Jump to content






Photo

Day 177: More Tears - The Boundaries of Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 05 June 2014 · 464 views

June 5, 2014 Intrepid Age = 106 Days:
 
Whew, last night was tough! I was on pins and needles through the evening not sure I wanted to talk to AF and knowing I needed to talk to her. I have a rule I follow that I don't call her in the evening. She is with her family and needs time for them. I text her to let her know I hope to hear from her, but I don't have an expectation she will contact me. If she is busy with family, that certainly comes first. Or, for that matter, if she would rather wait to talk to me later that's OK too.
 
But she did text me and we communicated for a good while about my posting. She was understanding and gentle. She also did a wonderful job communicating her boundaries, which is essential in my current state of neediness. We clarified my expectations. I think it was helpful. I hope it was helpful to her.
 
I apologized to her for my posting, for my need to be reassured. I feel like I have made her go over and over the same issue. She told me I didn't need to apologize.
 
Her next messages really got to me:
 


"You are not wrong to need attention."

"You are not wrong to want to spend time with someone who makes you feel good about yourself and safe."

 
I read that and tears immediately erupted. Posted Image
 
We then talked about me needing hugs or needing to be held more often and her not being available necessarily when I feel the need. Of course my posting last night described an intense level of need. She said she feels bad because she's not as available for me as I need.
 
I realized something incredibly important when she said that. It's not that I need so MUCH affection; it's simply that I need to know it will be available at some time. So, if I ask it might not be now, but a time could be set aside. Adult Intrepid helps Little Intrepid be patient and feel cared for in between. Just knowing there is a time to come will take down the anxiety. 
 
Little Intrepid's anxiety is the not knowing if it will be, if the need will be met at any point. She is accustomed to not knowing if her needs will ever be met. So, she latches on to what she can get when she can get it. It could be a very long time, years and years, until the next hug.
 
It was powerful for me to understand this and let AF know. I hope she understood. I think she did. She said:
 


"Think of me as a surrogate mother. I'm a little late showing up, but I can fill the shoes in some respects. I can only imagine how much pain you struggle with. It's so cruel what your mother did and denied you."

 

This started me crying again. The tears felt very remote, like they came from somewhere far, far away or someplace very deep. It hurt a lot! Posted ImageMan, crying is painful!
 
But, I explained to her I don't expect her to actually be my mom. And, I need to be able to mother her sometimes too.
 
We agreed on some boundaries and I felt very much relieved! It's incredible how important that is to me. Like a small child, I guess. Boundaries give me safety. It's good to know the communication rules.
 
We talked about my SI urge. I explained I was able to choose about it, choose not to SI, and the impulse has improved a great deal since before T. She let me know she worries about it getting worse or me having more difficult times in the next while (in light of my marital distress) that will trigger me.
 
I realized as we talked about SI-ing she might worry about me. It hit me for the first time in my life, my well-being really matters. Someone worries about me. Someone feels protective of me.
 
And, amazingly, I started crying again! Posted Image
 
I promised her I would not SI again, or engage in any more risky behavior. I didn't want her to worry. I didn't want her to feel afraid. I wanted her to know I can take care of Little Intrepid and of Adult Intrepid. I can keep us safe, even if we're having a hard time, if we're in pain or scared.
 
This was a very different reason for me to consider taking care of me. Of course, I have thought about this for my kids too. I improved my life dramatically for their sake. I stopped drinking. I have been monogamous. I have taken care of my health against great, great resistance and fear. For their sake. But, it was another layer to improve my self care, a layer that said I matter not because of what someone needs from me. I just matter.
 
The tears flowed steadily for a while with that thought. Posted Image
 
She said, "You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, including yourself."
 
I realized as we were bringing the conversation to a close I feel sad because I was so hurt for so long that I can't handle being loved.
 
I curled up with a pillow and cried myself to sleep. I have never done that in my life as far as I can remember. I didn't even think that was a real thing. But, as I tried to relax, the tears kept coming. I'd blow my nose and lay back down. Then, as my mind started to quiet, more tears would start. I don't know how long this went on. I last looked at the clock at 1 am.
 
But, I felt lighter today. I can feel more grief in there wanting expression. I don't know when it will find its way to the surface. As I drove home today I thought, "Hmm, I was in a good mood today. Maybe I'm all done with the grieving." Wishful thinking, I guess.
 
So, I think what I learned yesterday is that I didn't learn as a child how to be loved, how to have boundaries related to love. I have to learn them now and it's scary. But, I'm not so frightened about it today compared to yesterday. I don't feel so ashamed today. I just didn't learn this, that's all. I can learn it and not only will she help me, but so will my T and so will my Portland Friend, and of course y'all.
 
 



Photo
yarnfoolishness
Jun 05 2014 08:21 PM

Wow.  Intrepid you have done some amazing work.  I am uncountably (as in can't count how much) happy for you.  Such huge steps forward.

