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Day 104: It Wasn't So Bad; and Invitation for New Blog (*TW*)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 March 2014 · 542 views

Mar. 24, 2014 (33 Days Into Becoming):
 
Two topics today: (1) a request for material for a new blog -- Healing Resources; and (2) fighting the voices in my head that tell me what happened wasn't so bad.
 
(1) Healing Resources Blog
 
I often encounter recommendations for books, articles, exercises, or websites that people have found helpful in their healing journey. I often catch a glimpse of something but lose track of it because my mind is focused on something else. Later, I try to locate the resource and can't find it.
 
So, for my own healing needs (and in hopes it might be of help to others) I decided to start a blog that has pages of similar types of resources. I plan to post items there I come across. But, more than that . . . I hope other Pandy's members would suggest entries or be willing to be a co-editor of the blog and add entries.
 
I don't know if this is really a helpful idea. I thought it was worth a try to see where it leads.
 
(2) It Wasn't So Bad >>major trigger warning, please proceed carefully<<
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Try as I might, possibly the most stubborn problem for me to resolve is the voice in my head that insists what happened to me wasn't so bad. Well, I am damn tired of its noise, its dominance, it keeping me up at night. Again last night I woke up 15 times. 15 times!! For f***'s sake! I know I did sleep a bit, but it felt more like being teased. "See this . . . nope, can't have it."
 
I was not my best self today at work. I have a position of considerable authority, so when that happens it can lead to devastating outcomes for others. I was not my best self today. I was very tired. I was unconsciously overwrought. I wasn't aware of the weapon I was wielding until after I used it.
 
I have since apologized. But it's difficult to undo what I did. I can only pray that no harm will come from it.
 
Worst of all, the thing I said, the weapon I used, was true. I wasn't loud or irrational. I was addressing a real problem. But, what I did was address it in a harmful way. It might not have looked that way to others at the table. They seemed to appreciate the information I provided. But, I knew after the meeting I had acted out. I misused my position and authority.
 
On the up side, I took ownership and responsibility. I apologized.
 
I feel like crap. But, I should.
 
I got out of work very late today. I was very tired driving home, but I was able to think a bit about my behavior. I realized my exhaustion was from the war inside me over whether or not what happened to me really qualifies as bad. I decided to let these awful voices speak their mind. I want to see their words in black and white, so I can confront them.
 
I am calling you rotten bastards out here and now. Here's my chin. Go ahead. Give it your best shot! Posted Image
  • What happened to you was next to nothing. It was wrong, but not really such a big deal as you make it out to be.
  • You have always been successful and happy. That wouldn't be true if something terrible happened to you.
  • You never said anything to anyone. It must not have been that bad if you were able to keep it a secret.
  • You knew no one would believe you because what you are saying happened isn't true at all.
  • If those things really happened, someone would have noticed.
  • You were ugly and small. No wonder people picked on you.
  • You always wanted attention and would do anything for it. Well, that's what you got, attention.
  • You put yourself into your circumstances. You got what you deserved.
  • You have no talent and nothing to offer.
  • You act nice because it's the only way people can stand to be around you.
  • You wanted men to touch you so you could feel important.
  • You let those girls touch you because you wanted to know what it would feel like.
  • You were always so immature.
  • You took on too much responsibility. You thought you were high and mighty. Others had to put you in your place in order to get a word in edgewise.
  • You hid yourself away. No one wants to be friends with someone who is so shy.
  • You were just plain weird. No wonder people kept their distance. They wouldn't have beat you up if you hadn't been so weird.
  • You enjoyed spending time with your step-father. No wonder he responded the way he did.
  • You just want other people to tell you you're worthwhile. You're begging for anyone's approval.
  • You act so strong, but in reality you're a weakling.
I'm panting from writing this. I'm so angry right now!Posted Image
I want to kick the voice's ass! Posted Image



Oh those lies that that negative voice tells you! They are so hard to fight...

The insidious thing about this negative voice is that the lies are dressed up as 'helpful information', as 'truth'.

So, if you take one 'You enjoyed spending time with your stepfather. No wonder he responded the way he did', the first part of it is 'truth' allowing the second part ('no wonder he abused you') to sound like part of that truth.

You will find your way to counter these voices. My way was to name the voices as a demon, to ignore everything they said, including the 'you enjoyed spending time with your step-father' type ones. The demon wasn't allowed to say anything at all. You will find your way, as and when you can.

As regards what happened earlier, I'm sorry you had a bad day.

