Day 104: It Wasn't So Bad; and Invitation for New Blog (*TW*)
Two topics today: (1) a request for material for a new blog -- Healing Resources; and (2) fighting the voices in my head that tell me what happened wasn't so bad.
(1) Healing Resources Blog
I often encounter recommendations for books, articles, exercises, or websites that people have found helpful in their healing journey. I often catch a glimpse of something but lose track of it because my mind is focused on something else. Later, I try to locate the resource and can't find it.
So, for my own healing needs (and in hopes it might be of help to others) I decided to start a blog that has pages of similar types of resources. I plan to post items there I come across. But, more than that . . . I hope other Pandy's members would suggest entries or be willing to be a co-editor of the blog and add entries.
I don't know if this is really a helpful idea. I thought it was worth a try to see where it leads.
(2) It Wasn't So Bad >>major trigger warning, please proceed carefully<<
Try as I might, possibly the most stubborn problem for me to resolve is the voice in my head that insists what happened to me wasn't so bad. Well, I am damn tired of its noise, its dominance, it keeping me up at night. Again last night I woke up 15 times. 15 times!! For f***'s sake! I know I did sleep a bit, but it felt more like being teased. "See this . . . nope, can't have it."
I was not my best self today at work. I have a position of considerable authority, so when that happens it can lead to devastating outcomes for others. I was not my best self today. I was very tired. I was unconsciously overwrought. I wasn't aware of the weapon I was wielding until after I used it.
I have since apologized. But it's difficult to undo what I did. I can only pray that no harm will come from it.
Worst of all, the thing I said, the weapon I used, was true. I wasn't loud or irrational. I was addressing a real problem. But, what I did was address it in a harmful way. It might not have looked that way to others at the table. They seemed to appreciate the information I provided. But, I knew after the meeting I had acted out. I misused my position and authority.
On the up side, I took ownership and responsibility. I apologized.
I feel like crap. But, I should.
I got out of work very late today. I was very tired driving home, but I was able to think a bit about my behavior. I realized my exhaustion was from the war inside me over whether or not what happened to me really qualifies as bad. I decided to let these awful voices speak their mind. I want to see their words in black and white, so I can confront them.
I am calling you rotten bastards out here and now. Here's my chin. Go ahead. Give it your best shot!
- What happened to you was next to nothing. It was wrong, but not really such a big deal as you make it out to be.
- You have always been successful and happy. That wouldn't be true if something terrible happened to you.
- You never said anything to anyone. It must not have been that bad if you were able to keep it a secret.
- You knew no one would believe you because what you are saying happened isn't true at all.
- If those things really happened, someone would have noticed.
- You were ugly and small. No wonder people picked on you.
- You always wanted attention and would do anything for it. Well, that's what you got, attention.
- You put yourself into your circumstances. You got what you deserved.
- You have no talent and nothing to offer.
- You act nice because it's the only way people can stand to be around you.
- You wanted men to touch you so you could feel important.
- You let those girls touch you because you wanted to know what it would feel like.
- You were always so immature.
- You took on too much responsibility. You thought you were high and mighty. Others had to put you in your place in order to get a word in edgewise.
- You hid yourself away. No one wants to be friends with someone who is so shy.
- You were just plain weird. No wonder people kept their distance. They wouldn't have beat you up if you hadn't been so weird.
- You enjoyed spending time with your step-father. No wonder he responded the way he did.
- You just want other people to tell you you're worthwhile. You're begging for anyone's approval.
- You act so strong, but in reality you're a weakling.
I want to kick the voice's ass!