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Day 167: My Bladder (Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Healing Work 26 May 2014 · 288 views

May 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 96 Days:
 
That's a strange title for this posting, but it's exactly what I'm going to write about. I spent this weekend with my friends in Portland. We all went to the same high school and have known each other for 25 years. Their DD was born about 18 months after my first DS, putting her between my two boys in age. My older son and their DD are fast friends. Always have been, despite years of living far away from one another. In fact, we moved away from Portland when my son was just three. Nonetheless, whenever we get together, they pick up right where they left off. They're more like siblings than friends. Boy, some days they are REALLY more like siblings than friends! Posted Image Posted Image
 
The three of us worked together for about eight years back in my super crazy days. I know I often refer to myself as having been pretty wild back then. I feel the need to demonstrate the point, in order to explain how well they know me and how much they have lived through with me. Here's a sample of some of the trouble I got into back then:
  • Lived in my car for several months.
  • Had sex with a man in a graveyard, another man in a navy ship during the Rose Festival, and another one at a marker overlooking the Columbia River Gorge. Two of these men were strangers to me, one of them I married briefly but divorced after a fit of violence.
  • Bought a pace car from the speedway and raced big muscle cars all over the hills around town.
  • Spun my car out on one of the interstate bridges in a fit of anger, stopping inches from one of the support beams (didn't get hit or even a scratch on my car). It was three in the morning and there was no other traffic, luckily!
  • Took boudoir portraits of a male friend in the middle of the night, when he came knocking on my window with a teddy bear and a camera.
My PFs (Portland Friends) were always supportive, no matter what trouble I got into or caused. They took me to the hospital one time when I passed out at work caused by an infection down there.
 
Sorry I'm taking so long to get to the point about my bladder.
 
I am closer to one of the two of them (L). Her husband is not healthy or in a good state. He hasn't been for a long time. I still care for him, but we're not close any more. Over the years I have gotten closer to L. Many times she has told me she loves me. Pretty much every time I talk to her.
 
She has also teased me countless times about my "teacup bladder." Her teasing was never hurtful. She has always been understanding of my need to use the restroom every 60 to 90 minutes. She was with me once, in fact, when I passed out from the pain I experience when I try to hold my bladder for too long.
 
I have always had a painful bladder, since I was very young. I just can't hold it for as long as other people. My parents used to punish me for this; and sometimes I would end up wetting my pants or having to go in a can or bucket in order to keep them from finding out. There was an incident when I was little when a girl my age molested me. I have had snippets of memory of that incident come back in recent months. I always remembered her putting Bobbie pins inside me, but I have gained more memory.
 
I remembered not long ago where she put at least one of them: in my urethra. I don't remember if there was any blood. And, I'm not sure if this hurt me. It's possible the damage behind my bladder problem could have been caused by this incident. It's also possible the rape that happened around that time caused the damage.
 
<<warning for details you might want to skip over>>
 
I learned during my second pregnancy the cause of the problem with my bladder is scar tissue that constricts my urethra (a urethral stricture). My urethra is pinched off, so my bladder can't empty itself. It has to build up to being overly full in order to have enough force to push past the stricture. As a result, it is always painful for me to urinate. It feels like something in there cramps whenever I'm about to start. There is a painful pause that often causes me to double over. It's not unusual for me to be nauseous and sweat from the pain it produces.
 
I guess on the pain scale, urinating is often a level seven.
 
I have had quite a few bladder infections from not going when I need to. There have been times it has felt like my bladder might tear. I don't think that's actually possible. But, there were times when my parents would force me to hold it while driving that I would experience pain that felt like my guts were being ripped open. We would be traveling in a camper. I would lay on the bed above the cab of the truck and think of stories and songs to try to make the pain stop.
 
<</end of graphic details>>
 
My friend L didn't know about the history behind my bladder problem. She just knew I needed to go and she has always been very patient with me about it. But, she has teased me. She even has a song she sings about it.
 
I promise, this didn't/doesn't hurt my feelings. Her teasing was innocent and she didn't know what had happened to me. I never told her about the camping trips, the Bobbie pins, or the rape by the baby sitter.
 
That is until this weekend. I decided to tell her I am able to feel the love she expresses toward me. I wanted her to know this is changing inside me. She knows I'm in a healing process, so I thought she would enjoy hearing this. I actually thought she'd laugh at me as if to say, "you silly girl, I'm so glad you can feel it now." But, she was very touched by it and hugged me fiercely.
 
She asked me what brought it on, what caused me to be able to feel. I told her about the work I've been doing specifically related to feeling my emotions and learning to grieve. I said there was more to my story than I had shared before. I had a question for her, in fact, related to the subject. We were heading out together so I waited to ask her until we were on the road. I asked her if she had ever known me to cry, emotionally. I thought maybe I had but didn't remember it. She said no, the only time she knew me to release tears was from pain. Then she mentioned seeing me pass out from bladder pain.
 
