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Intrepid She


Day 91: Force Fed and New Bout of Pain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 March 2014 · 631 views

Mar. 11, 2014 (20 Days Into Becoming):
I think I have transitioned from the plateau of respite back to the path of healing work. It was a wonderful break and I feel really good that it happened.
I have three topics to write about today: (1) new bout of pain; (2) being force fed as a child; and, (3) shared ObGyn medical appointments.


Day 90: "Serenity's a Long Time Comin' to Me, in Fact I Don't Believe I Know What it Means"

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 10 March 2014 · 186 views

Mar. 10, 2014 (19 Days Into Becoming):
Yesterday and today I have felt a sense of calm following writing several intensely painful entries about <trigger warning for all of these links > FF CSA , maternal neglect/rejection , and SA by step-father . I certainly had times of feeling awful as I was writing and after I posted. But, I...


Day 89: Confronting the Family Incest (another trigger warning)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 09 March 2014 · 2,454 views

Mar. 9, 2014 (18 Days Into Becoming):
I alluded to this yesterday. I thought I might not write about it today, immediately behind yesterday's breakthrough. But, I feel OK and I want to dig a little deeper while it's still somewhat fresh in my mind.
First, a little background. I moved away from home to go to college when I was 18. I had a ful...


Day 88: "The Most Important Thing to Him is Sex" - my Mother's Voice

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 08 March 2014 · 1,203 views

Mar. 8, 2014 (17 Days Into Becoming):
I am seeing in the last few days the degree to which my mother's voice is in my head. I live by a number of beliefs, whether I want to or not, because of the programming and the shame of my childhood.
"Never be beholden to anyone."
meaning don't trust anyone, don't let anyone in, don't show weakness

"You just...


Day 87: Female/Female CSA **trigger warning**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 07 March 2014 · 833 views

Mar. 7, 2014 (16 Days Into Becoming):
It was a difficult day today. I struggled mightily with ongoing physical manifestations of anxiety (of anger). Another part of my story has been pushing to the surface. I ignored it successfully for a good while now.

On another subject, one of the topics that came up at work today was using a specific approach...


Day 86: Seeking an Excuse to Explode

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 06 March 2014 · 232 views

Mar. 6, 2014 (15 Days Into Becoming):
I don't know which of two topics I want to write about today. So, I'll list them, but save one of them for another day.
1. I have not yet added the F/F CSA to my story here. I wrote my first telling of it last night.
2. More stuff emerging with the insurance problem, exposing my potential for explos...


Day 85: I Hate Healthcare! **SI Trigger Warning**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 05 March 2014 · 264 views

Mar. 5, 2014 (14 Days Into Becoming):
It's ironic on several levels.
My work is in health care; and I fear/distrust health care providers. I was raped by a doctor. I was raised to be suspicious of health care providers and to believe you did not go to the doctor if you were ambulatory. The only reason to go to the doctor was if you were...


Day 84: But I Can't Breathe

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 04 March 2014 · 322 views

Mar. 4, 2014 (13 Days Into Becoming):
I have a lot of problems with breathing. I have strange, and serious allergies. I have asthma. I experience spasms of the muscles between my ribs that feel like a knife is stabbing me. I sometimes just have a heaviness to my chest that feels like it's too difficult to do the work of breathing.


Day 83: Substitutes for Nurturing Nonsexual Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 03 March 2014 · 213 views

Mar. 3, 2014 (12 Days Into Becoming):
Today is one of my brothers' birthdays. He is living on the streets in a city far away, in and out of jail because of alcoholism (and untreated major depressive disorder - in my opinion). Growing up he was the one always standing behind me, his back to mine, ready to fight off the next attack. He was the one wi...


Day 82: Nonsexual Nurturing Touch

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 02 March 2014 · 243 views

Mar. 2, 2014 (11 Days Into Becoming):
The biggest struggle for me is the ache I feel because of the absence of nurturing in my childhood. This pain begins with my mom, who could not hold me and who was overwhelmed by my intensity.  I have recently started to tell myself that nurturing is a need, not a want. I don't just deserve nurturing,...


Day 81: The Measure of the Wound

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 02 March 2014 · 217 views

Mar. 1, 2014 (10 Days Into Becoming):
A fellow journeyer on the SA healing path articulated in a way that really touched me, an issue with which I often struggle.
You want to know something? I felt pretty stupid posting here - that is the negative thought I battled past.  My story, is not as important, traumatic as others- is what my m...


Day 80: What's the F-ing Point?!

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 01 March 2014 · 212 views

Feb. 28, 2014 (9 Days Into Becoming):
I had a bad night last night with the insomnia. I don't know why. Maybe there isn't an answer to why. Maybe there are ten answers to why. I don't know if why matters. It's Friday. I can sleep in as long as I want tomorrow. I had hoped that by being very consistent this week I wouldn't need to have a weeken...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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Contact Me Outside Pandys

I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

March 2014


Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.