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Intrepid She



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Day 232: Pushed Myself Too Hard

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 30 July 2014 · 125 views

July 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 160 Days
 
At my T appointment this morning I read my letter to AF about shopping together day before yesterday. I also had a text from AF this morning asking if I was wearing one of the new outfits, and how I felt in it. She knew I had meetings today, which prompted my original request to go shopping in the first p...


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Day 231: No Posting - Helping a Friend Move

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 30 July 2014 · 92 views

July 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 159 Days
 
No posting today. I helped a friend move after work and didn't get home until midnight.


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Day 230: Facing Dragons (13 days to self-catheterization) <TRIGGER warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 28 July 2014 · 235 views

July 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 158 Days
 
Dear AF:
 
There are so many things I want to say to you and I am so limited in my ability to say them. How does one find the words to thank someone who faced a dragon with them? Shopping today felt like facing a dragon, at least it did before hand.
 
Because of the challenges with which you are...


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Day 229: 14 Days to Self-catheterization; 1 Day to Shopping

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 27 July 2014 · 176 views

July 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 157 Days
 
I'm thinking I should give myself a break. I'm thinking this because I have two big triggers to face and I'm looking to back out of one of them. But, I have been avoiding it for weeks and weeks now (shopping). And, I have another important event this week. My job calls for me to meet with guests who are strateg...


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Day 228: 15 Days

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 27 July 2014 · 181 views

July 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 156 Days
 
August 11th is 15 days away. August 11th is when I'll have the self-catheterization appointment. I'm working to see this appointment as going well, to not feel afraid or expect anything bad to happen. In order to get there I think I need to go through the fear exercise because I am feeling intensely afraid of t...


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Day 227: No Posting

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 July 2014 · 70 views

July 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 155 Days
 
I actually wrote today my posting for yesterday. It was a big day. I think there might have been a big breakthrough.


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Day 226: Do You Want to Breathe? <Major Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 25 July 2014 · 180 views

July 24, 2014 Intrepid Age = 154 Days
 
I am posting this on July 25th. I didn't post yesterday because I had a pretty big break down at work and left early. I have never been so overcome by emotion that I couldn't shut it down. It was how I imagine one might react to the news of a loved one's death.
 
I was working with AF, both of us strugglin...


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Day 225: Temptation Backward

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 23 July 2014 · 138 views

July 23, 2014 Intrepid Age = 153 Days
 
Each day for the last week or so I have receded a little further into my old self. I have a temptation that is a bit of a struggle. I'm hoping it won't be. It might not prove to actually even be a temptation. But, if it goes from an invitation to an actual temptation I feel confident I'll avoid my old beha...


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Day 224: Scheduled Self-catheterization Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 22 July 2014 · 87 views

July 22, 2014 Intrepid Age = 152 Days
 
I feel compelled to note as I continue to feel like I'm fighting for my sanity, I am in a very intense stretch of long work days. For two to three months I expect to work 70 hours per week. Perhaps the strain of my job is adding to my feeling of despair.
 
Today was just a bit better than the previous six...


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Day 223: It Was So Much Easier Before

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 July 2014 · 94 views

July 21, 2014 Intrepid Age = 151 Days
 
I am to the point I can hardly form words. Grief coats my heart in tar. I look up into the sun, feeling its warmth, believing in the light within my soul. Telling myself to trust in that light, in the tomorrows that are before me.
 
And, oh how I believe, how I have always believed.
 
It was so much e...


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Day 222: Sliding Deeper

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 July 2014 · 98 views

July 20, 2014 Intrepid Age = 150 Days
 
I had to preoccupy myself with work in order to keep from dissociating and experiencing panic today. Nothing particular going on, nothing new. I'm just still having more pain than I can tolerate. I have to stay out of my body, out of my emotions. I don't know how long this will continue. It's gotten worse every...


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Day 221: Hanging on for Dear Life

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 20 July 2014 · 118 views

July 19, 2014 Intrepid Age = 149 Days
 
I am having a very tough patch still. I thought I was doing better, but I'm in a deeper hole still. This pain is drawn now in such clear relief. My strength fails me. Something has to give and I don't know what. I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life.


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Day 220: Pain and Understanding

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 18 July 2014 · 169 views

July 18, 2014 Intrepid Age = 148 Days
 
Tonight I am having a little more abdominal pain than I can comfortably tolerate. It's a 6 or 7 on the pain scale. So, I'll be turning in early. Before doing so, however, I need to send out my deepest gratitude to Jiva for the gift of her understanding words:
 


I know you are in a hard place---a deep, pa...


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Day 219: Replacement for Being a Burden

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 17 July 2014 · 176 views

July 17, 2014 Intrepid Age = 147 Days
 
Things I believed about myself in childhood:
I am ugly.
I am selfish.
I am bold.
I am dramatic.
I am attention seeking.
I am plain.
I am awkward.
I am weak.
I am a good student.
I am well behaved.
I am shy to the point of backward.
I am afraid of other people.
I am worthless except for my ability to help o...


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Day 218: The Mirror Beyond the Veil

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 16 July 2014 · 115 views

July 16, 2014 Intrepid Age = 146 Days
 
Rough day, but doing better. Cried my eyes out again. I feel like I am turning the corner on the grief. I hope so.
 
I realized today I have been living with two realities: one in which I expect abuse, neglect, and abandonment and another in which I live to ensure these things don't happen to others. There...


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Day 217: Migraine

Posted by intrepidshe , 16 July 2014 · 91 views

July 15, 2014 Intrepid Age = 145 Days

I had a migraine last night and still have it now. No posting from last night. Hopefully this headache will be gone tonight.


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Day 216: Beaten to a Pulp <Trigger Warning>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Healing Work 14 July 2014 · 180 views

July 14, 2014 Intrepid Age = 144 Days
 
All day I was on edge. It was the first time since I have been at my current job I didn't laugh in an entire day, or almost. We got to the very end of the day. Two of us were working on the final task of the day. One of us said something that made the other laugh and I observed it was the first time either of u...


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Day 215: Feeling Overwrought

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 13 July 2014 · 163 views

July 13, 2014 Intrepid Age = 143 Days 
 
I don't understand why some days I feel fine, other days joyful, and other days bereft/hopeless. It's like the Three Little Bears today. I like that metaphor. Baby Bear is Little Intrepid. When Goldilocks tests Baby Bear's porridge, it's just right. She also finds Baby Bear's bed just right. I l...


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Day 214: He . . . <trigger warning for the rest of the title - displayed in the posting>

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 12 July 2014 · 173 views

He Pulled Me Down the Bed by my Feet
 
July 12, 2014 Intrepid Age = 142 Days
 
You'd think by the title what I am about to write was the source of yet another emotional break down. And, by rights it should be. But, something entirely different happened today in my healing process, something unexpected, something for which I doubt I can do...


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Day 213: He Stood in the Doorway, Considering (trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Healing Work 11 July 2014 · 164 views

July 11, 2014 Intrepid Age = 141 Days
 
"I think I'll take some time off from remembering my history. " That's what I told myself yesterday. It turns out it's easier said than done. The intensity of my need for comforting overwhelms my cognitive choices about when and how I will process.
 
Last night I worked incredibly late with AF on a projec...






About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.

 

View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.

 

The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.

 

To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid

 

More Healing:

 

- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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