awkward +tw+ revictimization
I'm such in an awkward state right now. I've been incredibly horny. I don't like this feeling. I never like it. I feel deep shame in it. Especially when it's part of stuff that happened to me.... I cannot post my story like this! It makes it worse. It makes me want to do stuff. I keep circling around this issue and I'm getting so tired of it. I feel twisted and sick for this. I keep getting reminders of what happened to me because of these feelings. I start trolling... you know what for. And that's not healthy at all. Nothing sates this feeling. Nothing. It doesn't go away but on its own. I keep trying to remind myself that a binge of this type isn't going to fix it. I'm trying really hard to be a good boy.
A month ago or so my sister put her hands down my pants and tried to jerk me off. I froze. I couldn't say or do anything. I started to.. react. And she took advantage of this situation and told me that she knew I wanted it. I pushed her off me and she did back off, but she kept teasing me about how her older brother wanted her... wanted to rape her. She said that! To me. Knowing what I been through.. well not the extent but she knows the very basics of one thing. So point is valid she knows I'm a survivor. She talked about me how I'm twisted and it's hot and how she wants me and I want her. Ever since she did this assault on me she's been teasing me.
Arg... a while ago someone I don't even remember who it was. No one from here. I told them how I was sa'd by my sister. I joked and minimized it. Really what I was doing was trying to drive them away. I do that to people I make them think I'm twisted and sick in hopes they'll back off. It backfired. She started talking about how that was normal... to have incest fantasies. She started talking in detail about how I wanted it for real. She went over a scenario in detail about how badly I wanted to lay back and have my sister ride me and want to cum in her even knowing what that means. She went in a lot more detail and in my mind I was picturing this.... I reacted to this! I had to... relieve the tension. And in doing so I hurt myself really badly. I cannot just... do that. I have to hurt myself. I felt so sick.. after I got literally sick....
I was revictimized over this. I didnt' think of my sister ever like that before this.... and now it just will not quit... that image has been stuck in my head sense.. of my sister on top me. ... and the SSI urges are incredible when I think of this. Sometimes... I wonder ... if... I let her "finish the job" as she put it ... that it would end this. I'm sick and twisted and wrong and I hate myself so much for it. I don't know how to reprogram myself not to feel this way. I don't know what to do when I do. I bit my lip and try doing something with my hands that is NON-sexual and keep my mind busy to avoid this happening to me. I hate myself I hate myself I love to have myself.
God I want it to stop!