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Day 195: Terrible News in an Inconvenient Place

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 23 June 2014 · 217 views

June 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 123 Days:
 
I'm home. It feels like I was away for a long time because I haven't been keeping up with other's blogs here. So, I won't do a full posting tonight. I want to catch up with everyone.
 
I feel exhausted. I am sore from crying. As I wrote that posting last night I cried so much it was nearly impossible to type. It took me until the early hours of the morning this morning to finish and hit submit. I can't believe how much I cried. It felt like it wouldn't stop. But, eventually I ran out of energy and fell asleep. I'm very tired tonight. Hopefully that means I'll sleep well.
 
It was awful to receive this news the way I did, where I did. I was at the Sarah McLachlan concert, about 15 minutes from the start of the show, sitting next to my sister. It was not a place where I could envision someone experiencing such intense grief, and not a person with whom I could share it. I read the news and realized as I sat there I couldn't keep it together. I excused myself to use the restroom. And, since it was an outdoor venue, they only had pit toilets.
 
Thankfully I made it to a set of them that was separated. No one else was in that area. I shut myself into a stall, laid my head on my arm and just let the tears come. I cried harder than I ever have. I know that's not saying much since crying is new for me. But, it was so intense I couldn't breath. Maybe that's typical. I don't know.
 
On the up side, from a healing standpoint, I felt the emotion and was able to let it out. I wish I had someone to share it with, but at least I didn't stuff it in my body.
 
There are more tears in there. I feel them even now as I write this. But, I'm home and, again, this isn't the place.
 
Now . . . it's time for me to catch up with everyone's goings on. I know I won't get there in one sitting, but I'm looking forward to reconnecting!



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yarnfoolishness
Jun 23 2014 08:10 PM
:hug:
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intrepidshe
Jun 23 2014 08:11 PM

Hi Yarn! It's good to be back.

I am so excited you are back! It felt like forever...and I hate that feeling! *happy dance*

 

 

Is there a way you can bottle up the trick to crying?

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intrepidshe
Jun 23 2014 08:40 PM

It felt like forever to me as well. I really missed connecting with everyone.

 

I am amazed that I've been able to cry! I know I could have times of being stuck and stuffing emotions into my body. I don't expect to eliminate a life-long pattern that easily. But, at least now I have seen it's not just a fluke for me. I received incredibly painful news and my initial reaction to it was to feel the need to cry. It's a big change and it wasn't easy to achieve.

 

I wish it was something that could be bottled. I imagine it's different for every one of us. For me it was initially about safety combined with safe touch. Safety is still a struggle. But, I'm working on it.

So much pain and love.

 

Take care.

:hug: Rest well dear friend.

I am very sorry for your loss and yet very happy for your feelings......or rather the ability to feel and express them.

thinking of you <3

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intrepidshe
Jun 25 2014 11:09 PM

Thanks to all of you, so much, for the compassion and understanding.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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