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Day 150: Mother F-ing letter Part 4 - What I Want from You Now (Major Trigger Warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 May 2014 · 195 views

May 9, 2014 Intrepid Age = 79 Days:
 
Dear Pandy's friends, today I wrote the last section of the letter to my mom: "This is what I want from you now."
 
Before I share this last installment, I want to thank AngelFriend from the bottom of my heart for the time you spent with me yesterday. I spilled my guts for several hours; and you listened so lovingly. You shared your heart and your pain as well. Our conversation yesterday was an inflection point for me. By that I mean my perspective shifted fundamentally. I had been looking through a magnifying glass turned over the wrong way. You helped me turn it over the right way.
 
Perhaps a magnifying glass isn't quite the visual I want. This is better, I think: you helped me out from under the water. I have been in the water holding my breath all this time, all these years. I brought my head above water with you and it was a sunny, warm day. I felt cherished; and I felt I matter to you. At times, as you expressed your feelings toward me I felt pain, the pain of being rescued from near death. Max  (MacGyver) wrote a metaphor for this that is very powerful to me:
 

Because of the hunger for love it is like offering a feast to a near-skeleton fresh from a concentration camp. Don't make me smell food. Take it away, please. I've lived without even the thought of food and have been slowly wasting away, but surviving. Please don't make me smell food. My body could not take the disappointment, of getting geared up to eat and then finding nothing. The shock of that broken promise would be the end of me.

 
I hope the meaning is clear. For a moment (well, or a few moments) it was painful to hear you tell me how you feel about me. But, then the words sunk in and I heard my own feelings break through my armor in response.
 
I have you in my heart, AngelFriend.
 
 
Trigger Warning:
 
 

Mom,
 
Writing this letter has been more exhausting and painful to me than I'm sure it has been for you to read, or it would have been for you to read if you had. Nonetheless, my main thesis is still true. What matters is my need to speak my truth. Your feelings and preferences matter not one iota, which is every bit as much as I mattered to you when I was child.
 
My initial reaction to this section of the letter, "What I want from you now," is: FUCKING NOTHING. GO DIE IN A HOLE YOU BITCH!
 
I can't imagine wanting anything from you. When I was a child I wanted your nurturing and affection. I wanted your attention. I wanted your approval. I wanted your time. I wanted you to be proud of me. Well, not any more. The idea of you touching me or talking with me about my needs, my feelings, my pain is utterly disgusting to me. It's like laying at the bottom of a dumpster licking the fetid surface.
 
There are people in my life who love me, who genuinely love me, with tenderness, affection, kindness, and compassion. They have time for me and even want to spend time with me. Can you imagine that?! I'll bet you can't think of any reason anyone would want to sit with me, listen to me, hold my hand, give me a hug, and tell me they love me! I'll bet it seems weak and pitiful to you that I would want that and allow it. You know what? Not only do I want that, I need it and it feels really good! You don't know this, but love is an incredible, wonderful, glorious thing to receive. And, although you cannot love me, other people can. And it makes me profoundly, indescribably happy. I am feeling this for the first time in my life and you can't take it away from me by shaming me.
 
So, what do I want from you? I can only answer by imagining the most hypothetical of circumstances: as if I would accept anything from you at all (which I won't), as if you would consider for a millisecond providing anything I want, and as if we would ever reach the point a conversation of any substance could ever happen between us. None of these things are possible on the planet Earth. Not on our solar system, not in this galaxy, and not in this time line. I will have to imagine another universe, a parallel dimension in which you give a fuck; and I am willing to share the slightest bit of myself with you.
 
