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Day 76: Fitful from Stuck Emotions

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 February 2014 · 254 views

Feb. 24, 2014 (5 Days Into Becoming):
In early February I purchased a device that tracks my activity levels. One of its features is indicating how much you move around at night. A sufficient level of movement is interpreted as waking up. This device is making concrete something I have experienced, but didn't really want to believe. My sleep pattern is mostly fitful.
The activity device showed what I thought I have been experiencing. I have said that I wake up five to ten times a night. In fact, my device shows a wake up 5 to 20 times per night! (Many of those "wakeups" are really just bookends to a longer stretch of just lying awake.)
I have received many messages over the years when I have reported experiencing insomnia:
  • Go to bed at consistent times and get up at consistent times
  • No TV or reading in bed
  • Make the environment quiet and relaxing
  • Maintain healthy nutrition
  • Exercise more
  • Stop looking at the clock - you're keeping yourself awake
  • Think about positive things before you go to bed
  • Try a medication, herbal, etc.
The thing is, I do all of the things you're supposed to do for good sleep hygiene. I have for years. But, there are times when nothing helps. It so happens that this time the stretch of ferocious insomnia is longer than usual.
I'm OK with that. I'm tired and rummy. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself, I must confess. But, I recognize this insomnia is the way that my emotions find expression. I think the stuffed emotions that found their way briefly, quietly, privately to the surface after the gynecologic exam are in need of release. I stirred that hornets nest and I am having trouble quieting them back down. I don't know if any of the preventive strategies I use (nor any other new ones) will really work so long as I have all of those emotions trapped inside.
I feel like a broken record. I keep saying that I have stuck emotions but not finding a way to express them other than physical symptoms.
So, I think what I need is another type of plan. Rather than the standard responses to prevent or reduce insomnia, I need a plan for how to live with it and how to get the emotions unstuck.
Perhaps the insomnia is the motivator to get me to finally take this step. I have no idea what the step involves. I have found no good answers on how to release stuck emotions. I believe I need an emotionally safe environment and an emotionally safe therapist in order to accomplish this. I need to ask my therapist about it, but I'm afraid to ask. I'm afraid the response I will get is just a repeat of the above list.

Feb 24 2014 09:26 PM

I find it horribly hard to release emotion. To allow it. I'm slowly learning with the help of T.

I do think that your conclusion may be correct. The insomnia is the symptom. The inner suffering is the cause.

I hope your T can help.

Feb 24 2014 10:48 PM

I'll see my T next week on Thursday. I realized last week when I saw her I need to see her more often. After next week I'll be seeing her weekly. I'm hopeful about how this will help.

Feb 24 2014 11:23 PM

Hoping with you. 

I think you are on the right track as well. Like yarn said, insomnia being the symptom. The releasing of emotion is so difficult when there is so much, but you have to do it a little at a time. For me, that is where being stuck comes in. I'm afraid of the flood...
Feb 25 2014 09:43 PM

I think you are on the right track as well. Like yarn said, insomnia being the symptom. The releasing of emotion is so difficult when there is so much, but you have to do it a little at a time. For me, that is where being stuck comes in. I'm afraid of the flood...


I keep thinking a flood is what it's going to take. But, I appreciate your wisdom about a little at a time. That would be more realistic and less risky. You helped me adjust my expectations. I appreciate it!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


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To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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