 

Sending kindness and gentleness my amazing friend.  

 

:cuppa:

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 08:24 PM

Wow.  Intrepid you have done some amazing work.  I am uncountably (as in can't count how much) happy for you.  Such huge steps forward.

 

Sending kindness and gentleness my amazing friend.  

 

tea%20smilie.gif

 

Yarn, thank you so much! You really make me smile.

You never cease to amaze me.

 

And I also worry about your SI, because I don't want you to hurt that much emotionally, or cause pain to yourself physically because you hurt so much. You do matter, to many, many of us.

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 09:01 PM

You never cease to amaze me.

 

And I also worry about your SI, because I don't want you to hurt that much emotionally, or cause pain to yourself physically because you hurt so much. You do matter, to many, many of us.

 

Oh Jiva! crymd.gif Thank you!

Photo
FinallyHere
Jun 05 2014 09:04 PM

The negotiating and communicating between you and your friend creates so much hope. It's not only inspiring but a compass that provides guidance for others without being as prescriptive as a map. This kind of generous sharing of such a development is invaluable - like yarnfoolishness said!
 
I feel a happier knowing you cried! (you know what I mean)

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 09:06 PM

The negotiating and communicating between you and your friend creates so much hope. It's not only inspiring but a compass that provides guidance for others without being as prescriptive as a map. This kind of generous sharing of such a development is invaluable - like yarnfoolishness said!
 
I feel a happier knowing you cried! (you know what I mean)

 

FH, I do know what you mean. And thanks for the feedback. I wasn't sure this would be a topic worthwhile to post. I feel self conscious about writing so much blow-by-blow detail. I continue to be astonished by people reading and responding. But, I read and respond to others' blogs and find it incredibly healing.

I feel very honored to be able to read your journey. My heart aches for all you suffered, for all the pain you still have........but my soul sings every single time I read your progress. The insight you have into yourself just amazes me. I am still so far disconnected from everything me that getting any where near where you are seems impossible. But you have shown me that it is possible.

Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 09:15 PM

I feel very honored to be able to read your journey. My heart aches for all you suffered, for all the pain you still have........but my soul sings every single time I read your progress. The insight you have into yourself just amazes me. I am still so far disconnected from everything me that getting any where near where you are seems impossible. But you have shown me that it is possible.

 

Lolli, that's so very kind. Thank you! I certainly don't feel insightful. I write in order to discover what's going on inside me. It's the only way to know myself. I can't ever find the words when I talk. I guess Little Intrepid had her right to speak taken away from her. Hmm.

 

But, I'm glad it makes it seem possible for you! I hope you find the path you need! I hope that for you with all my heart.

Intrepid I am continuously amazed by you. Really what an incredible journey you are on. This is a big milestone in that journey. Thank you so much for sharing this inspiring moment. It made me smile and I really needed that right now.
Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 05 2014 09:38 PM

Intrepid I am continuously amazed by you. Really what an incredible journey you are on. This is a big milestone in that journey. Thank you so much for sharing this inspiring moment. It made me smile and I really needed that right now.

 

Thank you Nebulas! It really was a milestone, wasn't it? It really helps me to hear. I think the things I share are mundane. But boy it felt monumental to me.

She said, "You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, including yourself."

This line made me cry too. There is such truth and love in it. I kinda feel that you and I are at a similar point at the moment. It's very comforting and I am so grateful for your eloquence.

I'm grateful to your AF too. That you have her. I am grateful for my DH, that I have him.

Walking on this road with you, carrying a box of tissues for us to use!

:hug:
Photo
intrepidshe
Jun 06 2014 12:17 AM

She said, "You don't deserve to be hurt by anyone, including yourself."
This line made me cry too. There is such truth and love in it. I kinda feel that you and I are at a similar point at the moment. It's very comforting and I am so grateful for your eloquence.
I'm grateful to your AF too. That you have her. I am grateful for my DH, that I have him.
Walking on this road with you, carrying a box of tissues for us to use!
:hug:


Sharing the tissue box with you, Mand. We'll get through this. Thanks for sharing your experiences too! You have helped me more than I can say.

 

Intrepid I am continuously amazed by you. Really what an incredible journey you are on. This is a big milestone in that journey. Thank you so much for sharing this inspiring moment. It made me smile and I really needed that right now.

 

Thank you Nebulas! It really was a milestone, wasn't it? It really helps me to hear. I think the things I share are mundane. But boy it felt monumental to me.

 

YES IT WAS!!!  

I believe crying cleanses the soul of the dirt from our past.  You did a lot of cleansing and gained huge amounts of insight.

 

I am glad that you AF in your life she sounds so wonderful for you.

 

hug.gif

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

June 2016

S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
26 27282930  

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.