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Day 73: Need Help Becoming Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 February 2014 · 148 views

Feb. 21, 2014 (2 Days Into Becoming):
 
I decided to continue the counting up of days in this healing process. I realized part of the reason I wanted to stop counting the days was because of a sense of shame related to the number of days racking up . . . giving the appearance of not making progress.
 
I hold myself to some unkind standards. I would never think such a thing about anyone else. I decided I won't allow myself to treat me in this way. The counting is helpful to me.
 
Along that line, I appreciated the suggestion of counting up now (instead of down) as I did when approaching the gynecologic exam. The way I look at this, I am not running out of time, as a countdown suggests. Also, I am aware that I am changing; I am becoming. I don't know what this becoming means exactly. But, after the appointment the other day I realized I feel like I'm moving toward a more integrated self. I have just begun that process and I don't know how long it will take. I don't know how I'll even know when I'm there. Maybe I'm there now and I don't even realize it? (Probably wishful thinking.)
 
I'm really worn out from my reactions to the appointment this week. I haven't been sleeping and I've barely been eating. I'm going to take a sleep prescription tonight if I have trouble falling asleep. My therapist and I talked about it today. While I'm really happy to be off the sleep meds, there are times when it can be helpful. I also agreed to call her if I have trouble this weekend.
 
Although I am experiencing some harm from my reactions right now, I'm really pleased I have not SI'd. I was pretty tempted this morning as I dragged endlessly through the night wishing my brain would shut up. I thought an SI release would shut down the noise in my head. But, I decided it's better to experience the insomnia. Eventually my brain will give in to exhaustion.
 
It was good to talk to my therapist about the insomnia. I also admitted that I am not very open with her. I am not able to be vulnerable. She asked what she can do to help me feel more at ease. I don't know the answer to that, except I thought I might need to see her more often. I have been going once every two weeks (or even less). Maybe seeing her more often will help me feel more comfortable and able to open up.
 
Along those lines I asked her to read my posting from last night. So, I definitely opened up vulnerability to her. I let her know what my issues are. It's all out there. We'll see now how she responds, if she is able to work with these things. I would like to know now, I guess, if any of my issues are going to be a problem. I'm now ready to do the work and need someone who is ready to go there with me.
 
I say this with bravado . . . I don't know if I'm really ready. I guess I just know I can't keep avoiding all of it any longer. Whether I'm ready or not, it's all just too much to carry and I need help.



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yarnfoolishness
Feb 21 2014 09:01 PM

:metoyou:

:cuppa:

 

I relate to this.  I think it was very brave of you to let your T read your post from yesterday.  It also strikes me as smart, a good starting place.  There's nothing but good to come from having a list of things like that.    I think it can only help you and your T focus more clearly on your goals.

 

Sending good thoughts.

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intrepidshe
Feb 22 2014 10:18 AM

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I relate to this.  I think it was very brave of you to let your T read your post from yesterday.  It also strikes me as smart, a good starting place.  There's nothing but good to come from having a list of things like that.    I think it can only help you and your T focus more clearly on your goals.

 

Sending good thoughts.

 

Thank you! Part of me feels like it's a test of both of us, of the therapy relationship. I suppose that's not a bad thing.

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yarnfoolishness
Feb 22 2014 03:35 PM

Not a bad thing at all.  :)

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

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