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Intrepid She


Day 131: Fear, I mean, Four Days to Next ObGyn Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 20 April 2014 · 200 views

Apr. 20, 2014 Countdown: 4 days to ObGyn Appointment (60 Days Into Becoming):
In light of my recent reactions to doctor appointments, I decided I'll write my list of fears, in order to give myself a few days to think about it, hear from others, and work on my plan. On the up side, this will be a talk only appointment. On the down side i...


Day 129: Reflecting, Breathing, Preparing for ObGyn

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 18 April 2014 · 184 views

Apr. 18, 2014 Countdown: 6 days to ObGyn Appointment (58 Days Into Becoming):
It sure has been an active stretch of time in this healing process the last few weeks! I know I push myself really hard, sometimes too much so. But then there are days like yesterday and today which provide the rewards for the effort. Besides . . . pushing hard is i...


Day 128: My Heart is Soaring Despite My Wounds

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 17 April 2014 · 210 views

Apr. 17, 2014 (57 Days Into Becoming):
I imagine if a bird is sick or wounded (so long as it's not terribly sick or wounded) it can still fly. And, what a thing it is to fly! 
This metaphor describes my state of being today.
I guess healing is like this sometimes . . . maybe much of the time. I felt in the pits of despair on...


Day 126: Agony from Unshed Tears, Hope from Compassionate Help

Posted by intrepidshe , in Crying, Gynecology, Healing Work 15 April 2014 · 295 views

Apr. 15, 2014 (55 Days Into Becoming):
Tax day. I don't even know if my husband has done our taxes. And, I have no emotional resources to contend with the answer to the question. So, I haven't and will not even ask. I know he will get it done. He always has. We just had a complicated year this year and it's been difficult to get all of the document...


Day 125: Panic Attack with Today's Touch Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Touch, Gynecology, Healing Work 14 April 2014 · 216 views

Apr. 14, 2014 (54 Days Into Becoming):
So, I had a panic attack and dissociated during my appointment today. Last night I had a huge sense of foreboding about today, not about being harmed, but about my emotions surfacing. I haven't got a plan for that. I haven't discussed it with her. I have been too afraid. What if she doesn't want to keep t...


Day 118: 2nd Time of a Doctor Touching Me

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 07 April 2014 · 207 views

Apr. 7, 2014 (47 Days Into Becoming):
For an hour today a doctor laid hands on me (not for treatment, just touching me to help me as a friend, helping me learn to be comfortable with touch). My body had its anxiety reactions (trembling, quaking, and little convulsions) the whole time. And she was great about it. She told me she was sorry for the th...


Day 117: Fears and Plans for Tomorrow's Doctor Appointment

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 06 April 2014 · 220 views

Apr. 6, 2014 (21.5 hours until appointment , 46 Days Into Becoming):
I've managed not to think too much about this until just now: tomorrow I have a doctor appointment to look at my neck and shoulder. I have pain in my wrist and arm that seems to be caused by proximal nerve impingement. If I go through with the appointment I'll probably find o...


Day 114: A Doctor Touched Me Today

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work, Touch 03 April 2014 · 220 views

Apr. 3, 2014 (43 Days Into Becoming):
I work with physicians every day. I spend a lot of time around them in settings outside of clinics and hospitals in meetings. In these settings they are just co-workers. They aren't wearing lab coats. They're just people who want to make the world a better place. We work toward that purpose with great enth...


Day 111: A 40 Days Reflection (TW for slight mention of religious ideas - though I am not religious)

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 31 March 2014 · 175 views

Mar. 31, 2014 (40 Days Into Becoming):
Forty days ago was the first day after my gynecologic appointment. Because of my upbringing as an Irish Catholic, the concept of 40 days is potent to me. I no longer accept any religion, but I still feel deeply moved by the ideas I learned growing up Catholic.
Forty days ago I was trembling and triumpha...


Day 108: Making Sense of Family Betrayal

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 28 March 2014 · 198 views

Mar. 28, 2014 (37 Days Into Becoming):
First a news item: I have a doctor appointment with the ObGyn on April 24th. By then the lab results should all be in. I'll begin working another process to prepare for and cope with this second step in my healthcare process.
Second, I learned something important and sad last night in writing my posting...


Day 99: The Gynecologist R* Me >>major trigger warning<<

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 19 March 2014 · 3,668 views

Mar. 19, 2014 (28 Days Into Becoming):
Regarding my posting from yesterday, with some wonderful ideas and encouragement I plan to pursue the project. I have ordered a few books that will help me work my way through it.
In the meantime, there are parts of my story I have posted in non-public forums here in Pandy's. Some of these I want visib...


