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Day 134: T and ObGyn Tomorrow **TW** and Mom Stuff (very triggery)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 23 April 2014 · 611 views

Apr. 23, 2014 Countdown: 18 hours to ObGyn Appointment (63 Days Into Becoming):
 
I didn't think I would go to work today when I posted last night, but I was well enough today. Last night I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach. But, I had lots of comforting support here in Pandy's and I even reached out by phone to my doctor friend. As the evening progressed I was feeling worse and worse and I ended up SI-ing (nothing severe). I knew I needed to talk and feel the sense of someone hearing me. Plus, I had a work-related reason to call. However, I was clear when I called that I was reaching out for help because of the pain I was in.
 
Thanks to Pandy's I had lots of support and comfort through this last night! 
 
Furthermore, once again my doctor friend amazed me. I told her what happened. And, when I started to tell her I let someone else treat me, my number one concern was that she'd feel betrayed. I was quick to explain I did not seek this treatment and tried to get out of it. She stopped me right there telling me not to worry about her feeling betrayed. "What happened? Are you OK?" She asked.
 
I told her what the other doctor did and how I wasn't able to say, "no," effectively. She was very understanding about this. She said, "We need to help you find a way to say no that feels safe for you."
 
I was struck by the word, "we."
 
She advised ice and stretching and said it was OK for me to take a hot shower to help my emotional state as long as I did the ice and stretching after. Her number one concern was for my emotional state. She recognized the greater pain was the anxiety. She is really in tune with me.
 
After I followed her recommendations, I started to feel less panicky. I was in a lot of pain, but at least not freaking out as much. She called me again later (just before bed time) and we visited about our work question. She also asked how I was doing. We took care of our work business and I told her how much it had helped me to hear her voice, to hear understanding and compassion. She said she was glad she could help and told me to go to bed.
 
I did.
 
Now, regarding tomorrow . . . it's a big day. I will get my lab results. I have a plan I will review with my T. I let my co-workers in my office know I might not be operating at full capacity tomorrow. (It helps that they know now.) One of them is ready to cover for me with my responsibilities if I can't go to work or stay at work. This is a very big difference from when I had the ObGyn exam.
 
I will lean into y'all here, hearing your encouraging words, reminding me I get to set the pace and the boundaries.
 
Right now, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. But, I feel ready for it, as ready as I can be, and I have the resources I need to get through it.
 
 
 
This last section is something I wrote offline earlier this week I need to share with my T. This blog is how I share thing with her. I am working through some exercises related to having a mother who couldn't love. This is pretty raw stuff and could be even more triggering. So, it's going behind a spoiler.
 
Spoiler




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yarnfoolishness
Apr 23 2014 11:03 PM

In your pocket for tomorrow if you like. 

 

I readjust you wrote about your mom. I feel good about it to.  I heard you starting your truth strongly. 

 

I wish there was an emoticon for a pat on the back. This will have to do...  :hi5:

Firstly - yay! Well done for reaching out to your doctor friend. What an amazing piece of self care! She sounds like a very special, compassionate woman who obviously cares very deeply for you.

Secondly, thank you for the warning about the mum stuff. I ummed and ahhed before reading. I knew I would probably find it triggerery. A lot of what you put resonated greatly with me. My mum is more subtle than yours. Her messages are so well hidden and gently given. My DH has said that in all the years he has known me, one of the things that he has struggled with most is how my mum has been able to control me. Effectively, it's been like a subtle form if brain washing. I'll give you an example.

