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Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 172 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
 
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).
 
Jiva's words are helping me cope and process what I'm feeling tonight:
 

"Maybe the fear is the last reminder of all you have been through in the process of getting here."

 
Mac's dream interpretation is also helping (I have more to write about that, but I am saving it for another night when I can do it justice.) It has been an amazing process of healing to reach this precipice. I think I am about to try out my wings for the first time. I am visualizing being a little bird on the edge of the nest jumping inward toward the middle of the nest. This is the kind of first attempt I am making . . . not jumping from a cliff over a canyon filled with predators. I am taking a small, tentative hop into the middle of a safe, comfortable, soft landing where Little Intrepid is nurtured, cherished, and warm.
 
Meanwhile, I'm thinking about the reason Little Intrepid is feeling so anxious tonight:
 
because I am afraid to be held.
 
I am thinking these words and feeling intense anger that these are my words, my truth, my reality . . . my entire lifetime defined in seven syllables!
 

I am afraid to be held.
 
 
I am afraid to be held.
 
 
I am afraid to be held.
 
 
I am f***-ing afraid to be held!
 
I feel angry right now thinking about why I am so afraid. I am thinking about how my children didn't have any experiences that would cause them to feel this way because I could NEVER to do them, or allow done to them, anything even remotely like what I lived through. I can't imagine how it's possible any parent can do the things that were done to me (or any of us!). I can't accept the justifications they come up with, the excuses, the obfuscations, the blatant self-serving damnable lies
 
I am afraid to be held, because I was left as an infant in a crib, or a drawer, or a box, whatever was convenient, to lay for hours at a time. For months I must have cried and cried until I finally gave up. My mom complains to this day how I wouldn't give her a break. She couldn't sleep between my incessant crying at night and my brothers' high energy during the day. My father was out at sea and rarely home. When he was home it was awful; there was fighting and abuse between them. My mom smoked like a chimney, dooming my lungs to a lifetime of limited capacity and allergies, for which she later shamed me!
 
And, when touch did happen, it was vile; it was horrific; it was humiliating; it was scarring. Touch = pain.
 
 
I am afraid to be held. Posted Image
 
No! I refuse to continue withholding from Little Intrepid what she needs. I refuse to let my fear allow her to suffer any longer. I would not allow my children to suffer. I would not allow this to happen to them. Well, Little Intrepid is my child too! She needs to be loved, cherished, nurtured. She needs to be held. She needs to cry. She needs to not feel afraid or ashamed.
 
Little one, I am sorry I didn't take care of you and allow you to be held. It wasn't my fault what happened, but I am able to take care of you now. You and I are both scared, I know. But, it's not a vampire. It's not a captain who doesn't understand our needs. It's a mamma. She cares about us. In fact, did you notice what she said yesterday? "Know you are loved." Those were her words as we parted. She loves us. She is our friend. We can trust her. 
 
Hold on little one. I'm going to protect you and make sure you get what you need. You don't have to run any more. But, I also want you to know, it's OK if you do want to run and hide. I understand. I will never make you do anything you are not comfortable with. Your needs come first. OK?
 
Your needs come first.



Well, Little Intrepid is my child too!

 

This is the beginning.

The fear, (I hear myself saying this to myself also) is understandable, therefore reasonable looking backwards, and correctable looking forward.

 

May tomorrow truly be the gift you have been working to give yourself, with the help of your friend (s).

 

We all wish you a wonderful experience. One of many to come in your healing.

 

J

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intrepidshe
Apr 30 2014 10:06 PM

The fear, (I hear myself saying this to myself also) is understandable, therefore reasonable looking backwards, and correctable looking forward.

 

May tomorrow truly be the gift you have been working to give yourself, with the help of your friend (s).

 

We all wish you a wonderful experience. One of many to come in your healing.

 

J

 

 

Well, Little Intrepid is my child too!

 

This is the beginning.

 

Thank you to both of you! I'm feeling emboldened.

you are so strong for taking on those things which you are afraid of.    I know it's hard.  But it sounds like this is something you and little intrepid both need.  Keep taking those little steps. 

:hug:
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yarnfoolishness
May 01 2014 02:57 PM

Yes she is!  She and you deserve to be held.  You both deserve to experience and know safe nurturing touch.  It is a basic human need, and it should have been provided to you.

 

It is through your courage that you have this opportunity to start healing this ancient wound.

 

I'm incredibly grateful that your DDF has come into your life.

 

:hug: (safe and nurturing)

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

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