Day 193: Tears with PF
PF and I went out for coffee and had a long talk. I brought her up to date on my healing process and recent goings on. We talked about my intense need for affection and she said the same kinds of things AF says to me. Of course I feel starved, I have been starved.
After we were home and I was ready for bed I worked up the courage to ask her to hold me. It was still hard and I was scared. But I managed to get the words out. And she readily agreed, as she had earlier assured me. She told me I need only ask. I said to her I need to know the rules. She said there aren't really rules. This is hard for me because I understand the world through rules.
So, when I asked, she pulled up next to me and put her arms around me. I cuddled into her, putting my head on her shoulder. We sat quietly. I listened to her heartbeat and breathing and listened to Little Intrepid. She was very content. PF has been with us for many years. This felt safe and gentle. And then I thought, "god, this is all she needed, all these years. Why was this so much to ask? Why did it always have such a price tag?!"
The next thing I knew I was crying again. That now makes 4 times in one week. But I just couldn't contain it. I felt so safe and loved. I cried and she held me. No judgment. She thanked me for trusting her and for letting her in.
It's amazing to me how much grief is inside me. Every time it surfaces it feels endless. But then the tears stop and I am able to return to normal. There might be more in there, but what needed released was released for the moment.
I thanked her and she went off to bed after giving me one more hug.
I feel relieved yet again. Breathing easily. She told me to expect this grief to take a while to process. She knows I am impatient and like to get things taken care of.
I am incredibly, incredibly lucky to have these friends in my life! This means you as well my Pandy's friends!