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Alone.



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Heart ache

Posted by Shani , 24 March 2014 · 139 views

Why is it that when I lay here and find myself thinking about you, all I can think about is the good things I miss when there were so many more bad things?
You were so possessive, controlling, angry and manipulative. I remember that it got to the point where I would sit in my car for a while after I finished work because I just didn’t want t...


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Needing some advice.

Posted by Shani , 26 December 2013 · 212 views

So I have to go to trial and testify against my rapist in the next couple of months and I am terrified because I don't know what to expect. 
Anyone who has gone through a trial before I would appreciate any insight/advice. 
Please.


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Suicidal thoughts.

Posted by Shani , 24 December 2013 · 239 views

People look at me with disgust, like it's my fault this all happened. Like it's a total overreaction. Like I'm a horrible person for having my ex boyfriend charged and probably sent to jail.
People, that I thought were my friends.
 
I feel so alone I can feel my heart actually aching. How can people be so cruel? As if being raped and having to go to...


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Fuzzy memories.

Posted by Shani , 18 December 2013 · 247 views

Some days I remember everything as if it only happened seconds ago, other days I can barely remember a thing.
I am constantly doubting myself and my story. I feel so confused by it all I just don't understand. 
Is it all in my head? 
How am I supposed to go through court when everything is so fuzzy? Will they think i'm a liar? Will he get away w...


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Sad and lonely.

Posted by Shani , 17 December 2013 · 229 views

I honestly hate everyone so freaking much right now.
I have never felt so much anger in my life. That's all I feel lately. Rage.
 
I feel like everyone around me is completely judging me.
People are so inconsiderate and rude I just don't understand.
What happened to compassion?
 
Ever friend I try to talk to about any of this just brushes it off...


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A mountain of lies.

Posted by Shani , 16 December 2013 · 190 views

Today I found out that the person who raped me actually has people, including my own friends convinced that the only reason he ever admitted to what he did was to give me ''closure'' and that I was really too drunk to remember that I actually consented to it.
 
The amount of anger that flows through me to think that people would actually believe that...


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Empty.

Posted by Shani , 20 November 2013 · 232 views

Some days I remember everything as if it happened five minutes ago and other days I can barely remember anything. I am constantly doubting myself. Did it really happen that way? Was I really that drunk that my memory just made it up? That can't be.
I constantly feel sick to my stomach at the thought that people don't believe me. Why would I lie about some...





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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.