Day 134: T and ObGyn Tomorrow **TW** and Mom Stuff (very triggery)
I didn't think I would go to work today when I posted last night, but I was well enough today. Last night I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach. But, I had lots of comforting support here in Pandy's and I even reached out by phone to my doctor friend. As the evening progressed I was feeling worse and worse and I ended up SI-ing (nothing severe). I knew I needed to talk and feel the sense of someone hearing me. Plus, I had a work-related reason to call. However, I was clear when I called that I was reaching out for help because of the pain I was in.
Thanks to Pandy's I had lots of support and comfort through this last night!
Furthermore, once again my doctor friend amazed me. I told her what happened. And, when I started to tell her I let someone else treat me, my number one concern was that she'd feel betrayed. I was quick to explain I did not seek this treatment and tried to get out of it. She stopped me right there telling me not to worry about her feeling betrayed. "What happened? Are you OK?" She asked.
I told her what the other doctor did and how I wasn't able to say, "no," effectively. She was very understanding about this. She said, "We need to help you find a way to say no that feels safe for you."
I was struck by the word, "we."
She advised ice and stretching and said it was OK for me to take a hot shower to help my emotional state as long as I did the ice and stretching after. Her number one concern was for my emotional state. She recognized the greater pain was the anxiety. She is really in tune with me.
After I followed her recommendations, I started to feel less panicky. I was in a lot of pain, but at least not freaking out as much. She called me again later (just before bed time) and we visited about our work question. She also asked how I was doing. We took care of our work business and I told her how much it had helped me to hear her voice, to hear understanding and compassion. She said she was glad she could help and told me to go to bed.
Now, regarding tomorrow . . . it's a big day. I will get my lab results. I have a plan I will review with my T. I let my co-workers in my office know I might not be operating at full capacity tomorrow. (It helps that they know now.) One of them is ready to cover for me with my responsibilities if I can't go to work or stay at work. This is a very big difference from when I had the ObGyn exam.
I will lean into y'all here, hearing your encouraging words, reminding me I get to set the pace and the boundaries.
Right now, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. But, I feel ready for it, as ready as I can be, and I have the resources I need to get through it.
This last section is something I wrote offline earlier this week I need to share with my T. This blog is how I share thing with her. I am working through some exercises related to having a mother who couldn't love. This is pretty raw stuff and could be even more triggering. So, it's going behind a spoiler.