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Day 164: So Much Pain, So Much Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 23 May 2014 · 146 views

May 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 93 Days:

I am on the road. Family is traveling to Portland for the holiday weekend. So, since I am on my phone, this will be brief (relatively speaking).

;-)

I didn't sleep last night. My guts turned over several times. I played my guitar and kept envisioning being held and comforted. I was at a loss as to why I felt so bad. My rational mind says I should have felt happy after feeling AF's love for me. And I did feel happy.

Happy doesn't fit the feeling. It is a very deep feeling of contentment. It is safety and a sense of mattering, a sense of being worth the space I occupy.

And yet I felt awful all night and all day. What is that?

Maybe it was two things: (1) grief that didn't get expressed but made it to the surface yesterday; (2) anger at all the things that happened to me and not feeling loved until now because of it.

Little Intrepid needed that love and we both need it so much now. The need is intensely painful. Max compared it with starvation and surviving a death camp. I understand now. I have never felt such pain as I did all day today.

So the grief is related to the anger. I couldn't cry last night. But I think each moment like this helps me accept that I need to cry. And it helps me understand what I will feel. It is like I am being made ready. The pain is greater than any I have experienced. I could not face this suddenly without preparation.

The grief will be difficult for me to feel and allow.

And, I believe that is what I have been feeling all day. Just a taste of the agony Little Intrepid carries.

I think AF feels she did something to cause me pain. It is so very much the opposite. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel safe and content. She didn't hurt me. She allowed me to feel the hurt inside me, the pain caused by my mom, my step-father, the other abusers, and the myriad others who betrayed and wounded me.

They are the ones who gave me the pain she helped me tap into. They created the wounds she is helping heal. They gave me scars. She gives me salve. They hated me. She loves me.

Unfortunately the only way past the grief is through it. And I am so very thankful she has chosen to come through this with me. Between y'all, my T, and AF, I will get through this. I have a sense of how painful it will be. And I can see I will need to take extra gentle care of myself.

She and I will be going on a retreat next weekend. I have wondered if I will be able to let the grief find its voice. I think probably I will because I have the safety of her love that allows me to feel the pain. She told me today she is not bothered by this. She feels her emotions very readily. She is highly empathic and her heart is open.

I am so very lucky to have found a place in her heart!



I hope you get to take some time to relax and enjoy your holiday weekend. You are right in that the only way to the other side is to go through it. But you are not alone with it anymore.

It makes sense to me that  your AF would feel she somehow did something to cause you hurt. She is somewhat the catalyst to you being able to touch your pain. What she did was love you and that is an awesome thing. But that is not the same as being the one to 'cause' the hurt and I hope she understands that. 

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outside_the_box
May 23 2014 10:18 PM
My dear friend, Your anguish is palpable. I wish there was another way through this journey. So much pain already and yet it isn't enough. My heart aches for you. I wish I could take the pain for you , if only for a little while; to spell you from its constant gnawing. I know I can't and I know this is your journey whose destination will be of your choosing. My love and hugs are yours for the holding when you need them. Be gentle with yourself. Remember you only wear the chainmail when your feelings are so raw. The true armor has been removed and your wounds are gaping. It is time for tenderness, patience and love. Love yourself...you deserve it! The healing has already begun.
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intrepidshe
May 23 2014 10:30 PM
Anguish . . . that is the word for what I am feeling. I feel much better tonight. The anguish is still there. But it is not so intense. The chain mail is functioning. I love that metaphor. I just need to get through this week. The chain mail will help me, without putting the full body armor back in place. I will feel the anguish still, but I'll be less overwhelmed.
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intrepidshe
May 23 2014 10:37 PM

I hope you get to take some time to relax and enjoy your holiday weekend. You are right in that the only way to the other side is to go through it. But you are not alone with it anymore.
It makes sense to me that  your AF would feel she somehow did something to cause you hurt. She is somewhat the catalyst to you being able to touch your pain. What she did was love you and that is an awesome thing. But that is not the same as being the one to 'cause' the hurt and I hope she understands that.


Lolli,

I like that word, "catalyst." It's a good description. Also, a new substance will be formed from this reaction catalyzed by love. I will have a functioning heart.
Love. So scary because it makes us vulnerable.

The anguish is your inner child finally receiving the unconditional love from a mother figure that she never had, but she so deserved. So your subconscious - in recognition of this precious gift - is making you feel fearful and vulnerable - yes - but also hopeful and joyful because you instinctively know that to heal, you have to open yourself up to receive this love and care from AF, and with that opening comes the release of your pain, your grief, your sorrow, your anger.

:hug:

Tgc

Mandy
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yarnfoolishness
May 24 2014 09:10 AM

:hug: if ok. 

 

Safe and gentle.

 

Anguish and grief, yes.  Healing.

 

With you.

 

:candle:

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intrepidshe
May 24 2014 11:50 AM

Love. So scary because it makes us vulnerable.

The anguish is your inner child finally receiving the unconditional love from a mother figure that she never had, but she so deserved. So your subconscious - in recognition of this precious gift - is making you feel fearful and vulnerable - yes - but also hopeful and joyful because you instinctively know that to heal, you have to open yourself up to receive this love and care from AF, and with that opening comes the release of your pain, your grief, your sorrow, your anger.

hug.gif

Tgc

Mandy

 

Thanks. It is indeed a precious gift. And it is difficult to accept because of the fear of history repeating itself. I have to stand up to that fear.

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intrepidshe
May 24 2014 11:50 AM

hug.gif if ok. 

 

Safe and gentle.

 

Anguish and grief, yes.  Healing.

 

With you.

 

candle.gif

 

Thanks Yarn.

I see much healthy healing insights in what you wrote.  You are on a good path right now.

 

Take good care of you

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intrepidshe
May 24 2014 07:30 PM
Thanks Bellachai. I really appreciate the encouragement.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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