Day 63: Important Discovery from Rage
I had a very "normal" work day today. I was my usual friendly, encouraging, hard-working self. Oddly enough, twice today several people spoke about me to others right in front of me. They described me as always being so light hearted, always being a beam of joy. One person said, "Her office is the most fun place on site." Another person said, "When I'm working with them they can make really difficult tasks almost fun." That got a big laugh because the tasks we help others with involve a lot of complex, tedious decision making. It's not the kind of work anyone actually enjoys.
After such a day I would imagine coming home in a good mood, feeling appreciated and valued. And, I did feel that way. But, I also had an undercurrent . . . just beneath my awareness. And, below that undercurrent was another one: deep, dark, and bordering on savage.
The upper level was anxiety. It's to be expected. I have accepted the symptoms it produces for me. I'm becoming practiced at coping with it. I still get bowled over by it, but I am starting to be OK with it.
The second layer, I wasn't really prepared for, or ready to accept. Underneath the anxiety was a current of rage, like lava underneath the skin of the earth along a volcano. But, it was flowing deeply beneath the surface. Or, perhaps my consciousness was miles away from the volcano. I wasn't aware of the flow beneath my feet. That is, until I got home and sat down to work on a project. I suddenly went from little miss sunshine to foaming rage monster. I had a problem with my computer and ended up punching my desk after cursing at it. I felt impotent. I hurt my knuckles (scraping and bruising them).
In the back of my mind I heard that 'still small voice' saying, "tell someone." Not to keep sliding down the SI pathway. So, I took a moment to post a status here in Pandy's. I then turned back to my work. I sat there contemplating the blood on my hand, and then my vision went out in my right eye. When that happens it is usually a warning I'm about to pass out. I've had some pretty serious injuries and surgeries from passing out.
Right at that moment I had a PM from a member here. The person asked if I needed to talk.
That message of compassion, of outreach, of caring caused me to stop and take a deep breath. It caused me to think clearly for a moment: "What should I say?"
I realized I needed to change locations and work from bed. That way, if I did pass out I wouldn't fall and injure myself. I realized I did want to talk. I needed to talk.
After I got situated in bed we PM'd. As I prepared to write, I thought about what had triggered me. Why rage? I expect to be experiencing anxiety right now. But, why rage? The answer came out as I wrote. It helped me so, so much to say it and to see the words. As I got the words out, the emotion started to calm down.
I learned something really important today from this experience.
My SI is about not having a way to express rage.
If I express it, it releases. It really does release! It's a matter of being able to express it to someone who knows what's going on with me. Someone who isn't judging me or needing strength from me. I knew I could tell the complete truth to my Pandy's friend. I would be understood. I wouldn't be told I was hysterical or exaggerating.
Thank you friends!