I said, "Well, actually, that's part of what I need to tell you about." I proceeded to tell her about the baby sitter, the girl with the Bobbie pins, and the other girl who molested me. I also told her about me asking my mom to make my step-father stop taking pictures of me. She asked me what the other girl who molested me did to me. I wasn't able to talk about that, however. I had reached my limit for describing things that had been done to me. So, she now knew about all of the abusers (I told her about the doctor the last time I saw her). Her reaction to this new information astonished and frightened me.
 
She screamed and cried. She put together the bladder pain she has witnessed and the cause of it. And then she yelled and cursed as she cried. She pounded on her steering wheel and we went careening across the freeway. Yep, we were still driving at this point. I didn't anticipate she would have a big reaction. She grabbed my hand and held on for dear life. It took quite a while for her to calm down. We pulled off the road and talked.
 
She just couldn't believe this pain she's witnessed all these years was part of the abuse. She then became raging angry at my parents. She has never liked them. She knew about the CSA. This new information, however, was shocking to her. I was a little scared because her reaction was so volatile. I wasn't afraid of being hurt. I was afraid of her being upset with me.
 
I apologized for dropping this news on her. I must have apologized ten times. She wrapped her arms around me and just about suffocated me, telling me there was no need to apologize. She insisted I hadn't done anything wrong. We sat in her car for a good while as she cried on my shoulder. I kept reassuring her it was OK. She kept telling me it wasn't.
 
After a while she said, "Of course you would say it's OK. That's what you always say."
 
I couldn't disagree. We talked more about my healing work and then decided to get back on the road. We went to a movie with our families. And, had a lot of fun.
 
After this incident I found myself being more affectionate with her. I had a need to soothe her. Also, I felt more comfortable with her touching me. I found myself sitting next to her and leaning against her as we watched TV last night. She put her arm around me and said she is so glad we are friends. She told me she thinks I'm amazing. It's hard to hear that. AF says that to me as well. It makes my throat constrict. I don't know why.



I agree. You are amazing.

my throat contracts when I am feeling strong emotion.  I think you are continuing your journey in feeling. 

I agree. You are amazing.

ah, intrepid. See what love and loyalty you inspire.

She expressed the emotion for you. The crying and anger that you couldn't express. Wow. Another good friend. I am so pleased for you. So happy. You will get there- you ARE getting there.

Your confusion at her reaction reads like little Intrepid. A child's confusion. Because you didn't have an adult to show you the correct way to feel your emotions. You might find you start to mirror these emotions your friends show you. It's what my T is trying to do for me :)

:hug:

And so your journey continues, and I am excited for you :)

It is horrible abuse, by a child and children, no less. I am sorry about your bladder, the constriction and its life-long effects. I loved your acting out list of days gone by, esp. the muscle car. But I know it was pain that caused it all. You have an amazing friend, too, who can show you what loving emotions look like, when someone who loves you hears of your pain, and more of what happened to you when you were so small.

 

If I could find your mother, (fantasy, maybe...) I would cause her immense and prolonged medically-related pain, down there, and I know how to do it, sadistically, too. And I wouldn't let her cry a tear or utter a sound as I gazed steadily into her eyes.

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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 08:52 PM

ah, intrepid. See what love and loyalty you inspire.

She expressed the emotion for you. The crying and anger that you couldn't express. Wow. Another good friend. I am so pleased for you. So happy. You will get there- you ARE getting there.

Your confusion at her reaction reads like little Intrepid. A child's confusion. Because you didn't have an adult to show you the correct way to feel your emotions. You might find you start to mirror these emotions your friends show you. It's what my T is trying to do for me smile.png

hug.gif

And so your journey continues, and I am excited for you smile.png

 

Thanks for the insight, Mand. I think you're right. I was confused but also felt very loved. I don't quite understand why I feel so sad at her saying I'm amazing. But, somehow it does make me feel sad.

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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 08:54 PM

It is horrible abuse, by a child and children, no less. I am sorry about your bladder, the constriction and its life-long effects. I loved your acting out list of days gone by, esp. the muscle car. But I know it was pain that caused it all. You have an amazing friend, too, who can show you what loving emotions look like, when someone who loves you hears of your pain, and more of what happened to you when you were so small.

 

If I could find your mother, (fantasy, maybe...) I would cause her immense and prolonged medically-related pain, down there, and I know how to do it, sadistically, too. And I wouldn't let her cry a tear or utter a sound as I gazed steadily into her eyes.

 

Jiva, boy do I understand that impulse. I have all sorts of thoughts about what I'd like to see happen to your mother!!

It is so touching that she felt such emotion about your history and pain. What a beautiful friendship! So happy that you have a friend like her, that kind of support can't be beat. 

