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Another week to go

Posted by SilverandBlue , 15 August 2014 · 41 views

I started cutting back on T appts, even though insurance DOES cover it again I still have quite a balance that I owe her. Feels grubby to keep going every week and try to pay off the balance while continuing to pay each week when I won't be able to.
So I didn't have an appt this week. We agreed to a phone call/email check in if I needed it this week. I needed it. I called her yesterday, just asking her to call me. Still haven't heard back and I am in AGONY. Again, I am most likely jumping to conclusions. She undoubtedly is extremely busy with other patients and her family. There is no need to freak quite yet. Also, she may have not even gotten the message, that seems to be happening a lot.
But I need to talk to her even if only on the phone. I am going completely crazy! Smells are setting me off, I keep fantasizing about SH, which is not unusual, I do quite often. About SUI as well. In the sense that I very much want to, but won't. It's like seeing a cookie in a sealed and locked glass jar and you want to eat it but there's no way to get to it.
Anyway, I have been quite overly emotional and touchy lately so I just need something sensible to hear.
I keep running a and hiding whenever someone raises their voice, I can't be touched (a lady at work is a touchy person and while I like her and she isn't creepy or anything, just her touching my shoulder as a kind of "excuse me" freaks me out.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!
True, I dislike being touched anyway. But I have always been able to handle casual indifferent or conversational touch. A hand on my shoulder or side shoulder hug as someone I know is going past and telling me something doesn't usually upset me.
I need PT still but am terrified to go back. I know full well that she needs to touch my back, but I shake the whole time and giggle to cover it up. I remember nothing from my last appt I was in such a state. She noticed and asked if there was anything else she could fix or at least work on, but I said no and ran out of there before she could ask me to make another appointment.
Aiyiyi, just a mess and I need to talk about it to figure it out! I hope T calls me tomorrow.



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