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Learning not to Remember



Posted by SilverandBlue , 17 February 2014 · 43 views

I was browsing through old school files and found a lot of old essays, self assessments and my senior year reflection essay. I read these, fascinated by the change on my writing style and composition, the quality and vocabulary.
My 10th grade autobiography paper was sloppy, poorly organized and needed more thought and proofreading. Entertaining enough, bu...


Nobody hurts my darling girl!

Posted by SilverandBlue , 16 February 2014 · 57 views

I got asked to babysit one of my many charges yesterday. A 10 year old girl with high functioning autism. She is one of my favoritist little girls in the world, so I was glad to do it. I needed some Cassie time. She is a very affectionate person, and sometimes, I need it. Yesterday was no different, I'd gotten a call from an old school friend, w...


I don't want to talk about that

Posted by SilverandBlue , 15 February 2014 · 60 views

I was having a flashback in session a few days ago
T started asking me what was going through my head. I don't answer.
"what do you feel?" my stomach hurts and I am terrified. Cold. This I can say.
"what colors are there, or are there any?" no, just blackness. I think my eyes might be covered but I'm not sure.
"What do you smell?" ...pencils...? odd, I co...


I feel so needy and pathetic

Posted by SilverandBlue , 14 February 2014 · 56 views

I had originally made my next T appontment for 2 weeks out. Mostly because of the cost, but also because I don't want to become attached to her. I am fully aware that I tend to attach easily and after yesterdays session, I didn't want to come in after only one week.
However, I called her today and asked for an appointment this week. I caved. I felt...


T today...and my emotional rollercoaster

Posted by SilverandBlue , 13 February 2014 · 52 views

I have never not wanted to go to T before. But this week I was terrified to go. I knew I was going to shut down again, I knew t was going to be painful because I had more for her to read. At first, I was fine, but then, started to disappear. again. I just left. T asked me something,I didn't hear her or respond. I hardly remember the appointment, except ne...


Medical Professionals

Posted by SilverandBlue , 11 February 2014 · 45 views

It seems that the new "professional" is now "casual". I have seen a lot of doctors and counselors and nurses in my life. Some good, some bad, some awesome. Somehow though, all my current doctors and such are all such casual people. Let's see about some examples:
My endo: First appointment, asked all about me and my life. I told her (same first appt!) tha...


Writing and writing

Posted by SilverandBlue , 10 February 2014 · 43 views

I have been doing SO much writing and journaling lately it seems. I had a complete meltdown on Saturday, and managed to write through it, so T can read it and know what goes on in my head when I'm like that :) I can never remember, so hopefully she can help me understand what is causing these "episodes" and how to fix them.
Trigger potentially for...


A tribute of gratefulness

Posted by SilverandBlue , 06 February 2014 · 42 views

If you are set off by overly happy, abundantly joyous people, tread carefully.
I am in a good mood right now. A good place, a place of safety and comfort. A little bit giddy, and anyone that doesn't know me probably would think I was either a little bit high or a little bit drunk. I just get this way. Especially after a lot of mental exertion and stress,...


I keep regressing

Posted by SilverandBlue , 06 February 2014 · 50 views

It's almost as though my mind has decided that by golly, I need to know exactly what happened and that I need to dwell on it for days. I can't leave the trees. If I do, I switch to the classroom or the hard tile of the bathroom. I had my sister's kids this morning, and her 3 year old son keeps saying " I love you blue" and I don't like it. I keep finding...


I feel like I'm just getting worse

Posted by SilverandBlue , 05 February 2014 · 54 views

I had T again today, I've had a lot of T lately, I have just needed it. Each appointment has been difficult, and I always shut down and have been dissociating in a big way whenever I think about the past and elementary school. My vision starts clouding at the edges, I get very aware of everything around me, and simultaneously get completely lost in my own...

July 2014

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