corner on the grief. I hope so.
I realized today I have been living with two realities: one in which I expect abuse, neglect, and abandonment and another in which I live to ensure these things don't happen to others. There is one reality for me and another reality I create around me. I needed this construct to survive. I believed I lived behind a thin veil, opaque enough to hide the truth of what happened to me, the truth of my worthlessness and shame. It's fair to say I did live behind a veil. But, I am learning true reality is on this side now, the side in which my mom and step-father are to blame, the side in which there is hope and light.
It scares me to come out from behind the veil, to be exposed to vulnerability. I have so much to learn and I fear I lack the fortitude to look directly into the mirror. What I need to learn can only be found there.
Today I think I tore down the veil. There is no longer a separation between the reality of my childhood and the reality of my future. Terrible things happened to me. I feel impotent anger toward my parents. I feel sad too. But, I should feel these things. It makes sense to feel these things.
I might not be fully awakened to the light and playful self inside me tomorrow, but she's in eye sight. She's not too far ahead of me and she's willing to wait for me to catch up.