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Day 124: Where Am I?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 13 April 2014 · 129 views

Apr. 13, 2014 (53 Days Into Becoming):
 
Tomorrow I am supposed to see the doctor again. I have a terrible cold. I am tempted to skip the appointment tomorrow because I am not well enough for it. How can she work on my neck when my lungs are full of gunk, I'm coughing relentlessly, my sinuses are draining like a leaky faucet, and my head feels like it's full of cement? Also, what good will the treatment do? My other symptoms will be distracting. How can I be a good patient when I bring a new problem with me? What if she says I need to have this cold diagnosed?
 
That's what I'm asking myself.
 
But, I think those questions are coming from the building fear I have inside. I am becoming increasingly afraid that my emotions might surface. The more tired and worn down I am, the more likely this is to happen. And, I have been sick for nearly a week now. I am definitely tired and worn down. Furthermore, by telling my friends in Portland what is going on with me, by telling them the full truth of my history, I have peeled back the bandage a bit. The wound is a bit exposed. What if getting treatment tomorrow exposes it further? What if some of the gunk starts to seep out?
 
I am also feeling overwhelmed. I feel like this healing process has become too important, taking too much of my attention, yet I can't look away. It's like I have taken ahold of an electric fence. The current is DC, which means the current never alternates and I cannot control my muscles, I cannot let go of the fence.
 
I am at the flight stage of fear. I want to run away because I feel I have lost control. If I don't see the doctor, if I don't go to T this week, then I'll slow it down and get it back under control.
 
But, is this the very moment when I have to make a different choice? Is this the very moment when I have to allow the sled to go down the hill?
 
Or, is this the moment when I say I have taken on too much and need to back off, turn down the heat, take a break?
 
If I keep going, what will become of me? What if I don't?
 
Years ago when I first went through T this was the point at which I stopped. I declared myself healed because I had stopped drinking and stopped engaging in risky sexual encounters.
 
I just don't know where I am right now. I feel disoriented. Normally I have a path laid out and chosen. I navigate confidently forward because I can predict what is coming. I never step forward into unforeseen territory. But, I have not scouted ahead beyond this point. I don't know what comes next.
 
I'm scared and I feel small and frail.



It's all one process, taking many different forms, like facets on a diamond. Maybe the bronchitis is related to the neck pain, etc., old memories and patterns.

 

Stop. slow down. be gentle. get to bed early tonight. And may you feel better tomorrow. I like how your inner child is able to give voice to her real fears, and how your adult is willing to try something new for her.

 

All my best,

Jiva

A few thoughts although if this doesn't make sense I'll try tomorrow.  

 

First though "I am also feeling overwhelmed. I feel like this healing process has become too important, taking too much of my attention, yet I can't look away."  <-- THIS ALL THE FREAKING TIME FOR ME.  Thank you for putting that into words.  I feel like this can be all consuming.   My T says it's cause when we feel an emotion it's all we feel.  It "becomes" our reality- even if the cause of it isn't there anymore. 

 

I hear you on the flight instinct.  It's a hard one to battle.  It's good that you are asking yourself these questions, that you are able to see past behavioral patterns and that you are challenging this instinct.    I think rest is deserved for everyone.  As much as I want to just rush through this my T thinks, rightfully so since she knows me, that if we do more than just our hour a week that it would be too much. I'd churn everything over even more in my head and it would become to emotionally consuming.  Thus, I see you being able to ask yourself these questions as a great sign of self awareness and a sign of your continuing ability to take good care of yourself. 

 

That said, I do you consider your T a support for you?  How about this other doctor?  How about your friends that you told?  Are these things that "slowing down on" would actually be you blocking some key parts of your support system rather than helpful?  I am not saying the answer is the same for all the different parts.  Also, does not going = slow down or avoiding?  Slow down can mean going but taking it easy.  Hell going can sometimes be a stressful part on it's own.  So perhaps all you need to do this week or even for a few weeks is just show up. Show up and talk to that doctor.  Show up and sit with your T and tell her you are feeling like you need slow down a bit.  

 

Perhaps by asking what slow down looks like for you, asking what healed looks like, where you want to go looks like are also good things to help you figure out the answer to your other questions. 

 

You told me in my blog to not feel bad about self care.  I might point out that you've had some freaking AMAZING breakthroughs this last week + you are sick + you are getting back from a busy weekend.  Self care for you might mean taking it VERY slow and just giving yourself some gentle affection and care and not taking on anything new this week.  Taking it slow doesn't mean you have to take it alone and without the support of your T and friends who can be a very important part of your self care network.

 

Sorry this wasn't better oganized.  Bit all over the place righ tnow.  

 

Safe healign to you.  

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intrepidshe
Apr 14 2014 12:12 AM
"It's all one process, taking many different forms, like facets on a diamond. Maybe the bronchitis is related to the neck pain, etc., old memories and patterns." - Jiva


"Also, does not going = slow down or avoiding? . . . Show up and sit with your T and tell her you are feeling like you need slow down a bit . . . Self care for you might mean taking it VERY slow and just giving yourself some gentle affection and care and not taking on anything new this week. Taking it slow doesn't mean you have to take it alone and without the support of your T and friends who can be a very important part of your self care network." - Nebulas


Thank you! Your words are really helpful. I was sliding into panic this evening thinking about tomorrow. I got to the point of shaking and throwing up. I was expecting to feel less anxiety, or no anxiety, but instead I am feeling more. And I need to not only acknowledge these feelings, I need to take it easy while I am under such stress.


I can't help that I am feeling this way. But I can give myself permission and space to deal with it.


I still feel scared and I don't know what will happen tomorrow. But I have you, I have my friends, I can call my T. I will get through it. And it's ok that I feel scared.


Your comments have helped me calm down. Thank you!

:hug:

 

It's worth keeping going on this path.

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yarnfoolishness
Apr 14 2014 03:21 PM

:hug:

 

I'm having a day of no words, but I'm here.

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FinallyHere
Apr 14 2014 06:28 PM

Think of it like a song, sometimes you need to switch meter or beats per minute but it always keeps ticking forward. You get to compose what feels most musical to you. We all are here in support, to listen and enjoy the music you make.  :-)

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intrepidshe
Apr 14 2014 07:36 PM

Think of it like a song, sometimes you need to switch meter or beats per minute but it always keeps ticking forward. You get to compose what feels most musical to you. We all are here in support, to listen and enjoy the music you make.  :-)

 

That's a lovely way to think of it, FH. Thank you!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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