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Day 54 - Abiding Fear, Believing in Love

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 February 2014 · 759 views

Feb. 2, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 11 days to gynecologic exam):
When the word 'abiding' is used an adjective with the word fear, as in, "an abiding fear," it means fear that endures. When 'abiding' is used as a verb, it means to endure (to tolerate, to put up with), as in, "I am abiding these fears." I have been abiding a number of abiding fears that I think I need to confront. There is a thread where we are challenged to do just that. I have two fears to challenge.
Here are the instructions from the original thread:
"This is a thread for admitting your fears, where we can all share and gently comfort each other (and ourselves) on those fears.
  • Are they realistic fears, or are they fears that you would be happier without?
  • Where did the fears come from?
  • Are they healthy to retain?
  • How can you move past them?"
  • I am often afraid I might be violated again.
    • I don't think this fear is unrealistic considering my life history. I might be happier without this fear but I don't know if I would actually be better off. I am very careful because of this fear. And, because of this fear I have protected myself and my children on more than one occasion. 
    • This fear came from having been violated so many times by different perpetrators in many different situations. Also, it came from knowing that this happens to so many people.
    • I think to a certain degree this fear is healthy, so long as it doesn't keep me from living a full life. Considering my second fear, this one might be inhibiting me. I'm not sure if one relates to the other.
    • I'm not sure what aspect of it I would need to move past.
  • I am afraid I'll never know what it's like to have a truly loving, nurturing, fulfilling, and healthy relationship because I'm not worthy of it and I have exceeded that part of my life. For me all of life's summer shine has past.
    • I don't know if this is a realistic fear. It is certainly realistic if I stay married. At this point I have children who come first; and, my spouse is dependent on me financially. However, I would be happier without this fear, I'm sure.
    • This fear comes from the fact that I have not so far had any fully healthy relationships or even a relationship that came close. I have never given my heart. I never really had my heart in my possession in order to offer it to anyone. Something important for me to note is that I now believe I do have possession of my heart. I believe in love.
    • I don't think this fear is healthy to retain.
    • I can move past it by first believing it's possible and by being willing to take a chance if the opportunity arises.

Feb 03 2014 08:28 PM

Thanks Susanna!

Feb 03 2014 08:53 PM

Still keeping you company for your countdown.

Feb 03 2014 09:06 PM

Still keeping you company for your countdown.


Thanks so much Yarn! :-)

I have never given my heart. I never really had my heart in my possession in order to offer it to anyone. Something important for me to note is that I now believe I do have possession of my heart. I believe in love.


This is awesome.


For it is in giving that we receive, in forgiving, that we are forgiven, and in dying, that we are born, to eternal life, to eternal life.


There is a world of difference between the heart that desperately thrown at the first one who asks for it, and a heart that knows itself and, as you said, believes in love.


The latter gives itself away but is renewed as it does so.

Apr 10 2014 08:05 PM

Mac, that's beautiful and fills me with hope!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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