The only thing I can imagine in these hypothetical circumstances I might really, honestly want, is a genuine and complete apology. I know you don't know what that involves, so I'm going to tell you:
  • Start by stating you are sorry and what you are sorry for (this must include your accountability). This will be a fucking LONG list. And, when you state the things you did wrong, you are not allowed to give excuses or place blame on anyone else! Here are a few examples to get you started:
    • I'm so very sorry, Intrepid, for letting your step-father sexually abuse you.
    • I'm sorry for giving you to him.
    • I'm sorry for letting him take pictures of you.
    • I'm sorry I didn't hold you as a baby.
    • I'm sorry I put you in the box and left you to cry for hours on end.
    • I'm sorry I force fed you foods you are allergic to.
    • I'm sorry I allowed your step-father to beat your siblings.
    • I'm sorry I blamed you for my alcoholism.
    • I'm sorry I shamed, mocked, and treated you with contempt all of your life.
    • I'm sorry I didn't love you.
    • [fill in the blank] you'll need at least 90 more lines, many 990 more lines to get through everything for which you owe me an apology.
  • State the harm done to me by the things for which you are apologizing.
    • I know this caused you to lose your ability to feel your emotions.
    • I know what I did made it so you are unable to allow people to touch you in a safe, nurturing way.
    • etc., etc.
  • State you will never do such things again, or allow such things to happen again.
    • I know I can't take back the things I did, or undo the harm it has done to you, but I promise you I will do better. I won't do anything like that ever again.
  • Offer to make amends
    • I want to make amends for what I did and did not do. I don't know quite how to do that because everything was so harmful to you. Here are a few ideas I have. Of course, it is up to you if you want to accept anything from me. Whatever I provide to you has no price tag. It is owed to you.
    • I will admit all of this to your brothers and the rest of the family and tell them you have been telling the truth.
    • I will spend every day for the rest of my life apologizing and not expecting your forgiveness.
    • I will pay your student loans from college.
    • I will pay for your counseling bills, from the past and the present.
    • I will pay for the healthcare you have received, or will receive in the future, as a result of neglect and avoidance of doctors.
Mom, I can't think of anything else I want from you. I don't want you to touch me. I don't want you to call me or talk to me. I don't want your fucking fake compassion. And most of all I don't want you to tell me you feel guilty! Guilty as a fucking excuse! I don't care if you feel guilty. You should damn-well feel guilty for the rest of your life. You should be racked with guilt to the point you wear a hair shirt and engage in self-flagellation. That would be a very fitting fucking punishment for you with your Catholic piety!
 
I am no longer your cross to bear. And I refuse to bear the cross of your abuse and neglect any longer. I have risen into a world in which I am loved.
 
So, I guess when I think about reality, and not hypotheticals, there is only one thing I truly do want from you.
 
I want you to fuck off!



"FUCK OFF, BITCH!!!!"

 

Damn right!!!

 

A+ Intrepid.

 

I am so happy for you, that AngelFriend is truly a friend. You so deserve to be loved, and to know it.

 

Go in peace, to love and live your true life.

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intrepidshe
May 09 2014 09:35 PM

"FUCK OFF, BITCH!!!!"

 

Damn right!!!

 

A+ Intrepid.

 

I am so happy for you, that AngelFriend is truly a friend. You so deserve to be loved, and to know it.

 

Go in peace, to love and live your true life.

 

Thanks Jiva! You are truly a friend too!

Can't read still but I do LOVE Jiva's comment!  I also couldn't miss the boldface text.  GO YOU!!!!!!

 

/grabs pompoms and does a cheer

 

Keeping you in my thoughts. 

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intrepidshe
May 09 2014 10:08 PM

Can't read still but I do LOVE Jiva's comment!  I also couldn't miss the boldface text.  GO YOU!!!!!!

 

/grabs pompoms and does a cheer

 

Keeping you in my thoughts. 

 

Thank you Nebulas! It has made such a difference for me to have your support.

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outside_the_box
May 09 2014 10:43 PM

I'm on the cheer squad too, rooting you on.  Go Intrepid!! Go!! 

 

You've got this bull by the horns and you're taking it down. 

 

I'm so proud of you!!

 

Wow! Just Wow! 

 

I wish you felt strong enough to send this letter, actually I wish you felt strong enough to say this to her face and not let her interrupt or critique or excuse herself.  I wish she had to hear it, because of all the pain she caused you, she needs to feel your pain and sorrow and disgust and shame.  She needs to feel guilty and sorry and shame.  F*@& OFF mom!!  And yes, believe it or not mom, she has friends who care about and love her, really and truly love her.  So  no matter what you say or think or do, they are going to love her anyway.  She wins and you lose mom!!  She wins!!!

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intrepidshe
May 09 2014 10:45 PM

I'm on the cheer squad too, rooting you on.  Go Intrepid!! Go!! 

 

You've got this bull by the horns and you're taking it down. 

 

I'm so proud of you!!

 

Wow! Just Wow! 

 

I wish you felt strong enough to send this letter, actually I wish you felt strong enough to say this to her face and not let her interrupt or critique or excuse herself.  I wish she had to hear it, because of all the pain she caused you, she needs to feel your pain and sorrow and disgust and shame.  She needs to feel guilty and sorry and shame.  F*@& OFF mom!!  And yes, believe it or not mom, she has friends who care about and love her, really and truly love her.  So  no matter what you say or think or do, they are going to love her anyway.  She wins and you lose mom!!  She wins!!!