You showed responsibility at work. Responsibility is not about 'getting things right' so much as 'doing your best and picking up the pieces when things go wrong'. You did your best for you - you didn't realise until later what you were doing, why you were in a bad way. And then you took responsibility to sort it out, to apologise. This actually strengthens your position both for you and for others - because it says to them that you are looking out for the misuse of your position. It's really amazing.

Hard to deal with the 'it wasn't that bad'. You will get there, I believe (and it was that bad, by the way, devastatingly bad). If you look at it differently, we all deserve the same, to be ourselves and to be healthy inside. You deserve whatever it takes to get you there.
Intrepid- seriously - sometimes I am amazed when I read what you put, because I am thinking "When did she become a mind reader? When did this woman - who I have never met- climb into my head and read my inner monologue?" And then relief hits me. Because I am not alone. So can I offer you something- that means neither are you. I so totally empathise with what you put. I understand the confusion, the frustration, the loneliness. You are so good at articulating my semi formed ideas. So once again my friend, thank you. Thank you for your insight, your bravery, and your generosity at sharing. (((((Safe hugs if ok)))))
I don't have a lot I cAn say right now. So sorry. Sending safe hugs to you if you'd like them.
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FinallyHere
Mar 25 2014 08:22 AM

You should kick its **S!  If this helps, you ARE helping people and DO deserve attention for your strength of character, your courage and bravery, your intelligence and creativity, and your determination. "Because of" or "despite of" may not be as important as we tend to think. I related to many of those thoughts which pains me but my next thought was that you don't deserve those flying accusations so maybe I don't either!

 

Btw, I am quite excited for the Healing Resources blog. Our healing has to happen in our spare time so to make it easier to navigate and to come by potentially helpful thoughts and ideas would be wonderful.

:metoyou:

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intrepidshe
Mar 25 2014 08:58 PM

Oh those lies that that negative voice tells you! They are so hard to fight...

The insidious thing about this negative voice is that the lies are dressed up as 'helpful information', as 'truth'.

So, if you take one 'You enjoyed spending time with your stepfather. No wonder he responded the way he did', the first part of it is 'truth' allowing the second part ('no wonder he abused you') to sound like part of that truth.

You will find your way to counter these voices. My way was to name the voices as a demon, to ignore everything they said, including the 'you enjoyed spending time with your step-father' type ones. The demon wasn't allowed to say anything at all. You will find your way, as and when you can.

As regards what happened earlier, I'm sorry you had a bad day.

You showed responsibility at work. Responsibility is not about 'getting things right' so much as 'doing your best and picking up the pieces when things go wrong'. You did your best for you - you didn't realise until later what you were doing, why you were in a bad way. And then you took responsibility to sort it out, to apologise. This actually strengthens your position both for you and for others - because it says to them that you are looking out for the misuse of your position. It's really amazing.

Hard to deal with the 'it wasn't that bad'. You will get there, I believe (and it was that bad, by the way, devastatingly bad). If you look at it differently, we all deserve the same, to be ourselves and to be healthy inside. You deserve whatever it takes to get you there.

 

Susanna, once again your insight and heartfelt words are healing to me. I was in a pretty bad place last night. It did help me to write that. I got some anger out. I am getting there, healing a little bit every day.

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intrepidshe
Mar 25 2014 09:00 PM

Intrepid- seriously - sometimes I am amazed when I read what you put, because I am thinking "When did she become a mind reader? When did this woman - who I have never met- climb into my head and read my inner monologue?" And then relief hits me. Because I am not alone. So can I offer you something- that means neither are you. I so totally empathise with what you put. I understand the confusion, the frustration, the loneliness. You are so good at articulating my semi formed ideas. So once again my friend, thank you. Thank you for your insight, your bravery, and your generosity at sharing. (((((Safe hugs if ok)))))

 

Mand, I have to say right back at you! Your writing as the same effect on me. I feel understood and accepted. Thank you  for your insight, bravery, and generosity.

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intrepidshe
Mar 25 2014 09:00 PM

I don't have a lot I cAn say right now. So sorry. Sending safe hugs to you if you'd like them.

 

Thanks Nebulas. Hugs much appreciated and needed.

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intrepidshe
Mar 25 2014 09:05 PM

You should kick its **S!  If this helps, you ARE helping people and DO deserve attention for your strength of character, your courage and bravery, your intelligence and creativity, and your determination. "Because of" or "despite of" may not be as important as we tend to think. I related to many of those thoughts which pains me but my next thought was that you don't deserve those flying accusations so maybe I don't either!

 

Btw, I am quite excited for the Healing Resources blog. Our healing has to happen in our spare time so to make it easier to navigate and to come by potentially helpful thoughts and ideas would be wonderful.

