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Healed.. and then what?

Posted by Onno , in of the heart 15 May 2014 · 97 views

First of all I want to say that right now I am in a sad and bitter mood. I don't know why, it has been brooding at the mental horizon for some hours now and now at evening-fall it closed in on me. So if you can't handle sarcasm, don't read on.
I think it might be that I saw too little people last week. I have been holed up with a foster cat, that whenever not asleep, keeps nagging at my heals. The poor animal is not allowed to go out, not even at home. Do cats suffer from depression? this one sleeps, eats, sleeps drinks, sleeps, seeks attention, sleeps, and then some. 
reading all the (well, mine anyway) signs of depression in its behaviour, the cat made me muse about my own. I was depressed for almost a decade, if not longer. It is hard to say when and how depression actually starts. Like a mood it creeps up on you without you noticing it. Nasty little leaching monsters they are, depressions I mean, not cats, although...
I wrote I was depressed, because well, I was. I declared myself healed from it. Some three months ago I decided that I was strong enough to stop my anti-depressants. I have been 'clean' for two months now and experienced two changes: the first is that I have become as chaotic as I ever was and the second more profound one is that life has so much more colour than I remembered. So since my life seems to be bright and back on track, without the debilitating mental collapses and limiting compulsions and anxieties, I consider myself healed.
And now what? My life is back on track, but to what horizon? Do I even care? I kind of still live from day to day. I became a volunteer in a museum nearby for one or two days a week, but this will hardly bring me a career perspective. Wait, do I want a career? is it bad not to want one, when other people expect this from you? I just took this voluntary 'thing' (as I have been told by some high-and-mighty people, voluntary work is no job at all) up because I thought it would be fun to work with people and teach them something (which is). I know that in itself this is quite an achievement for someone who has been tremendously shy of people in general, that it helps me to keep on track, that I can learn from it and that it might even add something to my Curriculum Vitae, but..
I don't even know what track I am on. It is a common wisdom that every person has a purpose in life. Since I lost my believe in destiny somewhere along the way (for the obvious reasons), I would rather say that every person needs a purpose in life in order to have a notion of fulfilment. Purpose, fulfilment, I scoff at the words. I had everything on track when I finally fell from it, or so I thought. It left me self-fulfilling cynical, although I would rather say the disillusionment remains. So healed? yes, but not there yet, wherever there might be. *sighs* I just want to live, is that such a bad thing?          

July 2015

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