I would relive past traumas.
Then it began to escalate.
The nightmares would veer from the truth of the incidents and go in a darker path.
Instead of just being grabbed or hit, I would be severely beaten and raped. Sometimes killed.
I'd try to scream, but nothing would come out.
My face was pushed into the dirt.
I couldn't breathe.
My teeth would fall out.
But then, the nightmares took another turn.
Horrible things would happen, but at the end, I would hurt the abuser worse.
You'd think that exacting revenge in my dream world would comfort me a bit, but it didn't.
It made me frightened at myself.
The thoughts have been slipping into my conscious as of late.
Occasionally my mind will drift to it and when I come back from it, I realize I've been holding my breath.
I'm not a violent person, but for whatever reason, the thoughts are there and they won't go away.