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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 09:05 PM

It is so touching that she felt such emotion about your history and pain. What a beautiful friendship! So happy that you have a friend like her, that kind of support can't be beat. 

 

You're so right! I have discovered how very lucky I am because I have amazingly loyal and loving friends. I had to become vulnerable to make this discovery. I'm in a good bit of pain now, but their support and love helps me have faith I'll get through it.

The sadness is grief Intrepid. :hug: (in my humble opinion)
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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 09:17 PM

The sadness is grief Intrepid. hug.gif (in my humble opinion)

 

So, maybe I'm sad because I haven't had this kind of love and support before. I don't want to be sad about it. I want to be happy I have it now.

But it's ok to grieve for little Intrepids sake. In fact, I think it is good and necessary because by grieving for her, you are not blaming her for her powerlessness in the face of unspeakable brutality and cruelty. :hug:
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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 09:45 PM

But it's ok to grieve for little Intrepids sake. In fact, I think it is good and necessary because by grieving for her, you are not blaming her for her powerlessness in the face of unspeakable brutality and cruelty. hug.gif

 

Ah, yep. There's my mom again. I don't need to feel bad because I'm OK now. No need to express pain for anything that happened in the past when I turned out OK.

 

Little Intrepid needed to cry . . . needs to cry, to grieve, to be angry and hurt.

 

She CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY AGAIN!! I WON'T LET HER!

Good. Anger is good. Anger with your mum is excellent because it is hers. Once you have grieved, once you fully believe and understand that NOTHING that happened to you was YOUR fault, then you might find the tears fall for little and big intrepid. Helping you hold your sword arm in the meantime :hug:
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intrepidshe
May 26 2014 09:52 PM

Good. Anger is good. Anger with your mum is excellent because it is hers. Once you have grieved, once you fully believe and understand that NOTHING that happened to you was YOUR fault, then you might find the tears fall for little and big intrepid. Helping you hold your sword arm in the meantime hug.gif

 

Thanks Mand! I do need and appreciate the help.

Good :). Right- must get some more sleep. Busy day in work today. Take care and sleep well yourself my friend.

I am truly sorry that you have lived with horrible physical consequences of CSA your whole life. :(

On the positive side, this post is wonderful and heartwarming - the way you describe your friend's response.  It is precious and validating to have somebody feel such anger and sadness on your behalf, Intrepid.  You are reaching out and making wonderful progress, my friend :hug:

Sounds like she cares about you very much. I'm glad you felt safe enough to tell her and that it turned out to be a good idea. I'm glad you were able to feel and accept her love and caring touches, that is hugely amazing in so many ways. Now you know you have your T, AF, L, and us to support you through all this, to help you in your path through grief and healing. 

 

Maybe the reason that you are starting to feel these things now and starting to feel ready to express the emotions is because you are learning that it is now safe to feel, safe to express what you are feeling, safe to have all those feelings that weren't allowed before. I know I don't cry unless I'm either extremely distraught and can't control the tears or unless I feel safe enough to just let them fall.

 

You can be sad about before and still be happy about now, you don't have to chose one feeling or the other. It can be difficult to deal with and balance seemingly conflicting emotions but it isn't impossible 

 

Reading about your wild times gives me so much hope, personally I've kind of gone the other way, I don't even drive at all, I don't drink . . . there's so much that I don't do but some of my closest friends have had times very similar to those (sometimes with me along for the ride) and I see how much pain they are in, I worry so much about them but reading about your wild times and how things are for you now and all the work you've been doing lately, I don't have to worry so much because I know that when they are ready to my friends can learn to not be so reckless, to value their own lives more than they do, to accept love from the safe people who are willing to give it. I have hope that maybe they won't always be hurting as much as they are now and now I understand that maybe the best that I can do for them is to simply stick by them through all this. 

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intrepidshe
May 27 2014 07:33 PM

Sugar,

 

That's very helpful to me! It feels very intense to be experiencing touch and feeling loved. I'm pretty well bowled over by it.

 

I appreciate you saying I can feel both happy and sad at the same time. I sorta smacked my forehead reading that. Of course!

 

I'm glad reading about my wild years was helpful to you. I think it wouldn't be good for them to have stuck by me if I was hell bent on destruction. I am not quite sure I can explain how my destructiveness was different than say a drug addict or an alcoholic. I wasn't really a hazard to anyone else and, while I did harm myself many times, I wasn't all that harmful to myself either. What I'm getting at is somewhere there is a line where sticking with someone isn't helpful to them. But, in my case, it was very helpful to me.

 

I don't know if that makes any sense at all. I'm comparing my story with that of my younger siblings, one of whom is a homeless alcoholic. Our attempts to stick by him have been fruitless.

 

It sounds like your friends are more along the lines of my wildness. Sticking by them will make all the difference in the world.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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