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Day 169: Between the Raindrops

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 28 May 2014 · 274 views

May 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 98 Days:
 
I want to thank Jiva for pointing me in the direction of the exercise I will undertake tonight. But first, I need to admit one more fear, a fear underneath and driving the others, a fear I didn't recognize last night.
  • I'm afraid after this weekend she'll be done with me.
  • What will happen: My needs are infantile. I can't help it. She'll decide I'm too much work and the friendship will be over.
  • I don't think it will happen. I trust her. I love her. She loves me too. I need to trust love. It's just so scary to believe I could be worthy of the dedication and support she offers. She is so very good to me. Being worthy of such love is an excruciating hope to feel.
  • This is an intense fear. I know it's unreasonable. It's just so difficult to pit my current trust in her against a lifetime of agonizing betrayal and abuse. But, I shouldn't look at it that way. It is not THEN against NOW. It is only NOW. Only the love I feel today.
My AF Rule: Trust love.
 
 
 
Today's Exercise:
 
I have been fighting a war inside me over whether or not what happened to me really qualifies as bad. Back on March 24th I wrote the following phrases coming from the voices in my head. I decided to let those awful voices speak their mind. I wanted to see their words in black and white, so I could confront them. The thing is, I didn't end up confronting them, and they have been festering.
  • What happened to you was next to nothing. It was wrong, but not really such a big deal as you make it out to be.
  • You have always been successful and happy. That wouldn't be true if something terrible happened to you.
  • You never said anything to anyone. It must not have been that bad if you were able to keep it a secret.
  • You knew no one would believe you because what you are saying happened isn't true at all.
  • If those things really happened, someone would have noticed.
  • You were ugly and small. No wonder people picked on you.
  • You always wanted attention and would do anything for it. Well, that's what you got, attention.
  • You put yourself into your circumstances. You got what you deserved.
  • You have no talent and nothing to offer.
  • You act nice because it's the only way people can stand to be around you.
  • You wanted men to touch you so you could feel important.
  • You let those girls touch you because you wanted to know what it would feel like.
  • You were always so immature.
  • You took on too much responsibility. You thought you were high and mighty. Others had to put you in your place in order to get a word in edgewise.
  • You hid yourself away. No one wants to be friends with someone who is so shy.
  • You were just plain weird. No wonder people kept their distance. They wouldn't have beat you up if you hadn't been so weird.
  • Your brain is slow and full of holes. You are wasting your time and everyone else's trying to be better than you are meant to be.
  • You enjoyed spending time with your step-father. No wonder he responded the way he did.
  • You just want other people to tell you you're worthwhile. You're begging for anyone's approval.
  • You act so strong, but in reality you're a weakling.
Challenging the voices:
 
What happened to me was horrible. What all of those abusers did to me, and the neglect I experienced from my parents, was intensely painful and damaging. I have scars: both physical and emotional. I have not exaggerated the history. If anything, I have held back.
 
I didn't want any of it. I just wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to matter, even if only a little bit. I did want attention. I needed it. I accepted the harms done to me if they meant receiving some modicum of approval and faux-caring. I took responsibility for all of it so I could continue to live my life. Somehow if it was my doing, my choice, my fault, I could go on every day and become better. I could be better than the choices from my past.
 
And, my goodness, I was so little. Not just young, but tiny. I barely existed at all. I didn't need much. There was such a little bit of me, I only needed a little bit of love.
 
Somehow, if I ran fast enough, I could run between the rain drops. But, they're not rain drops, they're tears. And, I have to let them touch me.



Beautiful. All of it.

 

I am really glad to see, "I did want attention. I needed it."

 

Right. And you deserved it because that is the nature of parent-child. You were born that way. It isn't a worthiness issue at all. That's the lie, their lie, that they make you think it is a worthiness issue. (i think i am talking to myself here....)

 

Let it rain. Succor for the desert.

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intrepidshe
May 28 2014 09:26 PM

Jiva, "Succor for the desert." Wow! Beautiful, beautiful words.

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verityclare
May 28 2014 10:54 PM
Really beautifully written. I relate to so much of this.
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outside_the_box
May 28 2014 11:32 PM

My dear friend, So beautifully written and about such a sad story, yet you offer hope to others through finding hope in others. You are worthy of love and attention just because you are, not because you've earned it. A lullaby for you tonight little one.

 

A memory is bolded

When a heavy price we pay

When a child is scolded

Their emotions held at bay

Their little hands are folded

To Mary they do pray

Parents try to mold it

But their heart is given way

Take my hand and hold it

Forever and a day

Your story to be told it

With wings to fly away

 

 

God speed your healing, and may rest come easy.

:hug:

Thank you.
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intrepidshe
May 29 2014 12:50 AM

Really beautifully written. I relate to so much of this.


Thank you. Thank you so much for your kind words. And thanks for your blog as well.
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intrepidshe
May 29 2014 12:53 AM

My dear friend, So beautifully written and about such a sad story, yet you offer hope to others through finding hope in others. You are worthy of love and attention just because you are, not because you've earned it. A lullaby for you tonight little one.
 
A memory is bolded
When a heavy price we pay
When a child is scolded
Their emotions held at bay
Their little hands are folded
To Mary they do pray
Parents try to mold it
But their heart is given way
Take my hand and hold it
Forever and a day
Your story to be told it
With wings to fly away
 
 
God speed your healing, and may rest come easy.


That really got to me. I cried. Easy, soft tears; if there is such a thing. They just sprung up. Not painful or sad. I guess they were tears of joy.
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intrepidshe
May 29 2014 12:54 AM

:hug:
Thank you.


Hugs to Mand, as many as you need for as long as you need.

In response to your number 3 in the top section - I will say this over and over again until it doesn't scare you anymore and then I will keep saying it just for good measure -  You are worthy. You are loved and you are worthy of that love, you are worthy of everything wonderful that is offered to you. 

 

Your number 4 is great! That's it exactly, it needs to be only now, not then against now. AF is an individual acting independently with no ties to the people who did bad things to you and hurt you in the past, she has proven to not be one of those bad people. Stay focused on what she as a person has done for you, not she as a doctor or as a co worker or as a friend or as a mother figure. She is a person who knows you (remember she has read your entire blog, she knows everything you have told her and everything you have written about here) who loves you, cares for you, wants to help you, and knows how to help you. Try to keep AF separate from your past hurts in your mind, separate from the people who taught you the lies about your needs being unreasonable and/or unimportant, she is nothing like those people, she sees through their lies and she is helping you to see through the lies too. 

 

So many of those bullet points sound like the voices that I'm afraid to face. I'm proud of you for challenging those voices in your head. Keep challenging them, they will get quieter and maybe even go away entirely.

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yarnfoolishness
May 29 2014 07:25 AM

Everyone said it better than I could.

 

Sitting with you as you work to turn down the volume on those old voices.   :cuppa:

I am with yarn. Nothing much to add but to say that you do such a wonderful job of putting yourself into your words. And thank you for sharing them.

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intrepidshe
May 29 2014 07:09 PM

Sugar, thank you so much! I really appreciate the support and advice. I do need to keep AF separate. She is in the now. She has shown me nothing but love and kindness. She has a heart of gold.

 

Yarn and Lolli, thank you to you as well for your support. It bolsters me to keep taking steps, to keep opening my heart and allowing vulnerability. I share things about which I feel deeply ashamed, and you consistently knock them away, helping me give the shame to the abusers.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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