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Intrepid She


Day 141: Quaking and Hesitant but Somehow Resolute

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 30 April 2014 · 382 views

Apr. 30, 2014 Intrepid Age = 70 Days:
I am feeling very much afraid about tomorrow, about facing the reality of being touched in a safe non-sexual way, of possibly having jolts caused by anxiety, of then needing to be held, and then possibly even crying as a result, with my DDF (aka my Angel Friend - thanks for the nick name Jiva).


Day 140: I Asked Her to Hold Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 29 April 2014 · 440 views

Apr. 29, 2014 Intrepid Age = 69 Days:
I had an appointment today for more touch desensitization. The last time my friend touched me I had an anxiety attack, including myoclonic jolts that lasted for something like 20 minutes. Today before we headed for the exam room (we used an exam room because it would help me desensitize for...


Day 139: Feeling Scared Again, Plan for Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 28 April 2014 · 260 views

Apr. 28, 2014 Intrepid Age = 68 Days:
Tomorrow I have an appointment for more touch. My T encouraged me, and Jiva has encourage me too, to talk to my friend about my needs and my fears. I feel the need to share this publicly as my fear level is pretty high again. This exercise will help me name and challenge my fears. The blue t...


Day 138: Declaring War on Identity Lies

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 April 2014 · 256 views

Apr. 27, 2014 Intrepid Age = 67 Days:
I have three topics banging around in my head, clamoring for expression. (1) More Lies and Truths; (2) Visualizing the Disintegrated Parts; and (3) A Difficult Upcoming Event.
Number 1 is my main topic and it's about declaring war on the lies about my identity that have deeply wounded me.


Day 137: The Captain, The Little Girl, and The Mamma

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 26 April 2014 · 213 views

Apr. 26, 2014 Intrepid Age = 66 Days:
I received a very helpful message from someone about a posting I made some months ago regarding a recurrent nightmare involving a vampire. In the posting I described having a variant of the dream and wondered what it might mean. In honesty, I gave it little thought after I posted it. Interpreting repr...


Day 136: Integrating Intrepid

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 April 2014 · 198 views

Apr. 25, 2014 Intrepid Age = 65 Days:
I decided to alter my countdown to move closer, to embrace, to bring within. I began my healing process with an aspiration of taking an intrepid journey. I did not have a map. I didn't even know where the starting point was located. I had no idea of the destination, the form of travel, the resources needed...


Day 135: Successful ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 24 April 2014 · 359 views

Apr. 24, 2014 Countdown: 3 hours after ObGyn Appointment (64 Days Into Becoming):
Wow, I feel great! The appointment went really well and I learned some incredibly helpful things. She gave me amazing, empowering information I have needed for such a long time! I have a weird form of thyroid disease and she was able to identify a possible e...


Day 134: T and ObGyn Tomorrow **TW** and Mom Stuff (very triggery)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 23 April 2014 · 859 views

Apr. 23, 2014 Countdown: 18 hours to ObGyn Appointment (63 Days Into Becoming):
I didn't think I would go to work today when I posted last night, but I was well enough today. Last night I had a migraine and was sick to my stomach. But, I had lots of comforting support here in Pandy's and I even reached out by phone to my doctor friend. As...


Day 133: I Let a Doctor Hurt Me Today **TW**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work, Touch 22 April 2014 · 344 views

Apr. 22, 2014 Countdown: 2 days to ObGyn Appointment (62 Days Into Becoming):
It is clear that I still have a lot of ground to go with regard to how I deal with doctors. Today another one of my colleagues asked me about my wrist. I responded the same way I usually do and changed the subject. I tried to get her talking about herself. But, somet...


Day 132: ObGyn Visit Plan

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 21 April 2014 · 325 views

Apr. 21, 2014 Countdown: 3 days to ObGyn Appointment (61 Days Into Becoming):
I will recognize that I'm feeling anxiety now, even though I haven't been willing to pay attention to it. I have a headache and I didn't sleep well the last few nights. My shoulders hurt, and I have felt very aggressive at work.
I will ask my T to call the ObGyn again to...


