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Day 72: Should I be All Better Now?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 20 February 2014 · 155 views

Feb. 20, 2014 (Countdown: 26 hours after gynecologic exam):
 
I think today is the last time I will reference the "countdown." I still have more healthcare encounters to get through. I will still be working hard to prepare for and cope with them, but it seems the greatest battle has been won.
 
Today might also be the last time I use the day count in my subject line.
 
It has been a comfort to me to use these counting tools. They have helped me feel like I am moving forward, progressing toward something. On days when I have felt lost, useless, ashamed, or confused, the counting of days has subtly said I am still stepping along the pathway.
 
On the other hand, I feel sad at the idea of setting aside the counting. I feel ungrounded and at loose ends. I'm not sure why, but I feel like I'm losing part of me. I see a different me in the fog. I can see her shadow. I can just catch glimpses of her. I am afraid. I should feel excited. But, the me who is always ashamed, the me who feels unworthy and constantly restless, the me I know, the me whose skin in which I have lived for 47 years, might not exist some day soon. I know cognitively this is a good thing. But I don't know how to be that other me, what it will feel like, or how to live in her skin. Even though the current me is hurtful to me, it is familiar.
 
Maybe partly my worry comes from a notion that I am supposed to now be past the fear and shame that I carried into that gynecologic appointment yesterday.
 
As I write that I think about what others have said here about this; and what I would say to anyone else who said the same thing:
 

"You reached an important landmark, but you still need to allow more time for this wound to heal. Give yourself that time. Don't hold yourself to expectations that after one effort you should be all better. You'll be better when you're better. Besides, you haven't even defined what better is for you."

 
I guess where I am now in my healing process is trying to figure out how to reach the other me and integrate with her. I don't know what that means exactly.
 
I think it's time to complete my healing needs list. Perhaps this will help me feel grounded again:
  • I have mother issues I am terrified to address. I think it means I want comforting I can't have and should not want.
  • I might have father issues as well. 
  • I have doubts about my sexual orientation, even though I've never touched a woman in that way and I've always been fine with men. Related to that, I have never been in love.
  • Sex has always been about catharsis for me. I can make my body respond, but not my heart.
  • I have abandonment issues.
  • I still engage in self injury, or risk taking
  • I do not form meaningful attachments to others (except my children)
  • I often dissociate
  • I struggle with excessive self-blame and self-loathing
  • I am still prone to panic and anxiety attacks
  • I refuse to believe I have depression, but am I wrong about that?
  • I sometimes experience intense fear of people and places
  • I am done with my marriage and just hanging on for my children
  • I tend to doubt all of the above matters or that anything can be done about it.
I fled therapy this week. After my gynecologic appointment last week cancelled, I needed to reschedule my therapy appointment: to move it to be near my new gynecologic appointment. But, when I called my therapist's office, I just cancelled. I said I would call back. It was a lie. I didn't want to see my therapist. I'm not sure why.  
 
Sometimes I feel like I'm just too much drama. I make mountains out of molehills. I struggle mightily with believing I really deserve to be helped. I did call my therapist once, but got a busy signal. That was as much as I could accomplish, so I decided I might just be done with therapy.
 
But, after the appointment yesterday, as I wrote the letter to the doctor, I realized I am not done with therapy. I still need the help of my therapist. She was instrumental in helping me prepare for that appointment.
 
She was the one who talked to the doctor about my needs. She was able to say things I could not and did not say. She was a champion for me. Between the two of them and everyone here, that experience yesterday was pretty much pitch perfect. Yes it was scary to me as well as physically and emotionally exhausting, but really, it was absolutely the best thing for me.
 
Well, as much as I want to say I'm all done with this healing path, that would be incredibly dishonest. The truth I am trying to avoid is I am now fully on this healing path. For the first time I am really standing on this ground.



Intrepid, I always can relate to so much of what you say. Just keep going, like you have been, you will find more, I know it. You are so insightful. Start counting forward, one step at a time, and I'll try to do the same. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, that is a truly meaningful connection you have made with many, many people here.
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intrepidshe
Feb 21 2014 02:26 PM

Intrepid, I always can relate to so much of what you say. Just keep going, like you have been, you will find more, I know it. You are so insightful. Start counting forward, one step at a time, and I'll try to do the same. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself, that is a truly meaningful connection you have made with many, many people here.