All my life I had believed that dogs were dirty, disgusting, terrifying, viscous animals. I was petrified of them. I had never been bitten by a dog. I have never seen a dog be viscous. But I couldn't stand them. My MIL had a rescue dog. My DH always had dogs. He got frustrated with me and my attitude to dogs. When my MIL broke her back, he brought her dog home for us to look after. The fear, anxiety, distress this caused me was immense. However, over the 18months we had him, I grew to love him, and it broke my heart when he left. My mum refused to visit if he was in the house. We had to pay to put him in kennels. Last weekend, I said that DH and I would like to get a dog. She then says she will never visit unless he isn't there, and trots out all the usual spiel. The penny finally dropped. I was not allowed to make up my own mind about something - I had to comply to her beliefs. My DH looked at me with his eyebrows raised and nodded at me - "This is where your attitude to dogs came from Mand" he said afterwards. I actually looked at her and said "why did you brainwash me as a child to hate dogs do much?" Ooooo- she got very defensive. Because my rose tinted spectacles were removed and I can see much clearer now how this wasn't the only area she manipulated me in.

I love my mum. I forgive and accept her for who she is. But she is no longer allowed to control and manipulate me.

Sorry, I've made this about me again. Back to you. Yay for putting the blame firmly back with the person with whom your negative emotions truly belong to. You mum.

((((Safe hugs))))
:hug:

So many cool things in this blog post!!!  Let me disclose however that I did not read much of the spoiler part (Thank you for the warning there btw).  I opened it and read the first two parts quickly.  Very intense emotions and really standing up for yourself and little intrepid.   That was kick ass and made me want to wave a little flag with your name on it and do some cheers.  Super Hero Intrepid!! :-)

 

Way to go doctor friend.  She sounds awesome. My favorite part was when you decided that you needed, deserved, and were willing to accept support from her.  Then you took action.  Again, how powerful!   Particularly when it is put up against the stark contrast of SI.  Perhaps this is a person you can reach out to before the mood gets that dark?   I personally have a hard time telling it is going in that direction.... but perhaps if you can see it a chat with doctor friend (she needs a nickname...Dr. F for now?) might help?   Clearly I a not the expert on SI avoidance... LOL... but I'll throw the idea out there anyways. 

 

You did a great deal of prep work to help reduce the stress of today in terms of work commitments.   Once again "Go Intrepid!" :-)

 

/waves flag & crowd goes wild

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intrepidshe
Apr 24 2014 07:44 PM

In your pocket for tomorrow if you like. 

 

I readjust you wrote about your mom. I feel good about it to.  I heard you starting your truth strongly. 

 

I wish there was an emoticon for a pat on the back. This will have to do...  hi5.gif

 

Thank you Yarn. The pocket ride and the pat on the bad very much appreciated!

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intrepidshe
Apr 24 2014 07:49 PM

Firstly - yay! Well done for reaching out to your doctor friend. What an amazing piece of self care! She sounds like a very special, compassionate woman who obviously cares very deeply for you.

Secondly, thank you for the warning about the mum stuff. I ummed and ahhed before reading. I knew I would probably find it triggerery. A lot of what you put resonated greatly with me. My mum is more subtle than yours. Her messages are so well hidden and gently given. My DH has said that in all the years he has known me, one of the things that he has struggled with most is how my mum has been able to control me. Effectively, it's been like a subtle form if brain washing. I'll give you an example.

All my life I had believed that dogs were dirty, disgusting, terrifying, viscous animals. I was petrified of them. I had never been bitten by a dog. I have never seen a dog be viscous. But I couldn't stand them. My MIL had a rescue dog. My DH always had dogs. He got frustrated with me and my attitude to dogs. When my MIL broke her back, he brought her dog home for us to look after. The fear, anxiety, distress this caused me was immense. However, over the 18months we had him, I grew to love him, and it broke my heart when he left. My mum refused to visit if he was in the house. We had to pay to put him in kennels. Last weekend, I said that DH and I would like to get a dog. She then says she will never visit unless he isn't there, and trots out all the usual spiel. The penny finally dropped. I was not allowed to make up my own mind about something - I had to comply to her beliefs. My DH looked at me with his eyebrows raised and nodded at me - "This is where your attitude to dogs came from Mand" he said afterwards. I actually looked at her and said "why did you brainwash me as a child to hate dogs do much?" Ooooo- she got very defensive. Because my rose tinted spectacles were removed and I can see much clearer now how this wasn't the only area she manipulated me in.

