Tomorrow I am supposed to see the doctor again. I have a terrible cold. I am tempted to skip the appointment tomorrow because I am not well enough for it. How can she work on my neck when my lungs are full of gunk, I'm coughing relentlessly, my sinuses are draining like a leaky faucet, and my head feels like it's full of cement? Also, what good will the treatment do? My other symptoms will be distracting. How can I be a good patient when I bring a new problem with me? What if she says I need to have this cold diagnosed?
That's what I'm asking myself.
But, I think those questions are coming from the building fear I have inside. I am becoming increasingly afraid that my emotions might surface. The more tired and worn down I am, the more likely this is to happen. And, I have been sick for nearly a week now. I am definitely tired and worn down. Furthermore, by telling my friends in Portland what is going on with me, by telling them the full truth of my history, I have peeled back the bandage a bit. The wound is a bit exposed. What if getting treatment tomorrow exposes it further? What if some of the gunk starts to seep out?
I am also feeling overwhelmed. I feel like this healing process has become too important, taking too much of my attention, yet I can't look away. It's like I have taken ahold of an electric fence. The current is DC, which means the current never alternates and I cannot control my muscles, I cannot let go of the fence.
I am at the flight stage of fear. I want to run away because I feel I have lost control. If I don't see the doctor, if I don't go to T this week, then I'll slow it down and get it back under control.
But, is this the very moment when I have to make a different choice? Is this the very moment when I have to allow the sled to go down the hill?
Or, is this the moment when I say I have taken on too much and need to back off, turn down the heat, take a break?
If I keep going, what will become of me? What if I don't?
Years ago when I first went through T this was the point at which I stopped. I declared myself healed because I had stopped drinking and stopped engaging in risky sexual encounters.
I just don't know where I am right now. I feel disoriented. Normally I have a path laid out and chosen. I navigate confidently forward because I can predict what is coming. I never step forward into unforeseen territory. But, I have not scouted ahead beyond this point. I don't know what comes next.
I'm scared and I feel small and frail.