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Darkest Secret

Posted by anelisa , in Sexual Assault 29 December 2013 · 151 views

A little over a year ago (before the incident that bothers me most), something happened with a guy I know.
We were at a party. He had been drinking, but he wasn’t drunk. I hadn’t been drinking. I was the one responsible for everyone’s keys.
It was about 4 am and I went to sleep on the couch.
Everyone was passed out drunk.
I woke up with him putting his finger in my mouth.
I pulled his hand away and rolled over to face the back of the couch.
He pulled me off of the couch and onto him on the floor on top of him.
He held me hard against him, pinning my arms to my sides.
He kept kissing me and sticking his tongue in my mouth.
He tasted like cigarettes and I gagged.
But he kept kissing me.
He knew I had a boyfriend.
I told him to let me go.
That I wanted to sleep.
He rolled me over onto my stomach and put his weight on me.
He said: I’m going to fuck you until you’re broken.
He kept trying to put his fat hand down my pants, but they were too tight.
He rolled me over onto my back and unbuttoned my pants.
I reached for them to button them again and he pushed my hands away.
I didn’t want to have sex with him.
I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him.
But he kept going.
He was trying to pull my pants off.
It felt violent.
He’s almost a foot taller than me and outweighs me by more than 100 lbs.
I couldn’t fight him.
So I grabbed him in the groin and convinced him to not have sex with me.
To let me just give him oral sex.
So he agreed.
He let me go.
He laid on his back.
I crawled down by his feet.
I tried to slip away, but he grabbed me by the arm and said: We agreed.
So I did it.
And after he was done, he pulled me by my wrist up onto his chest, squeezed me, gave me a kiss on the cheek, then he wanted to ‘cuddle’.
He held me tight to his side for a couple minutes before he fell asleep.
Once he was asleep, I went to the bathroom washed my mouth out with soap, and went to sleep in a different room.
My question is, was that sexual assault?
Was that me?
I didn’t want to do it, but I suggested it and did it.
I feel so guilty about it.
 But I didn’t want him to have sex with me against my will.
What should I have done?



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Untangling-It-All
Dec 29 2013 06:40 PM

Yes, it was sexual assault. No, it wasn't you who did this. He did this. You did what you had to to get out of this situation with the least amount of harm done to you as possible. You went into survival mode. You took care of yourself. You tried to get away without having to do what you suggested, but he wouldn't let you. He forced you into this. 

 

You did what you had to to survive this situation. You are not at fault and have nothing to feel guilty about. I am so sorry that this happened to you.

Yes that is, he is the guilty one to blame. He is bad

Yes what happened to you was sexual assault. You wrote "I didn't want sex" Sugesting an alternative to what he planned was resourceful and probable left you less physically hurt. Is the guilt in the suggesting? Good job Asking now to clarify your feelings.

My guilt comes from suggesting and doing anything other than resist. I feel like I've betrayed my boyfriend. I don't seem to have any other feelings about it besides that.

April 2014

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