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Intrepid She


Day 79: Not Strong Enough for Hostility

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 February 2014 · 130 views

Feb. 27, 2014 (8 Days Into Becoming):
Work was intense today. So, tonight I have only a little fuel for healing work. My guts decided to be painful today. I can't help but wonder if the revelations from yesterday are expressing themselves as abdominal pain. Even though it's pain, it's not terrible; and it's not nausea. This...


Day 78: It's not a Want, it's a Need!

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 27 February 2014 · 116 views

Feb. 26, 2014 (7 Days Into Becoming):
There was a blog post that felt like truth reaching into my chest and grabbing my heart. I requested permission from the author to post it in its entirety. Here is the post, followed by my own thoughts about what it means to me.

I read someone's very wonderful blog post this morning, and it illum...


Day 78: New First Birthday

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 26 February 2014 · 129 views

Feb. 26, 2014 (7 Days Into Becoming):

I decided that I need to establish a new birthday: Feb. 19th.
Feb. 19th feels to me like the day I entered the world as a new me. It is the day I faced going to the gynecologist. I took my first breath as me.
I can't wait to have my first birthday next year! By then I will be learning to...


Day 77: Scares the Hell Out of Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 25 February 2014 · 138 views

Feb. 25, 2014 (6 Days Into Becoming):
One of the most difficult aspects of the healing journey for me is the tendency to be unfair to myself, to withhold from myself the tenderness, compassion, and nurturing I so crave from others. It is, I believe, a core issue. I can't help but wonder if the reason for my lack of gentleness toward myself is becau...


Day 76: Fitful from Stuck Emotions

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 24 February 2014 · 123 views

Feb. 24, 2014 (5 Days Into Becoming):
In early February I purchased a device that tracks my activity levels. One of its features is indicating how much you move around at night. A sufficient level of movement is interpreted as waking up. This device is making concrete something I have experienced, but didn't really want to believe. My sleep pattern...


Day 75: The Vampire and the Captain

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 23 February 2014 · 122 views

Feb. 23, 2014 (4 Days Into Becoming):
First, I feel the need to confess my status. I am eating very little and sleeping even less. I am doing a little better each day since the gynecologic exam. But, it really knocked me for a loop. However, even though I'm struggling (even though I would rather not have the nausea, insomnia, and nightmares) I...


Day 74: Sustaining the Facade

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 22 February 2014 · 130 views

Feb. 22, 2014 (3 Days Into Becoming):
Today I volunteered at an event in my community. I had a sort of reverse dissociation experience with it. I was more conscious of the inner me (the me who is still tired, who hasn't gotten enough sleep or sufficient nutrition for the last week) than I was of the external me. But, I was able to still BE tha...


Day 73: Need Help Becoming Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 21 February 2014 · 113 views

Feb. 21, 2014 (2 Days Into Becoming):
I decided to continue the counting up of days in this healing process. I realized part of the reason I wanted to stop counting the days was because of a sense of shame related to the number of days racking up . . . giving the appearance of not making progress.
I hold myself to some unkind standards. I wo...


Day 72: Should I be All Better Now?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 20 February 2014 · 145 views

Feb. 20, 2014 (Countdown: 26 hours after gynecologic exam):
I think today is the last time I will reference the "countdown." I still have more healthcare encounters to get through. I will still be working hard to prepare for and cope with them, but it seems the greatest battle has been won.
Today might also be the last time I use the da...


Day 71: Letter to Gynecologist after Today's Appt

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 19 February 2014 · 437 views

Feb. 19, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  1 hour after gynecologic exam):
Dr. W-H. 
Please forgive this long letter.
Today you cared for me. You didn't just treat me. You cared for me. I was frightened and trembling, but you were calm and reassuring. It has taken months of preparation for this appointment tod...


Day 70: Commitments to Me for the Next 24 Hours

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 18 February 2014 · 112 views

Feb. 18, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  18 hours to gynecologic exam):
For the next 24 hours: 
I will feel what I feel: afraid, proud, worried, angry, hopeful . . .
I will be safe, because the plan is good and I have permission to do what I need to feel safe.
I will exercise and eat well. (I have been doing real...


Day 69: She Gave up on Me when I was 4 Months Old

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Touch 17 February 2014 · 231 views

Feb. 17, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  1+ days to gynecologic exam):
I have a series of thoughts on my mind today. I have something specific to write about, but first I have three ideas to capture that floated into my brain:
I vigorously seek truth's pathways hoping never to arrive.
meaning I don't want...


Day 68: The MD Who Taught Me Betrayal

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 16 February 2014 · 144 views

Feb. 16, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  2+ days to gynecologic exam):
I decided to take on a healing exercise today related to betrayal and trust. The upcoming gynecologic exam is an act of trust following long ago acts of betrayal. For me, as I know is true for nearly all SA survivors, trust is a complex and often remote emot...


Day 67: Quiet Mind

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 15 February 2014 · 84 views

Feb. 15, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  3 days to gynecologic exam):
I have a quiet mind tonight. I think it's a sign that I haven't got anything to process right now. I think it's a sign that I've been getting it out; and it's helping.
I feel peaceful right now. http://www.pandys.or...oticons/defa...


Day 66: Who Cares What Others Think?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 14 February 2014 · 110 views

Feb. 14, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  4 days to gynecologic exam):
I don't have an exercise to work on today. Something that is being discussed in a forum, however, got my attention. It feels like a deep root. The following two comments point toward it for me:
"I'm always trying to show how strong I a...


Day 65: Disappointment Versus Devastation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 13 February 2014 · 162 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind: [s]18 hours  5 days to gynecologic exam):
This morning the doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment. I went in quick succession through the grief process when I got the call. First, I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to the voicemail. I thought, "maybe the appointment c...


Day 64: Dear Intrepid, tomorrow morning . . .

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 12 February 2014 · 139 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 18 hours to gynecologic exam):
My T gave me an assignment to write a letter to the younger me, the me who experienced the trauma, the me who developed PTSD from the trauma.

Feb. 12, 2014
Dear Young Intrepid,
Tomorrow you take another important step in this process of...


Day 63: Important Discovery from Rage

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work 11 February 2014 · 119 views

Feb. 11, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 2 days to gynecologic exam):
I had a very "normal" work day today. I was my usual friendly, encouraging, hard-working self. Oddly enough, twice today several people spoke about me to others right in front of me. They described me as always being so light hearted, always being a beam of...


Day 62: Coping with Gyno Fear

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 10 February 2014 · 423 views

Feb. 10, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 3 days to gynecologic exam):
I'm feeling scared.
I am scared of how I will react at the G exam appointment.
I am scared of how it will feel to be touched down there by someone who could hurt me.
I am scared of the crinkling paper on the exam bed.
I am scared I might pass out during the exam.



Day 61: Heroism as SI >>might be triggering<<; and Plan for the Week

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 February 2014 · 233 views

Feb. 9, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 4 days to gynecologic exam):
I realized I need a plan to take me from now until the gynecologic exam. I learned from the week of the gynecologic consultation that my emotions become increasingly buried as the date approaches, so I experience increasing physical symptoms. I also become more protec...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors, which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them, to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


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