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Day 193: Tears with PF

Posted by intrepidshe , 22 June 2014 · 269 views

June 21, 2014 Intrepid Age = 121 Days:

PF and I went out for coffee and had a long talk. I brought her up to date on my healing process and recent goings on. We talked about my intense need for affection and she said the same kinds of things AF says to me. Of course I feel starved, I have been starved.

After we were home and I was ready for bed I worked up the courage to ask her to hold me. It was still hard and I was scared. But I managed to get the words out. And she readily agreed, as she had earlier assured me. She told me I need only ask. I said to her I need to know the rules. She said there aren't really rules. This is hard for me because I understand the world through rules.

So, when I asked, she pulled up next to me and put her arms around me. I cuddled into her, putting my head on her shoulder. We sat quietly. I listened to her heartbeat and breathing and listened to Little Intrepid. She was very content. PF has been with us for many years. This felt safe and gentle. And then I thought, "god, this is all she needed, all these years. Why was this so much to ask? Why did it always have such a price tag?!"

The next thing I knew I was crying again. That now makes 4 times in one week. But I just couldn't contain it. I felt so safe and loved. I cried and she held me. No judgment. She thanked me for trusting her and for letting her in.

It's amazing to me how much grief is inside me. Every time it surfaces it feels endless. But then the tears stop and I am able to return to normal. There might be more in there, but what needed released was released for the moment.

I thanked her and she went off to bed after giving me one more hug.

I feel relieved yet again. Breathing easily. She told me to expect this grief to take a while to process. She knows I am impatient and like to get things taken care of.

I am incredibly, incredibly lucky to have these friends in my life! This means you as well my Pandy's friends!

I love this. My heart melts with love and joy for little intrepid cage (*because- I left this in so you can see what I mean when I told you I will type completely the wrong word and not notice. I read this three times before I did!) is being heard and loved and nurtured. It is a beautiful, wonderful thing to witness- you are so generous with sharing it with us. Thank you. :hug:

I understand the need for rules. I make rules if they aren't given. I can't help it. Rules keep me safe. I've done it to T. Because she gave me no rules. Said there were none. I told her there were rules- they are called boundaries. She had to accept this was a set of rules. I hate these rules because she won't hold me. So I can't cry with her.

Oh. I am crying silent tears. But I feel nothing. What on EARTH is that about????
Just read this in my paper I wanted to share with you intrepid:

"I associate hugs with neediness, and needy is not attractive. But actually, we do need each other. It is not weak. There's a huge strength in being willing to be vulnerable.

Hugs are good for you, even on a practical level. Cuddling bolsters confidence. Far from being frivolous, it would...calm any physiological damage done by stress".

Jun 22 2014 12:34 PM

Thank you so much for these comments (as written)! I love that you showed that error. As you know, I very much identify.

It is incredibly frustrating to me, as it happens to me all the time. But it is wonderful to accept it and have fun with it. The funny ones end up on a white board in our conference room at work. Not just mine. But most of them are mine. ;-)

Thank you for the encouragement. I think I have turned a corner. I hope so.

This corner, I think, puts me on a path to healing the deep wounds. I am understanding right now that I needed this first. I couldn't get there without being able to cry and to be held. This pain is too great.

I am so glad you added that quote too! PF said something very similar to me last night. She said being held discharges negative energy. I am learning how this feels.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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- Framed and Unashamed

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- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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