Day 209: Do I Really Have to Go to the Doctor? (trigger warning)
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, it would be good not to have to see the doctor because it would mean all is well. But, second, if I don't see the doctor, I won't get another exposure until about 8 months from now. My T has been encouraging me to go more often, rather than less often, in order to desensitize me and help normalize the experience for me.
After my conversation with AF today I can see why this is important.
I talked to her about what would be involved with learning to self-catheter. I have great difficulty with my bladder because it can't empty itself fully. This causes me to have to go frequently and to experience a lot of pain . . . or to dehydrate in order to avoid the pain. Being dehydrated increases the frequency of vertigo. So, I always feel like I'm picking between the lesser evils. Do I want to feel like I'm spinning on a merry-go-round or do I want to be doubled-over in pain when I urinate? I usually pick the merry-go-round.
I have been considering self-catheterization for some time. A while back I asked AF about it and she asked me to think about how I would deal with my ObGyn showing me how to administer the procedure. That was a sobering question and made me drop the idea. But, I have gotten frustrated again with the pain and dizziness to the point of being willing to consider this possibility again. We have talked about it a couple more times, including today. Today I wanted to know if I should make a separate appointment for this topic and whether or not the appointment would require a physical exam. She confirmed that a physical exam will need to be done at some point. We discussed the option of me having just a talk appointment first and then scheduling the physical exam.
That conversation set off my anxiety symptoms. I was able to manage them while we were together and have been doing OK. But, the physical symptoms are starting. My breathing has gotten tight. My shoulder and wrist hurt. My ears are ringing. My throat is tight. My chest hurts. My head is pounding. As I was driving from her house to my house I kept asking myself if I really have to go to the doctor? I find myself feeling the same fear, the same anger. I don't know if it's as severe as before. We'll see.
There is a nice bottle of alcohol just in the next room. There is an implement I sometimes find useful for stress relief in my purse.
This is the moment when I make a better choice for Little Intrepid. This is the moment when I turn to my coping strategies. This is the moment when I reach out and admit I need help managing this fear and anger. I am still in a lot of pain from the things that were done to me for so many years. It's that pain that drives me to SH. I need to accept this pain, rather than try to numb myself from feeling it.
I feel angry, hurt, scared, and lonely because I was neglected, abused, belittled, and disbelieved.