A flashback for love
I was feeling particularly groggy yesterday around mid-morning. We are experimenting with higher dosages of Seroquel to help my insomnia/nightmares. I wake up having slept, but then as the afternoon approaches, I start to get sleepy.
I grabbed my belongings and headed downstairs to take a nap on the bed - the couch just wasn't cutting it. I cuddle with all my dogs, especially when my husband isn't home. I called them to the steps, and they trotted down one by one. I counted; One, two, three, four dogs. I closed the door and headed down the steps.
With my left foot, I felt something soft and cuddly on the first step. It was my littlest love - my four pound Chihuahua. I panicked - desperately not wanting not to squash him. My right foot came down all out of order, and the rest of me followed down 13 wooden steps.
I can't exactly recall how, or in what fashion I fell - I'm learning more as the bruises continue to develop. However, it's evident that I went down most of the way on my right hip, tail bone, and somehow my pelvis. I know for sure that I landed standing up.
Let me say this - I have a high threshold for pain. I tore my ACL and meniscus as a teen and walked on it for a few weeks before it was diagnosed. Two years ago, I broke my tibial plateau and worked and ran before it was diagnosed. I figures it was bursitis. THIS pain?
This was/is quite possibility the worst pain I've ever had in my life. I remember that I could not stop screaming, or even swearing. My poor mastiff didn't know what to do but howl with me. Now - I've heard about people passing out from pain - and seen people close to it as an ER nurse. Like we all tend to think with at least some things - I thought I would never experience something like that.
When I came to, the very dog I tried not to squash was practically sitting on my head, staring at me expectantly. I don't know how much longer I laid there for before I made my way back up the stairs to get the phone. I made it to the couch, hyperventilating. At this point both feet were numb - later I remembered it was probably from hyperventilating, but at the time I was scared of a back injury.
The last time I took an ambulance ride was a year ago when I was raped. This was a horrific experience, SA aside. I felt violated again throughout my entire medical experience that day. I have yet to return to the nursing field - and probably won't. The paramedics that day demanded they had to strap me down even though I had just endured 12 hours of sadistic sexual torture.
They had to call and get "special" permission for me to sit and wear a seat belt instead. This was only after I told them if they insisted they were going to belt me to the gurney, I wasn't going. Bunch of eggheads. Then, the police officer had the gonads to walk in the ambulance, still following me even after I'd quite forcefully declined to give a statement. Hell, I was so scared that I asked them not to even show up.
So - instead of calling the ambulance - I called my beloved husband at work. He knew what I was afraid of without me saying a word, which is good because I wasn't saying very many words between sobs. When he hung up, I called the ambulance, knowing that he was coming home. By the time he arrived they were giving me morphine, and explaining they would have to put me on a backboard and apply a cervical collar. Shit! I panic when I cant get a necklace off, and I no longer own any t-shirts that are anywhere close to my neck.
I begged them to let my husband ride in the ambulance, but they said he would have to sit in the front - which I begrudgingly understood, and then begrudgingly agreed to the cervical collar. Not happy - an ambulance ride filled with flashbacks. The female paramedic was fantastic and let me squeeze her hand the whole time. I had told her I was a SA survivor. She said "I know...." in a way that let me know she had survived the same. How very brave and selfless of her.
After 4 hours of a c-collar induced panic and random flashbacks - stuck in the hallway here and there, and numerous cat scans - I was set loose with lots of pain, lots of bruises, and a hip and upper thigh twice it's normal size - but no fractures. I also came home with a rekindled understanding of my husband's love for me, as he never left my side. All for the love of a dog.