Day 96: Deepening Understanding of Doctor Fear **trigger warning**

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 16 March 2014 · 190 views

Mar. 16, 2014 (25 Days Into Becoming):
My homework from my therapist is a continuance of the 50 statements exercise . When she gave me the 50 statements assignment I wanted to focus on my thoughts about doctors. I am sure these thoughts reflect ideas I have about other areas of my life. However, I might end up redoing this whole exercise with a d...


Day 72: Should I be All Better Now?

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 20 February 2014 · 162 views

Feb. 20, 2014 (Countdown: 26 hours after gynecologic exam):
I think today is the last time I will reference the "countdown." I still have more healthcare encounters to get through. I will still be working hard to prepare for and cope with them, but it seems the greatest battle has been won.
Today might also be the last time I use the da...


Day 71: Letter to Gynecologist after Today's Appt

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 19 February 2014 · 485 views

Feb. 19, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  1 hour after gynecologic exam):
Dr. W-H. 
Please forgive this long letter.
Today you cared for me. You didn't just treat me. You cared for me. I was frightened and trembling, but you were calm and reassuring. It has taken months of preparation for this appointment tod...


Day 70: Commitments to Me for the Next 24 Hours

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 18 February 2014 · 119 views

Feb. 18, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  18 hours to gynecologic exam):
For the next 24 hours: 
I will feel what I feel: afraid, proud, worried, angry, hopeful . . .
I will be safe, because the plan is good and I have permission to do what I need to feel safe.
I will exercise and eat well. (I have been doing real...


Day 68: The MD Who Taught Me Betrayal

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 16 February 2014 · 166 views

Feb. 16, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind:  2+ days to gynecologic exam):
I decided to take on a healing exercise today related to betrayal and trust. The upcoming gynecologic exam is an act of trust following long ago acts of betrayal. For me, as I know is true for nearly all SA survivors, trust is a complex and often remote emot...


Day 65: Disappointment Versus Devastation

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 13 February 2014 · 186 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II-rewind: [s]18 hours  5 days to gynecologic exam):
This morning the doctor's office called to reschedule my appointment. I went in quick succession through the grief process when I got the call. First, I couldn't believe my ears when I listened to the voicemail. I thought, "maybe the appointment c...


Day 64: Dear Intrepid, tomorrow morning . . .

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 12 February 2014 · 153 views

Feb. 12, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 18 hours to gynecologic exam):
My T gave me an assignment to write a letter to the younger me, the me who experienced the trauma, the me who developed PTSD from the trauma.

Feb. 12, 2014
Dear Young Intrepid,
Tomorrow you take another important step in this process of...


Day 62: Coping with Gynecology Fear

Posted by intrepidshe , in Gynecology, Healing Work 10 February 2014 · 492 views

Feb. 10, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 3 days to gynecologic exam):
I'm feeling scared.
I am scared of how I will react at the G exam appointment.
I am scared of how it will feel to be touched down there by someone who could hurt me.
I am scared of the crinkling paper on the exam bed.
I am scared I might pass out during the exam.


Day 61: Heroism as SI >>might be triggering<<; and Plan for the Week

Posted by intrepidshe , in Healing Work, Gynecology 09 February 2014 · 249 views

Feb. 9, 2014 (Countdown Part II: 4 days to gynecologic exam):
I realized I need a plan to take me from now until the gynecologic exam. I learned from the week of the gynecologic consultation that my emotions become increasingly buried as the date approaches, so I experience increasing physical symptoms. I also become more protec...

About Intrepid She

This is a moderated PUBLIC blog. This blog is a therapeutic tool I am using to help me get over my fear of doctors (which is made difficult by a history of abuse by them) to learn to grieve, and ultimately to integrate my dis-integrated heart.


View postings specific to health care.

View postings specific to touch.

View postings specific to crying.


The content of this blog is not appropriate for children or for anyone who might be triggered by reading about sexual abuse.


To the many others walking your own version of this path, I wish you well on your journey. -Intrepid


More Healing:


- Framed and Unashamed

- Yarnfoolishness' Journal

- Susanna's Blog

- What's Inside my Head?

- Healing Resources

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I can be reached by email at a Gmail account based on my userid here in Pandys. I'm sure you can piece it together. I won't enter the address here because of bots that read email addresses from screens. I really don't want spam. But I wanted people outside of Pandys to be able to reach me.

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