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Learning not to Remember



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More thought tracking

Posted by SilverandBlue , 06 November 2014 · 100 views

I did so much in T yesterday, that I'm still mulling it all over, still processing.
Main points she had
1. I dissociate. A LOT. She said she could see me flickering about like a candle the last half of the session. I asked why this was a bad thing, and she said it just detracts from getting anything done. If I check out of a conversation, I won't get any...


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I LOVE my new T.

Posted by SilverandBlue , 05 November 2014 · 134 views

Potential trigger warning, SI. Second session today. She does not pull any punches, is very direct and asks what she wants to know, which is the best way to work with me.
She asked right off today, " when was the last time you SI'd?" I was so caught off guard, but not sure if I wanted to answer. I did. Yesterday. She psychoanalyzes out loud, and asked wh...


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Stress, anxiety and restriction

Posted by SilverandBlue , 30 October 2014 · 112 views

Since leaving old T, I have been getting sick quite often. 3 times in the past 3 weeks, this is the first Thursday out of the month that I haven't been vomiting sick and headachey.
I went to the doc yesterday (naturopath) and before she digs too deep she wants my throat to heal, as another problem is severe silent acid reflux. I only became aware that it...


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Not doing real well

Posted by SilverandBlue , 22 October 2014 · 106 views

My next appt with new T is in 2 weeks. I need it to be sooner, so badly. I am so set off, scattered and just generally feeling awful.
I have this weird swallowing/reflux problem that pops up randomly. I can hardly swallow, and anything put in my mouth makes me start gagging. it's almost like my gag reflex randomly acts up. it also comes with incredibly an...


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Eeek! New T appointment

Posted by SilverandBlue , 18 October 2014 · 122 views

She had a cancellation on Thursday, so I went in for my initial session.
It was terrifying! I have only seen one T before her, and I was so out if it I didn't have the capacity to even think about it. My parents brought me actually, and by the time I was back to the present I felt comfortable with her. So it feels like I'm seeing a therapist for the firs...


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Last appointment with T

Posted by SilverandBlue , 10 October 2014 · 155 views

I pretty much only went because new T made me. I didn't want to look at her after what I had told her in an email.
Basically, I told her I was leaving because she felt too much like a 2nd mom to me. And I can't talk to my mom.
Plus, on my side anyway, the relationship was getting too blurred.
I reiterated yesterday at my final appointment. She still di...


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I get a break!

Posted by SilverandBlue , 07 October 2014 · 94 views

I did fire my T. I have one last appt with her on Wednesday, and then I'm done. I only have this appt because new T requires it and I do agree with her.
It's funny. I'm relieved. Is that bad to feel relieved? I still like her, actually I adore her. Which is why I'm done with her. She can never be anything but my therapist and I'm really not okay with tha...


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T mess

Posted by SilverandBlue , 01 October 2014 · 133 views

So I'm done with my current T. I already have a foot in with another, but she stipulated that I must have a clean break from old T in order to work with her.
Apparently, ending over email is not sufficient for a 2 year relationship. She told me I have to discuss it with her face to face.
I agree, to a point. I do feel like I need to purge face to face, e...


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Quitting

Posted by SilverandBlue , 26 September 2014 · 143 views

I haven't been on in a while. Right now, I can't handle hearing other's pain. It hurts. Just glancing through blog titles I almost shut my screen off.
I am just so MAD! And I don't even know what about! I'm mad, sad and disgusted all at once and have nobody to share it with or to help figure it out.
I fired T. I was thinking of her too much as a comfort...


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Nonono! I am an idiot! TW for SI

Posted by SilverandBlue , 15 September 2014 · 123 views

I was cleaning out my old purse from a few months ago and found an implement I used to SI with. I don't know why I kept it honestly. But I found it and that urge that I've been able to suppress due to lack of SI instrument came back with full force and I now have those angry red marks again.
I am slow in typing this because I am crying at the same time. I...






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