Jump to content






Photo

Day 182: Shut That Baby Up! <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 10 June 2014 · 255 views

June 10, 2014 Intrepid Age = 111 Days:
 
Patience, trust, and love.
 
I know I need to lean into these emotions, but god, it's so hard! I also need to improve my self-soothing skills. I had a horrible, horrible night last night because I was racked with fear, which sparked self-loathing and even . . . umm . . . even . . . sui* ideation. Not that I would ever, could EVER. But, the wish for release from this anguish was intense. I prayed for sleep to shut down my brain. "Please, please make it stop!" I wanted to punch the wall. But, I didn't. I knew not to. I promised not to.
 
I get so angry with myself because I know, rationally, these feelings are temporary. I don't need to feel this way! The emotions always improve with the light of day. The feelings are based on an infant's fear. They are not reasonable.
  • I am not abandoned.
  • I am not alone.
  • I am not laying in a box, unattended for hours.
  • I am safe.
  • I am fed.
  • I am loved.
  • No one is coming into my room to hurt me.  
I am not abandoned. Why do I feel it so intensely?! Why won't the feeling just go the fuck away now?!!
 
I laid there thinking it would be good for me if I cried, let the emotions out. I couldn't. All I could feel was angry, not sad. Angry at Baby Intrepid for being so irrational and demanding.
 
In a way I was my mom, I guess. I was angry at that baby the same way she probably was. She just wanted me to shut up so she could sleep. She didn't have anything to give me. It didn't matter what I needed. It didn't matter if I needed to be held or fed. Just please shut up already!
 
But, telling myself the emotions were ridiculous certainly didn't help.
 
I finally got up at 4:30. I watched TV and sat with our cats. I paced around the house. I thought about going out for a walk. But, I decided that hour in the dark might not be a wise choice. I realized it was partially a desire to engage in risky behavior. It was mostly a desire to engage in risky behavior.
 
I watched the sun rise. Slowly I felt less intense, less angry, less afraid. I got ready for work early and did a little work from home. By the time I actually got to my office I felt fine. There were remnants inside, but they were laying quiet, just the embers of a fire from the night previous.
 
My work day went well. Very productive, and full of interesting tasks, tasks that remind me of the reason I do what I do for a living. I got to go out to lunch with AF and had an absolutely delightful visit with her. Goodness she is a joy! As we drove back to the office she asked me about my night. I acknowledged it was very difficult. She asked what that was about. After some querying on her part I admitted it was the same issue of accepting my need for love. And, she was completely great about it . . . again.
 
How many times am I going to make her walk through this same reassurance? Sheesh!
 
She rubbed her hand across my shoulders and told me it's not wrong to need affection and attention. I am experiencing the needs of an infant. It's difficult to be going through this now as an adult. But, it doesn't make it wrong for me to have these needs. I just have to learn, now, how to meet them. I need to be able to self-soothe more effectively. I need to ask for affection. She told me again it's OK to ask.
 
I talked about needing to keep from adding stress to her life. I said adults can moderate their needs to accommodate the needs of others. I also said I need some amount of regular contact. She knows that. She already gives me regular contact. I think what I meant was scheduled contact. Perhaps we'll find a way to work that out, if it isn't asking too much. She did suggest I could come to her house. It would be easier than during work hours when I'd really rather not face being triggered. I'm not sure at what point that will be allowable. And, I need rules.
 
As much as this situation scares me, because I can't control it, I really do believe it will get better.
 
I felt enormously better just talking with her about it today. It took all of the negative energy out and I felt relaxed again.
 
We laughed at the end of the conversation because, even though it will likely take more than a few weeks (as I had hoped) for me to get past this stage, it is not likely to take the same 47 years it took to reach this stage. Posted Image
 
Gosh growing up is difficult!



I wish I had your comprehension, your acceptance of your need.

 

It will get better.

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 10 2014 07:46 PM

Jiva,

 

it's really nice to see your perspective on it. I feel all kinds of resistance alongside that acceptance. But, that resistance, as the Borg would say, is futile. It keeps me up at night whether I resist it or not. So, I guess acceptance is the only option left. ;-)

Yeesh you are so brave! I have this same need...this same dilemma...yet I'm not quite brave enough to actually voice it, much less accept it.

 

Thanks for writing this...maybe one day I will find a way to accept that I have this need as well.

