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Day 77: Scares the Hell Out of Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 February 2014 · 122 views

Feb. 25, 2014 (6 Days Into Becoming):
 
One of the most difficult aspects of the healing journey for me is the tendency to be unfair to myself, to withhold from myself the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I so crave from others. It is, I believe, a core issue. I can't help but wonder if the reason for my lack of gentleness toward myself is because of the messages I have taken into my core.
  • At the core I am a neglected and abandoned child.
  • At the core I am a violent hero.
  • At the core I am an object of pleasure for others.
The fog around this issue is beginning to clear thanks to the illuminating words of Mary M:
 

"why is it easier to give other people space to be a human being? . . . We are employing standards with the implicit aim to be unkind to ourselves. For others, we employ standards that encourage, reveal progress, that preserve a sense of humanity." - http://frametheshame...g-up-space.html

 
The dichotomy between my words/actions toward others and my words/actions toward myself is creating dissonance for me. I have learned since joining Pandy's how very important it is to me to be tender, compassionate, and nurturing toward other people. I might not always find the right words to achieve these goals, but I want to and I mean to. I want others to feel comforted and to experience healing. I want everyone here to find their contented and healthy selves.
 
Do I want that for me?
 
If so, then my words and actions should be intended to achieve the same goals.
 
If my own contentedness and healthfulness were my goals for me, I would take steps to attain the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I need.
 
I am noting how I phrased these concepts in my opening sentence, how my phrasing of that sentence reflects my negative self-judgment:
 

"One of the most difficult aspects of the healing journey for me is the tendency to be unfair to myself, to withhold from myself the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I so crave from others. 

 
I used the word "crave" as though it is not a need, just a want. As though I do not deserve for these needs to be met.
 
I don't believe I need, or deserve, tenderness, compassion, and nurturing. However, I certainly, unequivocally believe other people have these needs and they deserve for these needs to be met. And, perhaps because I don't believe I have these needs, I don't believe I can find the well from which to draw them.
 
Or, perhaps it is the reverse; I don't believe the well exists, so I continue to believe I don't need them!
  • I was neglected;
  • I was forced to rely on violence to survive;
  • I was an object of pleasure for others:
Hence, I believe tenderness, compassion, and nurturing doesn't exist in the world for me. It's out there for others. It's inside me for others. But, for me, it is not to be found.
 
I know that belief is illogical. It is a belief born of experience, to explain why I was neglected, why I had to be violent, why I was sexually abused.
 
Somehow, through I don't know what process, I need to reject this explanation. I did not experience neglect, violence, and sexual abuse because there was no kindness available for me in the world. I experienced these things because there was unkindness in the people who did those things to me, who put me in those situations, who didn't care what those situations did to me, who do not care to this day. It is scary and painful to accept this perspective.
 
Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image 
 
If I accept tenderness, compassion, and nurturing are available for me, then I will no longer accept a life absent of these experiences. And that scares the hell out of me! Posted Image



I understand exactly where you are coming from intrepid. I too feel that that compassion, nurturing and tenderness do not exist for me and it is out there for others. Something I missed out on because of the abuse. It is illogical to think this way, but it is how I truly feel. Thinking of you. Sue
I understand as well. And it's what happens to abused and neglected children. We all end up at this place. And the part about, well I just crave this, simply want it, instead of accepting that it is a human need that everyone has, a biological need. It's like saying, "I just want food, water and air." We didn't get what we needed. So how is it that we are able to give to others? It has to flow both ways, how do we let it in?
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yarnfoolishness
Feb 26 2014 10:28 AM

Intrepid - I think you've landed exactly on the core thing.

Craving it, needing it, as a child, and not receiving it- we explain this to ourselves by turning it into a want instead of a need. We explain it by saying "this is a want, and I don't deserve to have that want met."

When we meet others as adults who have this need, we recognize it for what it is. It is a basic human need.

Yet, when we look at ourselves, we transform it back into a want that we don't deserve to get.

I wonder if it might work better to try to stop that transformation from need to want. Name it as a normal human need every time we encounter it. I wonder if that might dismantle the self-harshness more effectively than trying to change the 'don't deserve' into a 'deserve'

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intrepidshe
Feb 26 2014 08:46 PM

I understand exactly where you are coming from intrepid. I too feel that that compassion, nurturing and tenderness do not exist for me and it is out there for others. Something I missed out on because of the abuse. It is illogical to think this way, but it is how I truly feel. Thinking of you. Sue

 

As I was writing this posting I thought, "this is really out there. I'm such a weirdo." This is one of those postings I pasted in, deleted, pasted in, deleted. It really helps to hear that others have these same questions, experience this same dissonance. In a funny way it feels harmonious. I don't know if that makes any sense. But, thank you for telling me you have this experience too!

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intrepidshe
Feb 26 2014 08:49 PM

I understand as well. And it's what happens to abused and neglected children. We all end up at this place. And the part about, well I just crave this, simply want it, instead of accepting that it is a human need that everyone has, a biological need. It's like saying, "I just want food, water and air." We didn't get what we needed. So how is it that we are able to give to others? It has to flow both ways, how do we let it in?

 

Lua, your metaphor about food nearly brought tears to my eyes. It made me angry that our abusers and our families (sometimes these are one and the same) made us feel like being loved was not something we needed. We HAD to see being loved as optional.

 

It does need to flow both ways. Now . . . how do we let it in?

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intrepidshe
Feb 26 2014 08:52 PM

Intrepid - I think you've landed exactly on the core thing.

Craving it, needing it, as a child, and not receiving it- we explain this to ourselves by turning it into a want instead of a need. We explain it by saying "this is a want, and I don't deserve to have that want met."

When we meet others as adults who have this need, we recognize it for what it is. It is a basic human need.

Yet, when we look at ourselves, we transform it back into a want that we don't deserve to get.

I wonder if it might work better to try to stop that transformation from need to want. Name it as a normal human need every time we encounter it. I wonder if that might dismantle the self-harshness more effectively than trying to change the 'don't deserve' into a 'deserve'

 

Yarn, I am going to take hold of this idea, transform my belief about needing nurturing, rather than trying to convince myself I am worthy of it. It isn't about worthiness is it? You need food, not because you are worthy of food. You just need it.

 

Wow. I'm feeling a need to sit very still and be quiet with these thoughts. You guys have touched me very deeply.

"And, perhaps because I don't believe I have these needs, I don't believe I can find the well from which to draw them.
 
Or, perhaps it is the reverse; I don't believe the well exists, so I continue to believe I don't need them!"

 

It is a wonder to me to see such an effective hose, one which continually pours out life-giving water, questioning whether such a substance exists!

 

Crave away, a craving is not a mere want, it is a need intensified by an intense shortage of supply - which you know. That's the training kicking in - to consider yourself selfish whenever you express a desire. Be selfish. Drink deep. The well is real, and it is everywhere love is.

 

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intrepidshe
Apr 26 2014 02:08 PM
Mac, Your words: "Crave away, a craving is not a mere want, it is a need intensified by an intense shortage of supply - which you know. That's the training kicking in - to consider yourself selfish whenever you express a desire. Be selfish. Drink deep. The well is real, and it is everywhere love is." are wonderfully affirming. And much appreciated. I am shifting to a belief that the world is abundant with what we need. So, I say the same to you my friend. Drink deeply.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

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The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

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