Day 136: Integrating Intrepid
I decided to alter my countdown to move closer, to embrace, to bring within. I began my healing process with an aspiration of taking an intrepid journey. I did not have a map. I didn't even know where the starting point was located. I had no idea of the destination, the form of travel, the resources needed, the time required, or if anyone would accompany me.
It was some pretty bad planning.
I realized about a week after my first successful doctor appointment, I had found the path and tread my first fledgling step. I took possession of the date (19, Feb., 2014) as Intrepid's birth day. After a twenty-some year gestation (meaning the years from when I finished my first round of T until Feb. 19 this year), Intrepid was born; and she was born walking. She was also born with wings (I discovered recently.)
Back on Intrepid's day 2 I felt very wobbly and unsure, and distant:
I feel ungrounded and at loose ends. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm losing part of me. I see a different me in the fog. I can see her shadow. I can just catch glimpses of her. I am afraid. I should feel excited. But, the me who is always ashamed, the me who feels unworthy and constantly restless, the me I know, the me whose skin in which I have lived for 47 years, might not exist some day soon. I know cognitively this is a good thing. But I don't know how to be that other me, what it will feel like, or how to live in her skin. Even though the current me is hurtful to me, it is familiar.
I realized today I still have not embraced Intrepid. I have held her to the side, observing, evaluating, distrusting her.
Susanna said something to me today that opened my eyes to the realization that Intrepid has been kept at arm's length (I highlighted in blue the parts that brought me into focus):
Isn't it strange that you were considering the option that there would be nothing wrong and the shame that might accompany that? Instead she was actually surprised you were keeping going...
She said, "Looking at your labs, I can't believe you're even walking around. You have really accommodated this problem."
I hope this allows you to have more trust in yourself, that if Intrepid thinks there is something wrong, then there is something wrong. And if the tests had come back normal then you would just have had to look somewhere else.
I'm impressed with the way you handled the issue at work. Again it shows that 'Intrepid is trustworthy'.
So thrilled for you!
In a sense, I have let Intrepid lay in her crib and I haven't been holding her. That's more harsh a metaphor than really fits, but the point is Intrepid was not quite me. Or rather, I was not quite she. I was not worthy to be Intrepid, only worthy to be next to her.
I have some work to do. I need to integrate her with me. I need to integrate Little Intrepid as well as Big Intrepid.
I am integrating them. That's what I realized today. I am already integrating them.
This idea makes my heart race. What will it mean to be Intrepid, instead of being beside her? I'm a little afraid, and a little excited. I believe this integration began 65 days ago. Hence, I am now counting Intrepid's age. We are 65 days old today.