'Gosh growing up is difficult!'

:)

Too true!
Yes. Your last sentence says it all. Now I know why my teenage DD is so difficult! Ah- Existential angst. To quote Franz Kafka: "You are free and that is why you are lost." :hug:

"How many times am I going to make her walk through this same reassurance? Sheesh!"

 

I feel like this all the time. Most of the time I don't know I need the reassurance until the words are being spoken and they make me feel better (once I get past the anger) and then I realize they were just the words I needed to hear.  

 

One idea: perhaps she can write a note for you to carry in your pocket that you can then look at when you feel that anxiety or think that you might need to hear them?

 

I have a journal that I write stuff down in that people say that make me feel better (oh I need to update it actually).

 

Once again, so proud of you!!  Remember to pat yourself on the back too!

:metoyou: I wish things were easier for you. I'm losing my words at the moment, but please know I care and send you comfort :blanket:

My children say I am the best hugger so here is some for you:hug.gifhug.gif

 

I still have difficulty with acceptance.  I use to ask my T How do I accept the unacceptable?  Her reply was acceptance does not mean you like it.  Acceptance does not mean you can change it.  It just is what it is.  I get this logically but not emotionally cuz it hurts too much.  I am working on this still.

 

I read into your post guilt for needing and desiring affection and attention.  Most people do need and desire these connections at any age.  The lack of these connections as a child are called stroke deprivations, not a good thing.  Like you, I know what that feels like and how it hounds me to yearning it so much that the pain is so desolate and dark.

 

Perhaps the attention and affection you receive from those you care about you could share with little Intrepid like letting her know in some way that the connection you receive includes her as well. 

 

Sorry I wrote a book.metoyou.gif

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 11 2014 07:12 PM

Yeesh you are so brave! I have this same need...this same dilemma...yet I'm not quite brave enough to actually voice it, much less accept it.

 

Thanks for writing this...maybe one day I will find a way to accept that I have this need as well.

 

We all should be able to have this need met. Learning how to accomplish that is incredibly difficult. I hope you are also able to accept having this need. I certainly accept that everyone else does! So, if that's the case, if you have this need, then it has to be OK that I have this need. And vice versa. Right?

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 11 2014 07:13 PM

'Gosh growing up is difficult!'

smile.png

Too true!

 

Hee hee. May I be excused from this? Oh wait, that's how I have lived thus far and it's not exactly been healthy for me. Shoot.

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 11 2014 07:13 PM

Yes. Your last sentence says it all. Now I know why my teenage DD is so difficult! Ah- Existential angst. To quote Franz Kafka: "You are free and that is why you are lost." hug.gif

 

Mand, I love that quote. I'm glad you shared it. hug.gif

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 11 2014 07:14 PM

metoyou.gif I wish things were easier for you. I'm losing my words at the moment, but please know I care and send you comfort blanket.gif

 

Thank you Free! The care and comfort are much needed and appreciated.

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 11 2014 07:19 PM

My children say I am the best hugger so here is some for you:hug.gifhug.gif

 

I still have difficulty with acceptance.  I use to ask my T How do I accept the unacceptable?  Her reply was acceptance does not mean you like it.  Acceptance does not mean you can change it.  It just is what it is.  I get this logically but not emotionally cuz it hurts too much.  I am working on this still.

 

I read into your post guilt for needing and desiring affection and attention.  Most people do need and desire these connections at any age.  The lack of these connections as a child are called stroke deprivations, not a good thing.  Like you, I know what that feels like and how it hounds me to yearning it so much that the pain is so desolate and dark.

 

Perhaps the attention and affection you receive from those you care about you could share with little Intrepid like letting her know in some way that the connection you receive includes her as well. 

 

Sorry I wrote a book.metoyou.gif

 

I haven't heard that term, "stroke deprivations." I'll read up on it. I'm sure it will be informative to me. Thanks for that! Your words about the feeling are very descriptive, "desolate and dark." I do feel desolate when that need is intense.

 

Also, thanks for sharing that about acceptance. Such a good point!

 

I am working hard to let the affection in my life soak into Little Intrepid. It'll happen. Again, I need to be patient. This is new for me and I don't have my footing yet. Hmm, perhaps a metaphor for this is learning to walk.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

May 2015

S M T W T F S
     12
3456789
10111213141516
1718192021 22 23
24252627282930
31      

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.