A Sexual Childhood?
In first grade I would space out a lot. I would have day dreams. Things would come into my mind and I was unable to control them. Images of oral sex would flash in my mind-but I didn't know what it was. I thought it was strange and wrong, but there it was in my mind.
That same year, older boys (maybe 3rd or 4th grade) at my babysitter's house coaxed me behind some bushes and they showed me their penises. They asked me to show them my privates. I didn't.
Those same older boys decided one day to kiss me. I puckered my lips to let them. They both tried to french kiss me, which just resulted in a lot of slobbering.
At my babysitters, we (other children my age) would play with barbies...the barbies would almost always be having sex at some point.
One day I played hide and seek with my dad's girlfriend's kids. I hid in a closet with one of her sons. My dad found the two of us. Just standing there. He grabbed me by my arm and yanked me out of the closet. I was spanked, slapped in the face, then locked in my room. He told me I was disgusting.
In first grade, my dad still showered with me.
In second grade we would have reading time, where us students could pick a spot in the room and read. I chose a big sitting chair every week. A boy joined me. He read Junie B. Jones over my shoulder. He would rub my back...and eventually make his way down my pants...rubbing my bare butt. We never said anything to each other about it. I never said anything to anyone about it.
In fourth grade, I became good friends with my dad's brother (Uncle Johnny), who was only a few years older than me. For whatever reason, I was never allowed to be alone with him. I thought that always being chaperoned with my own family member was creepy.
In fourth grade, a boy offered to 'fuck' me. I tackled him and smashed his face with my fists until his nose bled.
In sixth grade, a boy called me a whore. I bit him and kicked him and spit on him.
In eighth grade, I visited my friend who I hadn't seen in a long time. While I slept in her room on the floor with her (she had a high lofted bed and if we slept in the bed, then we couldn't watch tv because it was too high), her brother came into the room. I've known him since I was very little.
He started to rub my butt. I froze. I became very stiff. He stopped. I crawled across the room to sleep on the other side of my friend. As I started to fall asleep again. I felt his hand down the back of my pants. I moved to let him know I was awake. He withdrew. He continued to do this in various places. He did it for the three days I was there and I didn't know how to make him stop...I didn't know what to say. So I just tried to make myself inaccessible, but it didn't work.
I haven't spoken to my friend since. She doesn't know why.
The experience in eighth grade is the first sexual assault I remember, but based on the weird things I did as a child (I don't think they're normal child things), I think something may have happened before.