Day 45 Healing Work (Posting Mid-Anxiety Attack)
I had a disappointment today that has me feeling . . . I don't know what the emotion is. I have already lost my stomach contents once today. I'm dizzy and nauseous. I guess that's anxiety.
It was a small disappointment and I feel incredibly stupid for having such a big reaction to it.
I'm just so wound up with the upcoming appointment.
I have some homework from my therapist I will do now since it applies to anxiety. But, first I'll explain what happened.
I called the obgyn today to discuss me bringing my letter for her to read in advance. We decided on a time to talk at the end of the day. I called at the appointed time and she didn't answer. Now it's been three hours and no call.
I know that doctors, especially obgyn's, get called into the hospital. She could be working an emergency c-section or delivering triplets. Her car might have broken down. Her child might have gotten sick. There are a thousand, a million, a billion reasons she might not have picked up or called me back. It is not about me. I don't believe it's about me.
But, I got all worked up just contacting her today. I wanted to tell her I don't want my letter in my file. I want her to read it and give it back to me. So, I didn't bring the letter to the clinic. And, I feel bad that I didn't do what was asked. But, I need my boundary respected. There are people I work with who would have access to my patient record. Although they are never supposed to look at people's files, I know damn well this happens! It has happened to me at my last two jobs. I will not allow people to have this information about me. I absolutely am not willing to take that chance.
This sparks my overall anger at health care providers. So many times they have given low-quality care to me. And they have violated my privacy. (Not to mention the one who r---- me!).
I'm all spun up with anger now and it hurts. It gives me sharp, stabbing pains in my guts.
And, for no good reason. It was just a missed phone call.
OK. now I will do the three exercises and try to bring down this anxiety. After I complete this posting I'll take a shower.
I. Body Sensations Questionnaire (current sensations):
- Heart palpitations
- Butterflies in stomach
- Knots in stomach
- Wobbly feeling
- Pain in my back. neck. and shoulders
- Tingling of my scalp
- I am going to lose my stomach contents again. It won't be long from now. I can feel it building up.
- My central muscles are going to spasm uncontrollably.
- Then I'm going to pass out.
- I am remembering that these feelings are nothing more than an exaggeration of the normal bodily functions.
- These feelings are not harmful or dangerous - just unpleasant. Nothing worse will happen. (I might get sick again, and get a migraine. I'm OK as long as I don't drive when I'm in this condition. So, I won't drive and nothing worse will happen.)
- I will not have any more frightening thoughts to add to the anxiety by thinking about what might happen.
- I am noticing that I have a lot of pain in my body as well as the nausea and stomach cramps. That's all it is. Nothing worse than that.
- I will give it more time to pass. I won't fight it. I won't run away from it. I accept these feelings.
- Once I stop adding frightening thoughts to the anxiety it starts to fade.
- I am practicing coping with this fear. I am not avoiding it because if I avoid it I won't get better.
- I have made progress already, despite how much worse I feel. I haven't SI'd. I haven't done anything risky. I haven't crawled into bed to escape. And, with this posting I will have told someone. I will not have kept it a secret. That's progress. I will succeed with time.
- When I begin to feel better I will look around me and start to plan what to do next.
- When I am ready to go on I will start off in a relaxed, easy way. I will be gentle with myself. I will not be in a hurry.