 

I feel the same way, you don't deserve any of those accusations. And, neither do I. I think that's why I felt so angry last night. I really felt indignant about facing such cruel words. It was cathartic to write the list, even though it was painful. However, it was not distressing. It didn't spark anxiety. I only felt angry and sad. Does that make any sense to say feeling angry and sad was not distressing? I'm chuckling at myself for saying that.

 

Thanks for the feedback about the Healing Resources blog. I'm feeling excited about it as well.

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yarnfoolishness
Mar 26 2014 03:32 PM

Intrepid - your litany could have been mine.  :cuppa:

 

Those things are not true (no more than mine are), and I know how hard it is to remember.  I'm glad you could find your anger at those lies.  (That is what they are - lies.)  They are lies absorbed as truth because in the past those around you behaved as if they were the truth. 

 

I don't know if this helps, but it's a fallacy to take a piece of truth and stretch it to apply to other things thereby making them "true".  I think it's called the fallacy of "correlation = causation".  It is a fallacy, false, to argue that because two things happen together, that one must cause the other.  Just because two things happen together, doesn't mean that one causes the other. Ever.

 

Sometimes thinking of things in terms like this is helpful to me.  Safe :hug: if ok with you.

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intrepidshe
Mar 26 2014 07:53 PM

Intrepid - your litany could have been mine.  tea%20smilie.gif

 

Those things are not true (no more than mine are), and I know how hard it is to remember.  I'm glad you could find your anger at those lies.  (That is what they are - lies.)  They are lies absorbed as truth because in the past those around you behaved as if they were the truth. 

 

I don't know if this helps, but it's a fallacy to take a piece of truth and stretch it to apply to other things thereby making them "true".  I think it's called the fallacy of "correlation = causation".  It is a fallacy, false, to argue that because two things happen together, that one must cause the other.  Just because two things happen together, doesn't mean that one causes the other. Ever.

 

Sometimes thinking of things in terms like this is helpful to me.  Safe hug.gif if ok with you.

 

It is actually incredibly helpful because it aligns so much with my professional work. I hadn't thought about the "correlation does not equal causation" perspective. That's a very concrete thing for me.

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yarnfoolishness
Mar 27 2014 12:32 PM

I hear you.  I like concrete things.  :)  I'm glad it is helpful. 

Hi intrepid.

 

"I feel like crap. But, I should."

 

No, no, no. Everyone in authority has flaws. Every organisation reflects the bosses flaws, conscious and unconscious, as well as the bosses strengths, expressed and unexpressed.

 

Few bosses take ownership of the flaws and endeavour to keep them out of the workplace.

Feeling like crap achieves nothing. And you are an achiever.

 

Also, why are you giving your weaknesses more power than your strengths?

 

Do we have a best and worst self? Or just a self?

 

Not really about the main point of your posting, which is  AWESOME, but an encouragement to take the pressure off yourself in the workplace, with a gentle challenge about persperctive You know me. :) ( I should probably read this for myself)

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intrepidshe
Apr 28 2014 08:59 PM

Hi intrepid.

 

"I feel like crap. But, I should."

 

No, no, no. Everyone in authority has flaws. Every organisation reflects the bosses flaws, conscious and unconscious, as well as the bosses strengths, expressed and unexpressed.

 

Few bosses take ownership of the flaws and endeavour to keep them out of the workplace.

Feeling like crap achieves nothing. And you are an achiever.

 

Also, why are you giving your weaknesses more power than your strengths?

 

Do we have a best and worst self? Or just a self?

 

Not really about the main point of your posting, which is  AWESOME, but an encouragement to take the pressure off yourself in the workplace, with a gentle challenge about persperctive You know me. smile.png ( I should probably read this for myself)

 

I am very self-critical and hold expectations of myself that I do not hold of others.

 

Your gentle challenge helps me look at this and question why, question how do I want to be toward me?

 

I want to be toward me as I am toward others. I approach others, most of time, with love and respect. I need to learn to do the same for me.

This hurts to write, so may be hard to read, but I believe it to be a tough truth about relationships.

I think the love our neighbour as ourself come in to play, here.

 

The thing is, I don't think we CAN really be more gentle with others than we are with ourselves. Our attitude to our self will come out in how we treat others, despite our best efforts. The two water tanks are linked and will always return to the same level.

 

If we try to love our neighbour better than we love ourself, I believe we attempt the impossible, or at least the unsustainable.

Whew, yes, that is a tough one. sending gentle thoughts.

 

mac

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intrepidshe
Apr 29 2014 09:49 PM

If we try to love our neighbour better than we love ourself, I believe we attempt the impossible, or at least the unsustainable.

 

 

 Such wisdom, Mac! Right you are. I am going to sit with this.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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