Day 126: Agony from Unshed Tears, Hope from Compassionate Help
Tax day. I don't even know if my husband has done our taxes. And, I have no emotional resources to contend with the answer to the question. So, I haven't and will not even ask. I know he will get it done. He always has. We just had a complicated year this year and it's been difficult to get all of the documents needed.
Today my ObGyn texted me to let me know the clinic is in a different location temporarily. I was touched because she was concerned for how I might be affected. She said the environment is very different at the new clinic and she doesn't want it to take me by surprise. I don't know how the environment at the new clinic differs. I guess I'll need to go there and check it out to see if it will present any new triggers for me. But, it means the world to me that she acknowledged the new location could present an issue for me and she gave me plenty of time to prepare. I am astonished, once again, at the kindness and consideration of this doctor (of both of the doctors who are currently treating me, for that matter).
The appointment with the ObGyn is scheduled for the 24th. After getting the texts today I felt the anxiety for this appointment make itself known inside my currently tender and worn body. I believe my fear has gotten worse. I think it's worse because I know I can't control my body and I can still have panic attacks. I will have to be even more OK with the possibility of a panic attack than I was the last time I saw the ObGyn. Perhaps it won't be an issue at all because it won't be a physical exam appointment. But, I am sure if I were to have the appointment tomorrow it would be very difficult, more difficult than the last time . . . despite the fact that the last time involved the actual gynecologic exam. I am very weak and sore today. So, I know I could not keep my emotions contained. I haven't the strength.
Next week my work friend will help me with touch desensitization on Monday, and the ObGyn will see me on Thursday. Hopefully if I have a bad reaction to Monday's experience I will have recovered sufficiently by Thursday to be able to handle the ObGyn appointment without a break down. On the other hand, in light of what I learned yesterday, perhaps a break down is coming and is what I need, whether I like it or not.
I am convinced my panic attacks are related to stored grief. When someone touches me I feel afraid I might be hurt, but even more so I feel incredibly sad and lost. I feel a lifetime of abandonment and abuse screaming for release. There is something about touch that is like wires touching and completing a circuit. And I feel immeasurable shame about the volcanic emotion threatening to erupt from inside me, simply because someone touched me in a caring, safe manner.
This is what they did to me. My step-father. The baby sitter. My mother. The doctor. The other abusers. My family. My community. They took away my ability to feel and express sadness. They took away my ability to accept touch. They created in me an exorable connection between touch and sadness. (Except with my kids, thank heavens.)
Today I am in the depths of despair about whether or not I'll ever climb out from the bottom of this pit. I feel like I fell into a dry well and can't climb out. I feel like water is seeping in around me. I'm so scared. I feel like the times when my step-father would open my door at night. He would stand there debating in my doorway, peering at me. I would lay completely still and try no to even breathe. As he opened the door to step in I would tell myself, "I can get through this. It won't get worse." But, some nights I would be terrified I couldn't get through it. It would be the night he would r* me.
I suppose what I'm feeling right now is two things: (1) a breakthrough hangover from the work I've done recently; and, (2) physical pain and weariness from yesterday's treatment. Feeling worn out triggers my stored up fear from things that happened when I was abused.
Those things are not happening now. Now, I am simply tired and in pain. I'm OK. I'm safe.
Tonight I will rest and I will appreciate the kindness that surrounds me. I am almost completely surrounded by support and love. If ever someone were to get through this type of healing it would be in my circumstances.
I recognize I have tears inside me that have not been shed. These tears are creating the panic attacks because Little Intrepid was not allowed, is not allowed, to cry. This is the work I need to do, to let her feelings show and tell her she is allowed to show them.
Today my Portland friend texted me to tell me she's thinking of me and she loves me. (I had a pretty good day for caring text messages today! )
And, of course, there's the Pandy's community who provides support and understanding, even when I rant about being at the bottom of a well.
Thus, at the same time I struggle with facing the agony of unshed tears, I am bolstered by hope from the compassionate help that encompasses me.