Day 73: Need Help Becoming Me
I decided to continue the counting up of days in this healing process. I realized part of the reason I wanted to stop counting the days was because of a sense of shame related to the number of days racking up . . . giving the appearance of not making progress.
I hold myself to some unkind standards. I would never think such a thing about anyone else. I decided I won't allow myself to treat me in this way. The counting is helpful to me.
Along that line, I appreciated the suggestion of counting up now (instead of down) as I did when approaching the gynecologic exam. The way I look at this, I am not running out of time, as a countdown suggests. Also, I am aware that I am changing; I am becoming. I don't know what this becoming means exactly. But, after the appointment the other day I realized I feel like I'm moving toward a more integrated self. I have just begun that process and I don't know how long it will take. I don't know how I'll even know when I'm there. Maybe I'm there now and I don't even realize it? (Probably wishful thinking.)
I'm really worn out from my reactions to the appointment this week. I haven't been sleeping and I've barely been eating. I'm going to take a sleep prescription tonight if I have trouble falling asleep. My therapist and I talked about it today. While I'm really happy to be off the sleep meds, there are times when it can be helpful. I also agreed to call her if I have trouble this weekend.
Although I am experiencing some harm from my reactions right now, I'm really pleased I have not SI'd. I was pretty tempted this morning as I dragged endlessly through the night wishing my brain would shut up. I thought an SI release would shut down the noise in my head. But, I decided it's better to experience the insomnia. Eventually my brain will give in to exhaustion.
It was good to talk to my therapist about the insomnia. I also admitted that I am not very open with her. I am not able to be vulnerable. She asked what she can do to help me feel more at ease. I don't know the answer to that, except I thought I might need to see her more often. I have been going once every two weeks (or even less). Maybe seeing her more often will help me feel more comfortable and able to open up.
Along those lines I asked her to read my posting from last night. So, I definitely opened up vulnerability to her. I let her know what my issues are. It's all out there. We'll see now how she responds, if she is able to work with these things. I would like to know now, I guess, if any of my issues are going to be a problem. I'm now ready to do the work and need someone who is ready to go there with me.
I say this with bravado . . . I don't know if I'm really ready. I guess I just know I can't keep avoiding all of it any longer. Whether I'm ready or not, it's all just too much to carry and I need help.