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Day 126: Agony from Unshed Tears, Hope from Compassionate Help

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 15 April 2014 · 354 views

Apr. 15, 2014 (55 Days Into Becoming):
 
Tax day. I don't even know if my husband has done our taxes. And, I have no emotional resources to contend with the answer to the question. So, I haven't and will not even ask. I know he will get it done. He always has. We just had a complicated year this year and it's been difficult to get all of the documents needed.
 
Today my ObGyn texted me to let me know the clinic is in a different location temporarily. I was touched because she was concerned for how I might be affected. She said the environment is very different at the new clinic and she doesn't want it to take me by surprise. I don't know how the environment at the new clinic differs. I guess I'll need to go there and check it out to see if it will present any new triggers for me. But, it means the world to me that she acknowledged the new location could present an issue for me and she gave me plenty of time to prepare. I am astonished, once again, at the kindness and consideration of this doctor (of both of the doctors who are currently treating me, for that matter). Posted Image
 
The appointment with the ObGyn is scheduled for the 24th. After getting the texts today I felt the anxiety for this appointment make itself known inside my currently tender and worn body. I believe my fear has gotten worse. I think it's worse because I know I can't control my body and I can still have panic attacks. I will have to be even more OK with the possibility of a panic attack than I was the last time I saw the ObGyn. Perhaps it won't be an issue at all because it won't be a physical exam appointment. But, I am sure if I were to have the appointment tomorrow it would be very difficult, more difficult than the last time . . . despite the fact that the last time involved the actual gynecologic exam. I am very weak and sore today. So, I know I could not keep my emotions contained. I haven't the strength.
 
Next week my work friend will help me with touch desensitization on Monday, and the ObGyn will see me on Thursday. Hopefully if I have a bad reaction to Monday's experience I will have recovered sufficiently by Thursday to be able to handle the ObGyn appointment without a break down. On the other hand, in light of what I learned yesterday, perhaps a break down is coming and is what I need, whether I like it or not.
 
I am convinced my panic attacks are related to stored grief. When someone touches me I feel afraid I might be hurt, but even more so I feel incredibly sad and lost. I feel a lifetime of abandonment and abuse screaming for release. There is something about touch that is like wires touching and completing a circuit. And I feel immeasurable shame about the volcanic emotion threatening to erupt from inside me, simply because someone touched me in a caring, safe manner.
 
This is what they did to me. My step-father. The baby sitter. My mother. The doctor. The other abusers. My family. My community. They took away my ability to feel and express sadness. They took away my ability to accept touch. They created in me an exorable connection between touch and sadness.Posted Image (Except with my kids, thank heavens.)Posted Image
 
Today I am in the depths of despair about whether or not I'll ever climb out from the bottom of this pit. I feel like I fell into a dry well and can't climb out. I feel like water is seeping in around me. I'm so scared. I feel like the times when my step-father would open my door at night. He would stand there debating in my doorway, peering at me. I would lay completely still and try no to even breathe. As he opened the door to step in I would tell myself, "I can get through this. It won't get worse." But, some nights I would be terrified I couldn't get through it. It would be the night he would r* me.
 
I suppose what I'm feeling right now is two things: (1) a breakthrough hangover from the work I've done recently; and, (2) physical pain and weariness from yesterday's treatment. Feeling worn out triggers my stored up fear from things that happened when I was abused.
 
That's right.
 
Those things are not happening now. Now, I am simply tired and in pain. I'm OK. I'm safe.
 
Tonight I will rest and I will appreciate the kindness that surrounds me. I am almost completely surrounded by support and love. If ever someone were to get through this type of healing it would be in my circumstances.
 
I recognize I have tears inside me that have not been shed. These tears are creating the panic attacks because Little Intrepid was not allowed, is not allowed, to cry. This is the work I need to do, to let her feelings show and tell her she is allowed to show them.
 
Today my Portland friend texted me to tell me she's thinking of me and she loves me. (I had a pretty good day for caring text messages today! Posted Image )
 
And, of course, there's the Pandy's community who provides support and understanding, even when I rant about being at the bottom of a well.Posted Image
 
Thus, at the same time I struggle with facing the agony of unshed tears, I am bolstered by hope from the compassionate help that encompasses me.



Am sitting with you in the bottom of the well. my well, too.

 

I really resonate with what you are saying about the sorrow of abandonment, the blending of fear and pain and touch, the despair, and the hope. The unshed tears. The silenced aching scream.

 

We'll get through this.

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intrepidshe
Apr 15 2014 09:21 PM

Am sitting with you in the bottom of the well. my well, too.

 

I really resonate with what you are saying about the sorrow of abandonment, the blending of fear and pain and touch, the despair, and the hope. The unshed tears. The silenced aching scream.

 

We'll get through this.

 

Thanks Jiva, I am indeed sorry you are also in this well, but, selfishly, I'm glad for the company. We will get through this.

