Day 182: Shut That Baby Up! <Trigger Warning>
Patience, trust, and love.
I know I need to lean into these emotions, but god, it's so hard! I also need to improve my self-soothing skills. I had a horrible, horrible night last night because I was racked with fear, which sparked self-loathing and even . . . umm . . . even . . . sui* ideation. Not that I would ever, could EVER. But, the wish for release from this anguish was intense. I prayed for sleep to shut down my brain. "Please, please make it stop!" I wanted to punch the wall. But, I didn't. I knew not to. I promised not to.
I get so angry with myself because I know, rationally, these feelings are temporary. I don't need to feel this way! The emotions always improve with the light of day. The feelings are based on an infant's fear. They are not reasonable.
- I am not abandoned.
- I am not alone.
- I am not laying in a box, unattended for hours.
- I am safe.
- I am fed.
- I am loved.
- No one is coming into my room to hurt me.
I laid there thinking it would be good for me if I cried, let the emotions out. I couldn't. All I could feel was angry, not sad. Angry at Baby Intrepid for being so irrational and demanding.
In a way I was my mom, I guess. I was angry at that baby the same way she probably was. She just wanted me to shut up so she could sleep. She didn't have anything to give me. It didn't matter what I needed. It didn't matter if I needed to be held or fed. Just please shut up already!
But, telling myself the emotions were ridiculous certainly didn't help.
I finally got up at 4:30. I watched TV and sat with our cats. I paced around the house. I thought about going out for a walk. But, I decided that hour in the dark might not be a wise choice. I realized it was partially a desire to engage in risky behavior. It was mostly a desire to engage in risky behavior.
I watched the sun rise. Slowly I felt less intense, less angry, less afraid. I got ready for work early and did a little work from home. By the time I actually got to my office I felt fine. There were remnants inside, but they were laying quiet, just the embers of a fire from the night previous.
My work day went well. Very productive, and full of interesting tasks, tasks that remind me of the reason I do what I do for a living. I got to go out to lunch with AF and had an absolutely delightful visit with her. Goodness she is a joy! As we drove back to the office she asked me about my night. I acknowledged it was very difficult. She asked what that was about. After some querying on her part I admitted it was the same issue of accepting my need for love. And, she was completely great about it . . . again.
How many times am I going to make her walk through this same reassurance? Sheesh!
She rubbed her hand across my shoulders and told me it's not wrong to need affection and attention. I am experiencing the needs of an infant. It's difficult to be going through this now as an adult. But, it doesn't make it wrong for me to have these needs. I just have to learn, now, how to meet them. I need to be able to self-soothe more effectively. I need to ask for affection. She told me again it's OK to ask.
I talked about needing to keep from adding stress to her life. I said adults can moderate their needs to accommodate the needs of others. I also said I need some amount of regular contact. She knows that. She already gives me regular contact. I think what I meant was scheduled contact. Perhaps we'll find a way to work that out, if it isn't asking too much. She did suggest I could come to her house. It would be easier than during work hours when I'd really rather not face being triggered. I'm not sure at what point that will be allowable. And, I need rules.
As much as this situation scares me, because I can't control it, I really do believe it will get better.
I felt enormously better just talking with her about it today. It took all of the negative energy out and I felt relaxed again.
We laughed at the end of the conversation because, even though it will likely take more than a few weeks (as I had hoped) for me to get past this stage, it is not likely to take the same 47 years it took to reach this stage.
Gosh growing up is difficult!