Jump to content






Photo

Day 65: Disappointment Versus Devastation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 13 February 2014 · 98 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind: 18 hours 5 days to gynecologic exam):
 
This morning the doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment. I went in quick succession through the grief process when I got the call. First, I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to the voicemail. I thought, "maybe the appointment could be moved up by an hour rather than cancelled." Then I thought, "No. I'm not calling back. I'll act like I didn't get the message and just go in."
 
I felt the anxiety monster taking form in the middle of my office, in the middle of the work day. I had ZERO time to have this happen. I was in between meetings with 50 minutes until I had to be in an interview for an executive position. (We're in the thick of some really crucial hiring.) I had to sort this out quickly.
 
So, I called the nurse and asked what was up. She said the doctor was being called to a meeting with the hospital CEO. The meeting would cause my appointment to be shorter than we wanted. She wanted to give me the choice to come in today for a shorter appointment or reschedule.
 
There was no question I needed to reschedule.
 
I thanked her for the option and we found another time.
 
I sat at my desk working my way through the let-down of having gotten so built up for this moment.
  • First I felt despair.
  • Then I felt angry, because it triggered my whole, "you don't matter" messages, and my, "this stuff always happens to you" noise.
  • After being angry, I felt hopeless, "I'm done with this. It's too hard." That one lasted for a while.
  • Then I felt tired.
  • Then, in the last 15 minutes or so before my meeting, I started saying, "It's no different than any other cancellation." I kept saying it until I felt my heart rate slow and my muscles relax.
This experience today reminded me of the difference between disappointment and devastation. What happened started out feeling like devastation, but as I coped with my response, I realized it was disappointment. The distinction, in this circumstance, was in the fact that the doctor and the nurse gave me the choice. They cared enough about my needs to call me early in the day and let me decide what I wanted to do.
 
I realized this as I worked through the afternoon. When I came home it drilled in completely for me when I read a post about doctors in one of the forums:
 


"Maybe we face terrible truths by finding the people out in the world, one by one, who can face them with us."

 

Perhaps something I can draw from the rescheduling of my appointment is that this doctor might be one of those people who can face the terrible truth with me.
 
So, indeed I am disappointed, but I am not devastated.
 
And, alas, I rewind my countdown clock. The appointment will be the afternoon of the 19th.
 
 



Photo
FinallyHere
Feb 13 2014 09:12 PM

First, I am terribly sorry you had to manage this stress today. Second, I am very impressed that you were able to process so quickly and additionally able to make the impressive distinction between disappointment and devastation. There is nothing like a compare/contrast to draw out sharper meanings.

 

This post feels big. There is something so strangely beautiful about the contrast of facing terrible truths with supportive companionship. Even between terrible truths and wonderful truths. In fact I think terrible truths just might be encompassed in a big wonderful truth. Or maybe yet, just a pure truth taking on no particular quality.

 

Hoping but knowing you will take good care for the next several days leading up to the next appointment!

Photo
intrepidshe
Feb 13 2014 09:24 PM

First, I am terribly sorry you had to manage this stress today. Second, I am very impressed that you were able to process so quickly and additionally able to make the impressive distinction between disappointment and devastation. There is nothing like a compare/contrast to draw out sharper meanings.

 

This post feels big. There is something so strangely beautiful about the contrast of facing terrible truths with supportive companionship. Even between terrible truths and wonderful truths. In fact I think terrible truths just might be encompassed in a big wonderful truth. Or maybe yet, just a pure truth taking on no particular quality.

 

Hoping but knowing you will take good care for the next several days leading up to the next appointment!

 

FinallyHere, I could live inside your words. I am really drawn to the idea of there being a pure truth that is, perhaps, the dark matter that is the true mass of the galaxy in which we see planets of terrible truth and suns of wonderful truth.

 

I don't think I can convey to you how much you inspire hope in me!

I'm so sorry it had to be rescheduled - I was wondering how it had gone and I knew how much it meant to you to be prepared and how carefully you had prepared for it.

I am in awe of your reaction, truly, and how you understood yourself and cared for yourself and helped yourself. Wow.

:metoyou:

you inspire me

Oh, Intrepid, isn't that just the way it is, my goodness! You are so good at handling things. We will restart the countdown with you.
Photo
yarnfoolishness
Feb 14 2014 12:32 PM

Intrepid -

 

You handled this SO well.  I am inspired by how you worked through the emotions and automatic thoughts until you were able to see clearly the care and compassion from the doctor who wanted to be sure she had the time to give you what was needed.

 

Good for you.  :)

 

:metoyou:

Photo
intrepidshe
Feb 14 2014 08:14 PM

I'm so sorry it had to be rescheduled - I was wondering how it had gone and I knew how much it meant to you to be prepared and how carefully you had prepared for it.

I am in awe of your reaction, truly, and how you understood yourself and cared for yourself and helped yourself. Wow.

metoyou.gif

 

Susanna, thank you so much for the encouraging words. I am so unsure of myself, but you help me feel good about the way I'm responding! :-)

Photo
intrepidshe
Feb 14 2014 08:15 PM

you inspire me

 

<blushing>

 

Thank you! I can say the same about you for me!

Photo
intrepidshe
Feb 14 2014 08:17 PM

Oh, Intrepid, isn't that just the way it is, my goodness! You are so good at handling things. We will restart the countdown with you.

 

Thanks! I have to confess, I was afraid when I posted people might be a little exasperated, "Really? How long is this going to drag on?" But, not at all. You are so supportive and kind and would NEVER react like that. That's my family. That's people I know offline, like some of my colleagues.  

 

Thank you for being with me through this. I wish there was a stronger word than thank you to convey the depth of my gratitude.

Photo
intrepidshe
Feb 14 2014 08:21 PM

Intrepid -

 

You handled this SO well.  I am inspired by how you worked through the emotions and automatic thoughts until you were able to see clearly the care and compassion from the doctor who wanted to be sure she had the time to give you what was needed.

 

Good for you.  smile.png

 

metoyou.gif

 

Yarn, thanks! I think I'm making progress. I guess there really is something to the process of being exposed to the stimuli a bit at a time. I think this was another small step toward healing this wound (these wounds).

 

I credit so much of my learning and strength to you, to my Pandy's friends. I feel a lot less self-doubt, self-hatred associated with all of this. Therapy would not have done for me what you have done.

 

You have made all the difference!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to take me through a scary experience I am facing (going to the gynecologist), which is made difficult by a history of abuse.

 

View postings specific to gynecologic care.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking their own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey.

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

Search My Blog

April 2014

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
202122 23 242526
27282930   

Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.