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Day 45 Healing Work (Posting Mid-Anxiety Attack)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 January 2014 · 80 views

Jan. 24, 2014 (Countdown: 6 days to gynecologist consultation):
 
I had a disappointment today that has me feeling . . . I don't know what the emotion is. I have already lost my stomach contents once today. I'm dizzy and nauseous. I guess that's anxiety.
 
It was a small disappointment and I feel incredibly stupid for having such a big reaction to it.
 
I'm just so wound up with the upcoming appointment.
 
I have some homework from my therapist I will do now since it applies to anxiety. But, first I'll explain what happened.
 
I called the obgyn today to discuss me bringing my letter for her to read in advance. We decided on a time to talk at the end of the day. I called at the appointed time and she didn't answer. Now it's been three hours and no call.
 
I know that doctors, especially obgyn's, get called into the hospital. She could be working an emergency c-section or delivering triplets. Her car might have broken down. Her child might have gotten sick. There are a thousand, a million, a billion reasons she might not have picked up or called me back. It is not about me. I don't believe it's about me.
 
But, I got all worked up just contacting her today. I wanted to tell her I don't want my letter in my file. I want her to read it and give it back to me. So, I didn't bring the letter to the clinic. And, I feel bad that I didn't do what was asked. But, I need my boundary respected. There are people I work with who would have access to my patient record. Although they are never supposed to look at people's files, I know damn well this happens! It has happened to me at my last two jobs. I will not allow people to have this information about me. I absolutely am not willing to take that chance.
 
This sparks my overall anger at health care providers. So many times they have given low-quality care to me. And they have violated my privacy. (Not to mention the one who r---- me!).
 
I'm all spun up with anger now and it hurts. It gives me sharp, stabbing pains in my guts.
 
Posted Image Posted Image
 
And, for no good reason. It was just a missed phone call.
 
OK. now I will do the three exercises and try to bring down this anxiety. After I complete this posting I'll take a shower.
 
I. Body Sensations Questionnaire (current sensations):
  • Heart palpitations
  • Dizziness
  • Nausea
  • Butterflies in stomach
  • Knots in stomach
  • Wobbly feeling
  • Pain in my back. neck. and shoulders
  • Tingling of my scalp
II. Panic Attack Questionnaire (current thoughts/ideas):
  • I am going to lose my stomach contents again. It won't be long from now. I can feel it building up.
  • My central muscles are going to spasm uncontrollably.
  • Then I'm going to pass out.
III. Fear of Feeling Exercise:
  • I am remembering that these feelings are nothing more than an exaggeration of the normal bodily functions.
  • These feelings are not harmful or dangerous - just unpleasant. Nothing worse will happen. (I might get sick again, and get a migraine. I'm OK as long as I don't drive when I'm in this condition. So, I won't drive and nothing worse will happen.)
  • I will not have any more frightening thoughts to add to the anxiety by thinking about what might happen.
  • I am noticing that I have a lot of pain in my body as well as the nausea and stomach cramps. That's all it is. Nothing worse than that.
  • I will give it more time to pass. I won't fight it. I won't run away from it. I accept these feelings.
  • Once I stop adding frightening thoughts to the anxiety it starts to fade.
  • I am practicing coping with this fear. I am not avoiding it because if I avoid it I won't get better.
  • I have made progress already, despite how much worse I feel. I haven't SI'd. I haven't done anything risky. I haven't crawled into bed to escape. And, with this posting I will have told someone. I will not have kept it a secret. That's progress. I will succeed with time.
  • When I begin to feel better I will look around me and start to plan what to do next.
  • When I am ready to go on I will start off in a relaxed, easy way. I will be gentle with myself. I will not be in a hurry.




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intrepidshe
Jan 24 2014 11:29 PM

It's now a couple hours later and I'm doing much better. I'm tired and still having mild symptoms, but definitely improved.

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yarnfoolishness
Jan 27 2014 12:18 PM

You've done so very well.  :metoyou:

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intrepidshe
Jan 28 2014 12:38 AM

Thanks. I do so enjoy flowers. :-)

I really admire this post

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intrepidshe
Apr 10 2014 05:46 PM
Thanks Mac!

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

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