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Life behind the veil; courage, personallity and succes hardly anyone sees.

Posted by Onno , 18 May 2014 · 77 views

Again a small entry about something that bugs me from time to time. I think this depends on how open you are about yourself, your history and what you do in your epic battles against the allied version of both first mentioned. I have kept myself and my history mainly for myself. Some know of.. and even fewer know about. In general I am content with keeping it that way, but sometimes... Well, fill in the blanks for yourself.
There are a lot of people who don't really understand me. Sometimes this gets hard, when you don't want to explain.This is one of the reasons why I steer clear of people who demand explanations, whether they are entitled to them or not. Although the major issue here might be that I dislike arrogant demanding people. Yet there are also people who mean well and really do want to understand and help you. There I end up between anvil and hammer. I would like their understanding, almost never their help and I certainly do not want them to know. 
I do not want them to know what? well, my abusive history and what it meant to me and how it enveloped me. Sometimes I do want them to know about my effort and courage, how I have struggled and deal with it, how far I have come. This would also explain so much about the person I am today, which is also something I would gladly share. Yet all of this stays behind the veil that I cast when I hid away the abuse. There simply is no knowing without knowing. 
I find it hardest of all to hide away the success I sometimes experience, or just the things I do that make me proud, this blog for instance. I like to write in general, but poems are my speciality. People who know me fairly well sometimes ask me why I never write any more, why I only bundled some poetry in one book and left it at that. I could bite off my tongue when that happens. The answer is I didn't stop. In my later poems I wrote extensively about my experiences, emotions and the healing process. After a while I bundled them under pseudonym and presented this second book to the people I first went to see for help. Their organisation bought a hundred of them, to distribute to others new to the survival. They also wanted to use its content for their own material. I find it heart warming that there are people out there who might find recognition or even consolation in stuff I wrote. But that is all in the life behind the veil. On the 'right' side my pen idles as pages remain barren and leave me nothing to show for.       

May 18 2014 05:59 PM



I can relate to this blog.  I am the same in that there are some "that know of and even fewer who know about"  I also understand the wanting of someone else to know what you've been through to help explain the person you are today.  


Sorry, I feel I am really short on words, but just really wanted you to know that this blog really struck me.  Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks for the comment. I hate it most when people tell me that I don't do anything anymore. In front of the veil that might have seemed right, but behind it is a different story. It is like telling my father he should get out of his chair more, so his spindly legs regain some muscle. Could be true, if you wouldn't know he has no energy left because of the cancer. Wrong assumptions lead to wrong conclusions.

July 2014

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