Day 164: So Much Pain, So Much Love
I am on the road. Family is traveling to Portland for the holiday weekend. So, since I am on my phone, this will be brief (relatively speaking).
I didn't sleep last night. My guts turned over several times. I played my guitar and kept envisioning being held and comforted. I was at a loss as to why I felt so bad. My rational mind says I should have felt happy after feeling AF's love for me. And I did feel happy.
Happy doesn't fit the feeling. It is a very deep feeling of contentment. It is safety and a sense of mattering, a sense of being worth the space I occupy.
And yet I felt awful all night and all day. What is that?
Maybe it was two things: (1) grief that didn't get expressed but made it to the surface yesterday; (2) anger at all the things that happened to me and not feeling loved until now because of it.
Little Intrepid needed that love and we both need it so much now. The need is intensely painful. Max compared it with starvation and surviving a death camp. I understand now. I have never felt such pain as I did all day today.
So the grief is related to the anger. I couldn't cry last night. But I think each moment like this helps me accept that I need to cry. And it helps me understand what I will feel. It is like I am being made ready. The pain is greater than any I have experienced. I could not face this suddenly without preparation.
The grief will be difficult for me to feel and allow.
And, I believe that is what I have been feeling all day. Just a taste of the agony Little Intrepid carries.
I think AF feels she did something to cause me pain. It is so very much the opposite. She makes me feel loved. She makes me feel safe and content. She didn't hurt me. She allowed me to feel the hurt inside me, the pain caused by my mom, my step-father, the other abusers, and the myriad others who betrayed and wounded me.
They are the ones who gave me the pain she helped me tap into. They created the wounds she is helping heal. They gave me scars. She gives me salve. They hated me. She loves me.
Unfortunately the only way past the grief is through it. And I am so very thankful she has chosen to come through this with me. Between y'all, my T, and AF, I will get through this. I have a sense of how painful it will be. And I can see I will need to take extra gentle care of myself.
She and I will be going on a retreat next weekend. I have wondered if I will be able to let the grief find its voice. I think probably I will because I have the safety of her love that allows me to feel the pain. She told me today she is not bothered by this. She feels her emotions very readily. She is highly empathic and her heart is open.
I am so very lucky to have found a place in her heart!