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Day 208: Heartbreak and Tears (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 06 July 2014 · 569 views

July 6, 2014 Intrepid Age = 136 Days:
 
We made the drive home after some difficult farewells this morning. The trip was wonderful, connecting in new ways with old friends. One of the things that happened was a moment of someone else sharing that caused me to cry. That's never happened before! I have three women friends there whose kids all went to the same school as mine. We have known one another for many years. Our families spent this entire break together. The four of us were sitting around a fire talking last night when one friend, P, asked another, A, to explain her move to the community. We all know there is a DV story, but A hadn't shared the specifics.
 
P told A she would understand if it was too hard to talk about. A thought about it for a minute and then said that her ex-H r*-ed her every night for two years. He also abused her children. I know part of it was physical abuse and got the impression from what she said there might have been CSA as well.
 
As she talked she fought tears. As she talked I outright cried. I felt horrible, wanting so much to protect my friend and her children, whom I love dearly. It was awful to envision these precious people going through such agony. When I sensed tears starting I nearly stopped them. But, I decided it was appropriate to cry, and it was how I felt. I felt shocked and sad. I felt angry and protective. Tears were the reasonable response.
 
This conversation helped me realize I love them too. My friends and their children have often told me they love me. And, as I said yesterday, I wasn't able to feel their expressions of love. I believed them; I just couldn't feel it. I also knew I loved them. I would say so in response. But, the emotion was more of a cognitive awareness, not a feeling.
 
I feel heartbroken for my friend and her beautiful children. She didn't deserve what happened to her! Her children didn't deserve what happened to them! It's so fucked up that abuse is so rampant! I know another of these three women was also abused. It wouldn't at all surprise me if the remaining one was as well. In fact, I'm to the point I am surprised if a woman goes through her life without being abused.
 
I wish this didn't happen. I wish it so much!



And the really awful thing is that so many of us feel so alone with it all. And if we looked around us most women we laid our eyes on would be abuse survivors also. Sites like Pandy's help with that alone feeling some. But there are so dang many of us floating around out there still thinking we are alone with it.

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intrepidshe
Jul 06 2014 09:14 PM

Lolli, that's so true, sadly.

Very powerful and touching to read this.

Thanks for sharing.

:hug:

Paradigm shifts can be so disorientating can't they? But you seemed to have managed this one, around accepting and feeling appropriate safe love so well. I'm so happy for you and proud of you.

I often look around and wonder how many women have been physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused. Like you, ice cone (I've come - what an odd auto correct!) to the conclusion the answer is:" Most of them!" Shocking. But it shows we aren't alone. Sad but true.
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intrepidshe
Jul 06 2014 11:40 PM

Thank you, Jiva!

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intrepidshe
Jul 06 2014 11:43 PM

hug.gif

Paradigm shifts can be so disorientating can't they? But you seemed to have managed this one, around accepting and feeling appropriate safe love so well. I'm so happy for you and proud of you.

I often look around and wonder how many women have been physically, emotionally and/or sexually abused. Like you, ice cone (I've come - what an odd auto correct!) to the conclusion the answer is:" Most of them!" Shocking. But it shows we aren't alone. Sad but true.

 

It is sad. And I feel very angry about it. I want to not be alone in how loved we are instead of how wounded we are. This doesn't cause me to believe the world is a terrible place, but it hurts a lot knowing this is part of what the world is like.

Yes, it's horrible to think that we meet and talk to people every day who appear so normal, just like we ourselves tried to behave "normally", and yet many of them are either abused or abusers.  Since I started to deal with CSA, and have cried oceans of tears, I find I have a lot more compassion for other people - which I guess is a good thing and possibly makes me a nicer person to know (sigh)

:hug: allegro. I think you're nice :)

I also wander around thinking, I/we never know what someone is dealing with on a private level. The superficial social discourse is just convention. Meanwhile,....

 

It's a tough place to live sometimes.

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intrepidshe
Jul 07 2014 10:38 PM

Jiva,

 

That's such a good point. I also remind myself of this when someone drives in a manner that annoys me.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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