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johnfinster
Apr 15 2014 11:55 PM

Today, in chat, someone made an analogy between PTSD and an iceberg: some pieces break away and melt , some of it evaporates off the surface, and all of it eventually melts away no matter how cold the surrounding water, and the vast majority is hidden beneath the surface.  Learning the 5 phases of recovery from PTSD helps because it doesn't all come at once, and when even just one little chunk breaks off and melts, its reason enough for hope and celebration. My abuser hounded me, haunted me, called me. It was horrible. Then I had to live with the fear that people who'd seen me with him might remember me. Hope you understand you aren't alone. The most powerful single thing, and probably the most difficult at first, that we can do for ourselves is to tell and retell and retell our story over and over until it loses its power over us. Whether tears or anguish, joy or sorrow, may we always be here for you.  Peace and endurance :-)

Intrepid , I typed a whole response then it wouldn't upload- Arg!!!! Let's try again.

Thank you for your wonderful writing and honesty. It helps those of us who struggle with similar issues to really feel validated that we are not alone.

Another lady on pandys wrote about emotional deprevation disorder. I was intrigued because it really resonated with me and so I researched it. I found the following link most useful, and I wonder if you'd be able to identify with it too:

http://www.conradbaars.com/edd.htm

I read it and have realised that this is where my 'martyr' grew from. Not crying grew in me because the message I learnt was that I was expressing an emotional need that was selfish,because it made others feel bad and was demanding, because they were unwilling or unable to be able to offer or give soothing comfort when it would have been appropriate for them to do so.

My not crying gets internalised and also leads to my SHing behaviours. I have only just realised this. Thanks intrepid :). Take gentle care.

Mand.
Gentle :hug: if ok.
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yarnfoolishness
Apr 16 2014 09:00 AM

I feel so hopeful for you. :)

 

I see this growing network of support surrounding you. I see you taking risks and allowing vulnerability. I see you accepting your body's responses. I see you healing. 

 

:hug:

There is something about touch that is like wires touching and completing a circuit. And I feel immeasurable shame about the volcanic emotion threatening to erupt from inside me, simply because someone touched me in a caring, safe manner.

 

I hear you.... hug.gif

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intrepidshe
Apr 16 2014 09:39 PM

Intrepid , I typed a whole response then it wouldn't upload- Arg!!!! Let's try again.

Thank you for your wonderful writing and honesty. It helps those of us who struggle with similar issues to really feel validated that we are not alone.

Another lady on pandys wrote about emotional deprevation disorder. I was intrigued because it really resonated with me and so I researched it. I found the following link most useful, and I wonder if you'd be able to identify with it too:

http://www.conradbaars.com/edd.htm

I read it and have realised that this is where my 'martyr' grew from. Not crying grew in me because the message I learnt was that I was expressing an emotional need that was selfish,because it made others feel bad and was demanding, because they were unwilling or unable to be able to offer or give soothing comfort when it would have been appropriate for them to do so.

My not crying gets internalised and also leads to my SHing behaviours. I have only just realised this. Thanks intrepid smile.png. Take gentle care.

Mand.

 

Thanks so much Mand! I went to the site and saw many things that feel resonant. I definitely feel I need to feel and heal my emotions, as this therapy is designed to accomplish. Perhaps this is exactly what I'm looking for. I will learn more about it and see where it takes me.

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intrepidshe
Apr 16 2014 09:40 PM

Today, in chat, someone made an analogy between PTSD and an iceberg: some pieces break away and melt , some of it evaporates off the surface, and all of it eventually melts away no matter how cold the surrounding water, and the vast majority is hidden beneath the surface.  Learning the 5 phases of recovery from PTSD helps because it doesn't all come at once, and when even just one little chunk breaks off and melts, its reason enough for hope and celebration. My abuser hounded me, haunted me, called me. It was horrible. Then I had to live with the fear that people who'd seen me with him might remember me. Hope you understand you aren't alone. The most powerful single thing, and probably the most difficult at first, that we can do for ourselves is to tell and retell and retell our story over and over until it loses its power over us. Whether tears or anguish, joy or sorrow, may we always be here for you.  Peace and endurance :-)

 

Thanks JF. I haven't learned the 5 phases of PTSD recovery. I'll check it out!

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intrepidshe
Apr 16 2014 09:41 PM

Gentle hug.gif if ok.

 

I feel so hopeful for you. smile.png

 

I see this growing network of support surrounding you. I see you taking risks and allowing vulnerability. I see you accepting your body's responses. I see you healing. 

 

hug.gif

 

 

There is something about touch that is like wires touching and completing a circuit. And I feel immeasurable shame about the volcanic emotion threatening to erupt from inside me, simply because someone touched me in a caring, safe manner.

 

I hear you.... hug.gif

 

 

Susanna, Yarn, and Allegro,

 

As always, I very much appreciate your support and understanding. It is so helpful to be heard and accepted.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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