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Day 209: Do I Really Have to Go to the Doctor? (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 07 July 2014 · 313 views

July 7, 2014 Intrepid Age = 137 Days:
My anxiety started creeping up today. I had blood drawn last week, with results due two weeks from the draw. Once the doctor reviews the results an appointment will be scheduled, if needed. If the tests come back within the normal ranges then no appointment needed. On this issue I am of two minds. First, it would be good not to have to see the doctor because it would mean all is well. But, second, if I don't see the doctor, I won't get another exposure until about 8 months from now. My T has been encouraging me to go more often, rather than less often, in order to desensitize me and help normalize the experience for me.
After my conversation with AF today I can see why this is important.
I talked to her about what would be involved with learning to self-catheter. I have great difficulty with my bladder because it can't empty itself fully. This causes me to have to go frequently and to experience a lot of pain . . . or to dehydrate in order to avoid the pain. Being dehydrated increases the frequency of vertigo. So, I always feel like I'm picking between the lesser evils. Do I want to feel like I'm spinning on a merry-go-round or do I want to be doubled-over in pain when I urinate? I usually pick the merry-go-round.
I have been considering self-catheterization for some time. A while back I asked AF about it and she asked me to think about how I would deal with my ObGyn showing me how to administer the procedure. That was a sobering question and made me drop the idea. But, I have gotten frustrated again with the pain and dizziness to the point of being willing to consider this possibility again. We have talked about it a couple more times, including today. Today I wanted to know if I should make a separate appointment for this topic and whether or not the appointment would require a physical exam. She confirmed that a physical exam will need to be done at some point. We discussed the option of me having just a talk appointment first and then scheduling the physical exam.
That conversation set off my anxiety symptoms. I was able to manage them while we were together and have been doing OK. But, the physical symptoms are starting. My breathing has gotten tight. My shoulder and wrist hurt. My ears are ringing. My throat is tight. My chest hurts. My head is pounding. As I was driving from her house to my house I kept asking myself if I really have to go to the doctor? I find myself feeling the same fear, the same anger. I don't know if it's as severe as before. We'll see.
There is a nice bottle of alcohol just in the next room. There is an implement I sometimes find useful for stress relief in my purse.
This is the moment when I make a better choice for Little Intrepid. This is the moment when I turn to my coping strategies. This is the moment when I reach out and admit I need help managing this fear and anger. I am still in a lot of pain from the things that were done to me for so many years. It's that pain that drives me to SH. I need to accept this pain, rather than try to numb myself from feeling it.
I feel angry, hurt, scared, and lonely because I was neglected, abused, belittled, and disbelieved.

Sitting with you and offering safe hugs. You can move through this and choose better coping techniques. You are not alone, we are here to help you and we love you dearly. You are an amazing person and are greatly needed in this world. You are also very brave for considering to confront this fear again. You are very inspiring and I think you have a lot to offer! :)
:hug: this is hard. Not turning to alcohol is hard. Self care is hard. It isn't fair that having survived so much, the scars and pain are a daily reminder. Sitting with you.

Just keep trying to remind yourself of where you were with this 3 months ago and all that has happened in between.  Things have changed since you last had an ObGyn appointment, haven't they?  YOU'RE not the same.  If you're not the same, why should your response continue to be exactly the same?  I know, easy for me to say, never having experienced your panic in that situation, but you are doing so well.  Try not to lose courage now - we believe in you.  Sitting with you also :hug:

Sending love to you, and a hope for self-care, especially now.


Slow and small-step approaches to a fear-object helps me. I like the idea of talking first to the doc, and then maybe another appointment later.


Maybe make an appointment to talk, and then start with going to the office parking lot and staying in the car until you can feel safe and calm. Imagine a good and positive talk, and then leave. By the time of the appointment, you may be much more ready to calmly talk, and hear her.

  You're in control of how long you stay in these practice sessions in the parking lot.


This has helped me approach my T.


It pains me that you are in pain.

Jul 08 2014 09:50 PM

Thanks you all! I appreciate your wisdom and encouragement. I need it for tomorrow, as it turns out.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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