Day 208: Heartbreak and Tears (trigger warning)
We made the drive home after some difficult farewells this morning. The trip was wonderful, connecting in new ways with old friends. One of the things that happened was a moment of someone else sharing that caused me to cry. That's never happened before! I have three women friends there whose kids all went to the same school as mine. We have known one another for many years. Our families spent this entire break together. The four of us were sitting around a fire talking last night when one friend, P, asked another, A, to explain her move to the community. We all know there is a DV story, but A hadn't shared the specifics.
P told A she would understand if it was too hard to talk about. A thought about it for a minute and then said that her ex-H r*-ed her every night for two years. He also abused her children. I know part of it was physical abuse and got the impression from what she said there might have been CSA as well.
As she talked she fought tears. As she talked I outright cried. I felt horrible, wanting so much to protect my friend and her children, whom I love dearly. It was awful to envision these precious people going through such agony. When I sensed tears starting I nearly stopped them. But, I decided it was appropriate to cry, and it was how I felt. I felt shocked and sad. I felt angry and protective. Tears were the reasonable response.
This conversation helped me realize I love them too. My friends and their children have often told me they love me. And, as I said yesterday, I wasn't able to feel their expressions of love. I believed them; I just couldn't feel it. I also knew I loved them. I would say so in response. But, the emotion was more of a cognitive awareness, not a feeling.
I feel heartbroken for my friend and her beautiful children. She didn't deserve what happened to her! Her children didn't deserve what happened to them! It's so fucked up that abuse is so rampant! I know another of these three women was also abused. It wouldn't at all surprise me if the remaining one was as well. In fact, I'm to the point I am surprised if a woman goes through her life without being abused.
I wish this didn't happen. I wish it so much!