Day 131: Fear, I mean, Four Days to Next ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 20 April 2014 · 330 views

Apr. 20, 2014 Countdown: 4 days to ObGyn Appointment (60 Days Into Becoming):
In light of my recent reactions to doctor appointments, I decided I'll write my list of fears, in order to give myself a few days to think about it, hear from others, and work on my plan. On the up side, this will be a talk only appointment. On the down side i...


Day 130: Repeatedly Shamed for Needing Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 19 April 2014 · 366 views

Apr. 19, 2014 Countdown: 5 days to ObGyn Appointment (59 Days Into Becoming):
I got to thinking last night I need to name the experiences that contribute to my fear of asking for affection. It's more than a childhood of neglect, r* and CSA. It's more than r* and unhealthy relationships through my early adulthood. It's also repeated rejec...


Day 129: Reflecting, Breathing, Preparing for ObGyn

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 18 April 2014 · 280 views

Apr. 18, 2014 Countdown: 6 days to ObGyn Appointment (58 Days Into Becoming):
It sure has been an active stretch of time in this healing process the last few weeks! I know I push myself really hard, sometimes too much so. But then there are days like yesterday and today which provide the rewards for the effort. Besides . . . pushing hard is i...


Day 128: My Heart is Soaring Despite My Wounds

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 17 April 2014 · 279 views

Apr. 17, 2014 (57 Days Into Becoming):
I imagine if a bird is sick or wounded (so long as it's not terribly sick or wounded) it can still fly. And, what a thing it is to fly! 
This metaphor describes my state of being today.
I guess healing is like this sometimes . . . maybe much of the time. I felt in the pits of despair on...


Day 127: Over-committed This Week

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 16 April 2014 · 152 views

Apr. 16, 2014 (56 Days Into Becoming):
I have too much work today to write a regular blog posting tonight. I didn't get home from work until 8:30 pm. I'm having a crazy week and will be over-committed through Friday night. It's great stuff happening at my job, but it's a lot of work!


Day 126: Agony from Unshed Tears, Hope from Compassionate Help

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 15 April 2014 · 354 views

Apr. 15, 2014 (55 Days Into Becoming):
Tax day. I don't even know if my husband has done our taxes. And, I have no emotional resources to contend with the answer to the question. So, I haven't and will not even ask. I know he will get it done. He always has. We just had a complicated year this year and it's been difficult to get all of the document...


Day 125: Panic Attack with Today's Touch Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 14 April 2014 · 300 views

Apr. 14, 2014 (54 Days Into Becoming):
So, I had a panic attack and dissociated during my appointment today. Last night I had a huge sense of foreboding about today, not about being harmed, but about my emotions surfacing. I haven't got a plan for that. I haven't discussed it with her. I have been too afraid. What if she doesn't want to keep t...


Day 124: Where Am I?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 13 April 2014 · 214 views

Apr. 13, 2014 (53 Days Into Becoming):
Tomorrow I am supposed to see the doctor again. I have a terrible cold. I am tempted to skip the appointment tomorrow because I am not well enough for it. How can she work on my neck when my lungs are full of gunk, I'm coughing relentlessly, my sinuses are draining like a leaky faucet, and my head feels like i...


Day 123: Faith in something better over the horizon

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Happy Things 12 April 2014 · 263 views

Apr. 12, 2014 (52 Days Into Becoming):
I feel overwhelmed today. So very much has happened in the last week. I have reached out in a number of ways for help I didn't understand how much I need. In a sense I have lost some control and I am afraid. But, I have felt arms around me and kindness touch my skin.
I have realized I just don't wa...


Day 122: Told My Friend Thanks to Pandy's Friend (--TW--)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 April 2014 · 373 views

Apr. 11, 2014 (51 Days Into Becoming):
Back on the 6th of January I was contemplating the question of whether or not I would want someone to come with me to the gynecologic exam . I mentioned a friend I have had for more than 22 years who would be someone I trust enough to see me in a state of fear and panic: as I expected to be.
At the time...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

April 2014


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