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Posted by Shani , 20 November 2013 · 152 views

Some days I remember everything as if it happened five minutes ago and other days I can barely remember anything. I am constantly doubting myself. Did it really happen that way? Was I really that drunk that my memory just made it up? That can't be.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach at the thought that people don't believe me. Why would I lie about something like this? What could I possibly gain from that?
There's too much proof, he even admitted to it and people still don't believe me.
It's like people must think I woke up one morning and went ''Okay, today I am going to accuse someone of rape. Then I am going to cast this magic spell on him to make him admit to it because I'm a magical fucking fairy. All so that people will hate me and look at me with disgust.'' I don't understand how some people can be so naive.
 
It's true when people say you cannot possibly understand until it happens to you. I have always thought of rape as being absolutely disgusting, but I never imagined I could feel this... empty.
My family and friends don't know what to say to me, or how to help me. They all just treat me like I'm broken or something and I just wish someone could understand.
I feel so embarrassed, so ashamed.
How could this happen to me? What did I do to deserve it? 
Why am I being treated as if it is my fault, as if I could have done something to prevent it?
Maybe I could have.
Maybe if I didn't drink that night.
Maybe if I just went home, none of it would have happened.



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flightlessbird
Nov 22 2013 10:21 AM

It's not your fault. No matter what anyone says, it is not your fault. People look at you with disgust because they don't know what it's like to be on that side. 

I understand the bit about your family and friends because... my family and friends are mostly the same. Sometimes, I just don't know what it is I want them to do for me either, except understand. And that's why we're all here, right?

It's not your fault. No matter what anyone says, it is not your fault. People look at you with disgust because they don't know what it's like to be on that side. 

I understand the bit about your family and friends because... my family and friends are mostly the same. Sometimes, I just don't know what it is I want them to do for me either, except understand. And that's why we're all here, right?

Thank you for your comment. I am so glad I found this site. It's nice to know I'm not alone and that what I am feeling is somewhat normal. <3

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