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Day 218: The Mirror Beyond the Veil

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 16 July 2014 · 194 views

July 16, 2014 Intrepid Age = 146 Days
 
Rough day, but doing better. Cried my eyes out again. I feel like I am turning the corner on the grief. I hope so.
 
I realized today I have been living with two realities: one in which I expect abuse, neglect, and abandonment and another in which I live to ensure these things don't happen to others. There is one reality for me and another reality I create around me. I needed this construct to survive. I believed I lived behind a thin veil, opaque enough to hide the truth of what happened to me, the truth of my worthlessness and shame. It's fair to say I did live behind a veil. But, I am learning true reality is on this side now, the side in which my mom and step-father are to blame, the side in which there is hope and light.
 
It scares me to come out from behind the veil, to be exposed to vulnerability. I have so much to learn and I fear I lack the fortitude to look directly into the mirror. What I need to learn can only be found there.
 
Today I think I tore down the veil. There is no longer a separation between the reality of my childhood and the reality of my future. Terrible things happened to me. I feel impotent anger toward my parents. I feel sad too. But, I should feel these things. It makes sense to feel these things.
 
I might not be fully awakened to the light and playful self inside me tomorrow, but she's in eye sight. She's not too far ahead of me and she's willing to wait for me to catch up.



I'm sure she is. And she needs you and all that you know and feel.

:metoyou:
This is huge - I'm so happy for you. You are correct it is their fault and they hold the shame and blame. I totally relate to being afraid of vulnerability. You have the right to feel all that you are feeling. You are brave, more than you know..... hope and light awesome!

Awesome for you intrepid. To be able to take that step to the other side. There is a whole life waiting there for you and you will get there. I am happy you realize your feelings are appropriate and that you place the blame and shame where it belongs.

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intrepidshe
Jul 17 2014 08:13 PM

Thank you to all of you! The feedback helps because mostly I feel scared about all this.

Intrepidshe, this is amazing. Good for you! You're right, it is their fault. Your are truly an amazing, strong person who is so insightful. Thanks for sharing.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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