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Breaking Down

Posted by anelisa , in Anxiety 15 February 2014 · 202 views

Today is the two-year anniversary of my stepmom’s death.
She was the primary mother figure in my life.
Today is an emotional day for me.
This morning my boyfriend dropped me off to spend the day with my family.
As he parked, he looked like something was on his mind. So I asked him what was bothering. He kept telling me it was nothing, but I knew better. I continued to pester until he finally told me.
He told me that my anxiety issues really bothered him. He told me that people always talk about how I’m ‘crazy’. And he hates it. I understand that. But he told me that I need to stop telling people about my anxiety-which I don’t unless it’s necessary-but it’s hard to hear him say that I need to STOP talking about it.
I don’t see why I should have to hide things about myself. I don’t see why I should be ashamed. I don’t care if people make fun of me. It’s their problem that they’re ignorant. I’m not crazy, just some things are difficult for me.
My boyfriend went on to talk about how he doesn’t want to marry me or start a family with me (which doesn’t make sense to talk about because that’s YEARS away) until I have this ‘figured out’.
I told him that if I knew how to POOF figure it out, I would have done it by now.
I know that my boyfriend tries to understand it all. But it HURTS SO BAD to know that he puts pressure on me to change because he doesn’t like to be teased by people about me.
Even if I didn’t have GAD, I’d still be strange. I’ve always been a strange child. Always the odd ball.
He continued to tell me how he doesn’t see my GAD as a problem, but more of an issue we need to work out. He told me that he thinks he’s trying to help me more than I’m trying to help myself. He says that I’ve accepted my GAD and don’t want to change.
As he kept talking, I started to cry. This is all too much for today. I’m already emotional, and then for him to tell me that I need to work on something that I AM working on just put me over the edge. I try SO HARD every day! I do accept my GAD, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to fight it.
He hugged me and told me that he doesn’t want me to change. He just wants me to be okay. I stopped crying, told him I loved him, and went into my house.
It sure feels like he’s trying to get ME to change.

Not 10 minutes later, my boyfriend came back.

He brought me my favorite movie.

I was so happy that I cried.

He held me and we watched my movie until I fell asleep.

July 2016

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