 

Wow, Outside! That really made me smile. It is very hard to imagine sending this to her or reading it to her. But, if I allow myself to imagine it, perhaps one day I'll be able to do it.

hi intrepid. feeling is healing. I can't yet. well done you.

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intrepidshe
May 09 2014 11:54 PM

hi intrepid. feeling is healing. I can't yet. well done you.

 

Thanks Max. If you remember where you made that comment about the Death Camp survivors, would you mind letting me know? That was very powerful for me.

Yay, Intrepid!  This is strong, positive stuff! smile.png

I laughed at your last line. It might seem inappropriate (that I laughed - not what you put :)), but it is so wonderfully honest. I also laughed at the line in bold at the start for the same reason. Way to go Intrepid. This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing it. Have you read any of these out loud to your T yet? (I likened my experience last week to having a mental 'crap'! My head feels so much roomier!!!)

:hug: I know how tiring writing this letter must have been. And don't be surprised if you need to write them again and again. Or you may not! Everyone is different after all. But I just read these and think "Yes!" You are putting the blame with the person who should own it. Your incubator.

Yay you :)

hi intrepid, it's under your day 139

:hug:
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intrepidshe
May 10 2014 09:37 PM

I laughed at your last line. It might seem inappropriate (that I laughed - not what you put smile.png), but it is so wonderfully honest. I also laughed at the line in bold at the start for the same reason. Way to go Intrepid. This is brilliant! Thank you for sharing it. Have you read any of these out loud to your T yet? (I likened my experience last week to having a mental 'crap'! My head feels so much roomier!!!)

hug.gif I know how tiring writing this letter must have been. And don't be surprised if you need to write them again and again. Or you may not! Everyone is different after all. But I just read these and think "Yes!" You are putting the blame with the person who should own it. Your incubator.

Yay you smile.png

 

Mand,

 

Thanks for telling me you laughed as well. I wasn't sure how I felt about the fact that I laughed really hard when I saw the words form on the screen. I don't really know quite what's funny about it. But, it is funny.

 

And, I think an apt ending for the letter. I also laughed at the earlier statement. But, the last one made me really bust a gut.

 

I can see how I will need to write the letter more than once. I recognized as I was writing I was only touching on some of the issues. Also, as I wrote I had memories emerge. I might continue to have memories emerge, and have more to write about as a result. Not to mention the things I didn't write about because I was just running out of steam.

 

I think I still have a lot to get through with my mom. But, I feel really good about having taken this on. It surprised me over and over, the intensity of my reactions. The ferocity of my anger.

 

Now if only I can follow your lead and let the emotions reach the surface.

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intrepidshe
May 10 2014 09:37 PM

hi intrepid, it's under your day 139

 

Thanks so much Max!

 

I edited this entry to include your quote. It reads much better now!

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intrepidshe
May 10 2014 09:38 PM

Yay, Intrepid!  This is strong, positive stuff! smile.png

 

hug.gif

 

Thank you Allegro and Susanna for your compassion and support. It helps so much more than I can find the words to say.

"Now if only I can follow your lead and let the emotions reach the surface."

When the time is right, you will. I understand the frustration when you intellectually know what emotions should be expressed, but they just aren't there. It's a real tsunami when they hit! I've managed to cry. It's gone again now. Still waiting for the disgust/revulsion at HIM. Know I can't force it and also know I will feel it when I am ready. And you will feel what you need to feel when you are ready. We are all so very different. We all heal differently. I have just ordered a book (a link was posted on here somewhere) "Counselling for Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse". You could read a few pages on google books for free. And in it, it stipulates that although there are similarities in survivors healing journeys, each one will be unique. No two will be the same.

When I started reading your blog, and I look at where you are now, you have also travelled so far. I have often thought of you as a shadow beside me on this journey. Your hard work and honesty on here has been massively supportive and encouraging for me.

So I walk as a shadow beside you too. We may stop and sit on a bench to rest. We may take a detour. We might have to turn back to revisit something. But that's ok. We will do it :) and we do it together.

Take gentle care

Mand :hug:
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intrepidshe
May 10 2014 11:54 PM

Mand,

 

The feeling is mutual.  

 

hug.gif

 

I have so often said to others their path is their own. There is no rule book. Thanks for encouraging me to be patient. You give me hope.

Dear friend, there is always hope :)

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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