 

Thank you for the encouragement. I feel today like I can't lift my feet. I'm telling myself it's OK to rest.

 

I really like your idea of counting forward! It's like counting the days since I started to be a new me.

 

You, and many people here, have shown me a different way of being in the world. I'm beginning to learn how to connect and to let people see my vulnerability. It's rocking me to the core and it scares me. But, I believe it is a good thing, even though it's scary.

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yarnfoolishness
Feb 21 2014 03:23 PM

I hear you.  :cuppa:

 

I'm a bit of a mess right now, but still reading and sending good thoughts.  I still believe in you.

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intrepidshe
Feb 21 2014 04:14 PM

I hear you.  tea%20smilie.gif

 

I'm a bit of a mess right now, but still reading and sending good thoughts.  I still believe in you.

 

Yarn, I can't begin to tell you how much that helps!

 

I can't believe I have stayed home sick for three days. But, I know it's what I need to do.

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FinallyHere
Feb 22 2014 11:51 AM
  • I have doubts about my sexual orientation, even though I've never touched a woman in that way and I've always been fine with men. Related to that, I have never been in love.
  • Sex has always been about catharsis for me. I can make my body respond, but not my heart.

These two points resonated strongly. They are two items that I have recently brought up to my T as well. Of all the things we can heal, like going into memories of the past and reconfiguring them in our neuron circuits, why is it so difficult to reconnect with our sexual selves??? It drives me crazy. I have run out of strategies to try and my T seems to be at a loss.

 

My husband hears me out but is not at all comfortable with our talks about my ambiguous sexuality. Throughout my life, several of my female friends have developed romantic feelings for me. I'm not sure if I have ever had romantic feelings for them? The uncertainty is uncomfortable to say the least. Have you ever tried to define love and what it would mean for you to be in love?

 

Aside from those items, it is good to hear you are resting. Falling ill is not altogether a terrible thing. It can be our body's way of reminding us that we have limitations and to take a respite for self care (when we would otherwise refuse to do so because we do not feel deserving or that we have done enough to deserve rest).

 

The above items matter but that doesn't mean they need to be immediately resolved or resolved altogether. They can matter as they buzz with persistent dissonance. There's room for uncertainty I think.

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intrepidshe
Feb 22 2014 06:46 PM

 

  • I have doubts about my sexual orientation, even though I've never touched a woman in that way and I've always been fine with men. Related to that, I have never been in love.
  • Sex has always been about catharsis for me. I can make my body respond, but not my heart.

These two points resonated strongly. They are two items that I have recently brought up to my T as well. Of all the things we can heal, like going into memories of the past and reconfiguring them in our neuron circuits, why is it so difficult to reconnect with our sexual selves??? It drives me crazy. I have run out of strategies to try and my T seems to be at a loss.

 

My husband hears me out but is not at all comfortable with our talks about my ambiguous sexuality. Throughout my life, several of my female friends have developed romantic feelings for me. I'm not sure if I have ever had romantic feelings for them? The uncertainty is uncomfortable to say the least. Have you ever tried to define love and what it would mean for you to be in love?

 

Aside from those items, it is good to hear you are resting. Falling ill is not altogether a terrible thing. It can be our body's way of reminding us that we have limitations and to take a respite for self care (when we would otherwise refuse to do so because we do not feel deserving or that we have done enough to deserve rest).

 

The above items matter but that doesn't mean they need to be immediately resolved or resolved altogether. They can matter as they buzz with persistent dissonance. There's room for uncertainty I think.

 

 

FinallyHere, your compassion is always so resonant!

 

I think these issues of sexuality and sexual orientation will take more time. Orientation, especially, to me seems it must follow the others. I feel a strong need to disentangle this question. For that matter, I need to disentangle all of these questions from one another. I assume the orientation question will be the last thread that will become understood.

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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