I love my mum. I forgive and accept her for who she is. But she is no longer allowed to control and manipulate me.

Sorry, I've made this about me again. Back to you. Yay for putting the blame firmly back with the person with whom your negative emotions truly belong to. You mum.

((((Safe hugs))))

 

It's really, truly amazing the way our mom's get us under their control. I am thinking a lot now about this with my kids. I am very different with them, but still. It's sobering to think about.

 

It sounds like you're in a good place regarding her influence in your life. You recognize, "she manipulated me." My mom too. And mostly very subtle. I have another exercise I'm struggling with because it's about listing what she did. It's really hard to pin down because it was mostly subtle, like your mom.

 

But, I'll get there. You will as well. I'm glad you shared this because it affirms the subtle, manipulative approach still produces harm and it's very difficult to unearth, to claim, to hand back, and to heal.

 

Thank you Mand!

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intrepidshe
Apr 24 2014 07:50 PM

hug.gif

 

Thanks for the hugs. Hugs back. (I ran out of likes for today.)

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intrepidshe
Apr 24 2014 07:53 PM

So many cool things in this blog post!!!  Let me disclose however that I did not read much of the spoiler part (Thank you for the warning there btw).  I opened it and read the first two parts quickly.  Very intense emotions and really standing up for yourself and little intrepid.   That was kick ass and made me want to wave a little flag with your name on it and do some cheers.  Super Hero Intrepid!! :-)

 

Way to go doctor friend.  She sounds awesome. My favorite part was when you decided that you needed, deserved, and were willing to accept support from her.  Then you took action.  Again, how powerful!   Particularly when it is put up against the stark contrast of SI.  Perhaps this is a person you can reach out to before the mood gets that dark?   I personally have a hard time telling it is going in that direction.... but perhaps if you can see it a chat with doctor friend (she needs a nickname...Dr. F for now?) might help?   Clearly I a not the expert on SI avoidance... LOL... but I'll throw the idea out there anyways. 

 

You did a great deal of prep work to help reduce the stress of today in terms of work commitments.   Once again "Go Intrepid!" :-)

 

/waves flag & crowd goes wild

 

 

I love you saying what you read in the mom part was, "kick ass." That feels really good!

 

I do need to come up with a name for her. Maybe she's just my friend. She definitely could be DF, and it could be for Dear Friend. I really like that.

 

Thanks for the flag waves and the crowd applause. I feel very much like I just passed a major finish line today. I'll explain in my blog post. It went really well and I feel empowered and hopeful!

 

Thank you Nebulas for your enthusiastic support!

you speak for many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many

- and many many many etc can see their own situations more clearly in the lightning flash of this understanding - at once innocent and experienced, gentle to self and full of fury against evil, evil evil;, evil, evil, evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil .

I am not putting this label on your mum, but on the behavior. Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight to stay separate from this, for this not to be about who you are, but who she is. To believe and to know to believe and to know to believe and to know, that a child deserves love from a parent, that a child is a treasure from heaven entrusted for a few years to guardians on earth, and if they should fail to put that child's needs above their own, they WILL be held accountable, one day.

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intrepidshe
Apr 26 2014 02:12 PM

you speak for many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many
- and many many many etc can see their own situations more clearly in the lightning flash of this understanding - at once innocent and experienced, gentle to self and full of fury against evil, evil evil;, evil, evil, evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil .
I am not putting this label on your mum, but on the behavior. Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight to stay separate from this, for this not to be about who you are, but who she is. To believe and to know to believe and to know to believe and to know, that a child deserves love from a parent, that a child is a treasure from heaven entrusted for a few years to guardians on earth, and if they should fail to put that child's needs above their own, they WILL be held accountable, one day.


Mac,

I felt such intense inspiration reading this. I want say, "hell yeah!" That felt really good to read!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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